This is one of many True Story interviews in which we talk to people who have experienced interesting/challenging/amazing things. This is the story of M. who waited till marriage to have sex. According to this 2006 study, 5% of Americans wait till marriage to have sex.
This interview is not a condemnation of waiting till marriage, it’s simply one woman’s experience. Please keep your comments respectful. Polite, articulate criticism is welcome; incendiary rubbish is not and will be deleted.
Tell us a bit about yourself!
My name is M, I’m 29 and I live in Northern California. I am a teacher, a writer and a yogi. I like reading, being outside and social media.
Growing up, how did you feel about sex?
I was raised in a very religious home. Most of my sex education consisted of “Nice girls don’t have sex until they’re married.” Anything I learned about contraception was at school. I developed very early and therefore thought about sex a lot from a young age, even though it was forbidden.
Honestly, I think being told that it was wrong did two things: first, it made it much more attractive (I read “Forever…” by Judy Blume under the covers a lot!) and secondly, it made me feel very guilty that I had sexual desires. I thought I was alone in my desire for sex. Now that I teach teenagers, I definitely understand that I was not in the minority!
I actually wish that we were more up front with girls about healthy sexual desire, masturbation and safe sex – the conversation seems to stop at birth control or “don’t have sex.”
Why did you decide to wait until you were married?
I truly believed in my religious upbringing when it came to sex. I actually left the church when I was 20 years old, before I got married. I’d stopped attending and was wrestling with my faith, but not having sex was one tenet I held to. I thought that it was the “right” thing to do, and so, I waited. I didn’t even think about it very much – I just did what I was taught.
Was it hard to wait? Did it affect your dating life?
It was difficult for me. There were many moments when I would say, “Screw it, I don’t want to wait anymore!” but my boyfriend really, really felt convicted not to have sex, and ultimately, I did, too.
After we were married, it became obvious that my boyfriend wasn’t straight, and it was clear that it had been easier for him to wait simply because he wasn’t really into ladies. The fact that I was so sexual and he wasn’t was a huge source of guilt and shame for me – I seriously thought there was something wrong with me for having a lot of sexual desire.
When you combine that with some body insecurities, I definitely had a hard time feeling positive about sex and my body after my husband and I divorced. I still struggle with it today, even in a relationship that is very healthy!
Did you wait till you were married to engage in all sexual activities? Or was it ‘just’ sexual intercourse that you ‘saved’?
I did everything but have sex, both with the guy I married and my first boyfriend before him. I think that is a huge flaw in the pro-abstinence movement: no one discusses the “rest.” I can remember admitting to a Bible study group that my boyfriend had touched my boobs and they FREAKED OUT.
I couldn’t bear to tell them the rest of the things we’d done. Oddly enough, two of those girls ended up pregnant outside of wedlock. No judgment there, but obviously, I was not the only one getting busy! No one talks about what’s “okay” and not, and no one discusses sexual activity. Again, I think that for many religious girls, admitting that you are doing anything sexual is a huge source of shame.
As for rationale, I don’t know that I had any other than I liked sexual things, but sex was wrong in my eyes. I felt insanely guilty for engaging in any sexual activity, but I did it anyways, somehow convincing myself that it was fine as long as I didn’t do the “big one.” My high school journals are filled with prayers for forgiveness for my sexual interactions with my boyfriend. I honestly wish I could go back to that version of myself and tell her she was normal.
How long did you date your boyfriend before you got married? Did he wait till marriage as well?
We dated off and on for seven years, and were together seriously for four years before getting married. My boyfriend had sex with a previous partner, but believed that he was a born-again virgin after going through some serious prayer and counseling.
From the minute we started dating, he insisted that we not have sex, and because I was actively involved at church, I agreed and we never really discussed it (save for a few weak moments) again after deciding to wait.
Do you think that sex played into your decision to get married?
Yes and no. I think that in the religion I was raised in, getting married was just what you did after you dated. Having sex was definitely something I was excited about but I also wanted to be a wife and start my life. I think I was less excited about having sex and more excited not to feel so guilty all the time for wanting it.
This is actually one of my biggest issues with religions that condemn sex before marriage. I think it’s incredibly odd to tell couples that they shouldn’t have sex or engage in any sort of sexual activity and then flip a switch where it’s all okay. Most relationships I’ve been involved in have included a slow progression of “fooling around” before having sex, and it is so weird to expect that couples go from zero to 60 in one night.
Finally, I get really sad that so many girls grow up like I did, thinking that there’s something inherently wrong with sexual desire when in reality, it’s deeply normal to want to have sex.
When it finally happened, did it live up to your expectations?
UGH. No. NO. My first time was literally something out of a horrible romantic comedy. We were both very concerned about everything going “right.” A big thing at Christian bridal showers is giving a serious amount of lingerie. My maid of honor gave me a very special white teddy for my wedding night, and I chose to wear that. We stayed at a super cheesy bed and breakfast with a huge bathtub. There were rose petals and soft lights and the whole works.
The wedding night itself was pressure-filled. I was so exhausted after one of the most emotional days of my life. I lived at home until I got married (I was 21) and so not only was I overwhelmed with the joy of seeing people I loved and all of that, I was also dealing with the fact that I was moving out of my parents house, something that was tremendously sad for me (I am VERY close to my family).
Anyways, when we got to the bed and breakfast, my then-husband had made a plan. He would shower, and then while I showered, he would get himself “excited” and then we would Have The Sex. Instead, while he was in the shower, I found a card my parents had left for me in my suitcase telling me how much they loved me and how sad they were that I was moving out, so when he got out of the shower, I was hysterically sobbing.
There was no sex. I tried, but neither of us was into it (me, because I was sad, and him, because he didn’t really like girls, but I didn’t know that yet). I added that to the list of things to feel terrible about: who couldn’t go through with sex on their wedding night?! ME.
Finally, we consummated our marriage the next morning in the bathtub. It was okay. Sex with anyone is usually a bit awkward the first time, if we’re being honest, but this was pretty bad. We had sex a few more times on our honeymoon, and I never had an orgasm. I also cried a lot because my husband wasn’t into it. It was awful.
Do you ever wish that you hadn’t waited?
I think that if we hadn’t waited, I would have figured out that my husband wasn’t into girls. He just never seemed to care about pleasing me, had a difficult time getting and staying “interested” and we had zero chemistry. I wish we’d figured that out earlier because I think we wouldn’t have gotten married. While we did engage in other activities before marriage, they were very guy-centered (a lot of oral sex for him) and he was into that.
Still, I don’t regret it. I think that my experience taught me a lot. It’s oversimplified to put it this way, but the experience I had led me to every good thing in my life today, so while I wish I had made a different choice in waiting because it ended in a failed marriage that might have been prevented, I am very grateful for where I am today.
What advice would you give to those thinking about waiting till marriage?
I understand that abstinence is urged in many religious circumstances, but if I could give advice, I would say NOT to wait. I think that having sex is not just about the act of sex: you get to know someone when you are intimate with them.
Having sex usually means you can do things like travel together and spend overnights together, and I think those things help a relationship grow. When my marriage failed, I ultimately felt like I had “missed” a huge part of getting to know my husband because we literally had not gotten to know one another beyond casual dating.
Also, I think that chemistry is a vital part of any relationship. I firmly believe that you can really love someone, yet not want to have sex with them, or not have good sex with them. That makes all the difference in an intimate relationship.
While I don’t want to discourage people from following their religious beliefs, I am a fan of saying “Chastity got me screwed.” And that’s how I feel. I think it’s a hugely important thing to figure out before you’ve committed your life to someone.
Did any of you wait till marriage? How do you feel about that decision?
P.S. Love your ex enough to leave them alone + How to get over a breakup
i waited until marriage but, like this author, engaged in 'everything but' The Sex. this article rings very close to home….the religious standards, then the guilt, OH the guilt, the disappointing honeymoon / unreasonable expectations.
thankfully things have gotten better…we've been married 10 years and when i discovered after a year that most don't achieve orgasm through penetration alone (what? who knew?)and learned how to work around differences in sex drives, we actually began to thrive.
how do i feel about waiting? it's mixed… i had very limited sex ed and so it's a good thing that i didn't end up pregnant or worse, with an std. but if i could do it all over again with what i know now, i might do things differently. and i don't know how i feel about that.
I am going to wait until marriage, as well as "everything else." This is because I am a Christian, sex before marriage is one of my personal boundaries. But I do understand the authors point. My parents were very open to talking about sex and I was taught about sexuality throughout my childhood. I can remember my mom helping me through a time when I was very young and accidentally exposed to porn, it freaked me out. She was very open and honest and I am really thankful for that!
All of that being said, I respect other peoples decision to have sex before marriage. I can see the befits. My personal belief is that you should wait. To the author: Thank you for writing this and for being so open!
I'm really, really glad for you that you had such a great upbringing! It sounds like you actually learned about sex and then made a decision for yourself on what was best for you and your beliefs. I'm a sex blogger (living with my boyfriend haha) and I really applaud this post.
Agreed with both posts above. I like how informed and tolerant you are.
That sounds like an awesome mom, and more people should be raised like you, how you have your first time can affect you in the future, but also shying away because you think its "wrong" isnt healthy, so many people arent honest or patient, so they either make mistakes from sex, or stay away from fear. its awesome how tolerant and informed you are, and they should really change how catholic schools teach sex or else im going to do this to my future kids
It is so refreshing to hear someone with their own, well formed and self justified rules talking. Whilst I live with my boyfriend and have been having sex since I was 15, I respect your decision and applaud you for making your own well informed choices, I wish more religious people were like you.
i definitely agree with you, i also made the choice to wait till marriage to have sex. however i didn't grow up in a religious home, and most of my friends were practicing sexual intercourse, i chose to wait till marriage to have sex because i'm a born again Christian and people need to understand that there is a difference between being a saved Christian and being a religious Christian. when your are saved/ born again its because you chose to let the Lord be your savior and therefore you do all that the bible says you should do not out of obligation but because you want to please God. now most religious Christians wait till marriage to have sex because they feel obligated, mean while they are doing everything else that is still regarded as sexual behavior. so my advice for young women is that if you decide to wait till marriage, then refrain from all other sexual activities. otherwise threes still no difference between you who waited and the girl who didn't, also wait for marriage because this is what you want to do, and not because you feel like you are obliged to do it
Amen! The creator designed sex that way, it is the most pleasurable that way. I waited till marriage, after 8 years and 2 kids I still feel excited seeing my wife naked. Marriage heat dot com is an excellent resource/testimony for those who love their spouse and the Lord. Sex is pleasurable even after 30years of marriage who follow the way of the Lord.
up until a year or so i was pretty set on waiting until marriage. i'm 26, and have been with really wonderful guys who were respectful of that decision– especially my current boyfriend who i've been with for about a year and a half. i just started to realize that the big thing that was absent from all of my christian abstinence education was LOVE. sex before marriage doesn't mean you're automatically sleeping around and horribly sinful. (loving) sex before marriage is like (loving) sex after marriage in a lot of ways– intimate, wonderful, and in a good situation– all about loving the other person and expressing it in a really special way. i decided to have sex with my boyfriend a few months ago and have been so glad i did. i kept waiting for the guilt, but it never came, MUCH to my surprise and relief.
i would encourage anyone struggling with this to look beyond what they've always been told– look into themselves, and into the relationship they're in. are you loved? do you feel safe? are you respected? is it about mutual enjoyment? one other thing my boyfriend always said was he never wanted sex to be prescriptive (something we did so that we would become closer), he wanted it to be descriptive (we love each other this much and sex is a way to reflect that).
Such a good and lovely point! <3
I feel like I could have written this comment myself. Thanks for sharing and I agree!
Thank you very much for that point.Especially when you say to look beyond what we've been told and more into ourselves.I was also into the waiting style until a year ago and I decided to give up on my virginity because he was the one (I thought!)It was really good but I hadn't consider how stable our relationship was and unfortunately we broke up.So I was wondering how my next boyfriend would react if I told him I want to wait until marriage although I lost my virginity.I feel more confident now because I know I have to really sit and get into my heart then I will make the right decision.Do I feel loved?safe?respected?ready for it?
Thank you!
That was an absolute wonderful response. I completely agree with the point you made when you said loving sex before marriage is like loving sex after marriage in a lot of ways. I am a Catholic and was dead set on waiting until marriage. When it seemed that everyone around me (friends, classmates, etc.) was having sex, I always thought I'm going to be the one who waited. I am now a second year collage student. However, I recently had sex with my boyfriend. It was my first time. We love each other unconditionally and we both strongly desire to get married in a couple years. I know he is the man I'm going to marry. Though I don't regret the act with HIM I do feel guilt about the act in general. In fact I feel very sad about it and have the hardest time accepting the fact that I cannot take it back. I told him I don't want to do it anymore until marriage and he completely understands and only wants the best for us and our relationship. Though I did give my virginity to my future husband and to a man that I will spend the rest of my life with, I can't help but feel guilt. I find it hard to accept the fact of it all. My biggest hurdle is understanding that just because a couple waits, does not guarantee a perfect marriage. I would imagine there have been MANY couples that engaged in sex before marriage and have had long happy marriages just as there have probably been couples that did wait and are now divorced or in a very unhealthy marriage. I also find myself comparing my life to other people's. What I mean by that is for instance saying "oh look at that couple who's waiting; their probably going to have a wonderful marriage". I realize I need to stop comparing myself to other people or it will eat me alive. After all, I really don't know what their "real" situation is. It's between me and GOD. Reading these responses has helped me understand that it will be okay and God will take me back no matter WHAT happens.
For someone who is not a Christian, I can understand looking at this issue from such a perspective: being in love and committed and having sex is not wrong whereas sleeping around with multiple people for sheer physical satisfaction is. But it sounds like you, at some point in your life perhaps, considered yourself a Christian. This changes things. As a Christian, it's not about how you and your partner feel about your love and commitment, rather, it is what God says is right and wrong.
I find so many Christians really forget this. If you were hungry and poor and stole food, you'd probably feel pretty good about that too because then you would be full instead of hungry. Yet God says "Do not steal." If we as sinful human beings based our decisions of what's right and wrong on our own feelings, we would be lost. God even says "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"
Please to any Christians who are reading this, remember, as I must remind myself also, that we live for God, that we live to please Him and not ourselves. I am a twenty-somethings single girl and in no way am without sexual desires. But God came down and died for us to save us…if we have given our life over to Him, it should be His desires that we ourselves desire.
We all are still sinners. No getting around that. But remember. We are also FORGIVEN.
Romans 12:2 says "Do not conform to the pattern of the world." As Christians, we have been sanctified which means "Set apart."
So I must disagree with this idea of "loving sex" before marriage as a Christian. Yes, you may be in love. Yes you can choose to have sex. But is it no longer a sin simply because you are in love? No.
I truly agree with you on this matter we as a people r so focus on worldly things that we tent to forget about pleasin our God. Now as born again Christian after all these years, I have learned as a Christian that it is best to quit being a housewife before you r married and learn to wait til after you are married to be the wife. If you as two adults can not fine things in common to build a loving and committed relationship on, then its just not worth it. Because it just can not be all about sex so my advice is to wait. I wish I had….
I agree with the last 2 of the Anonymous commenters above. No offence to any other commenters… If you are going to be a Christian then you must be Christ-like. Jesus doesn't want his people to "defile their beds" and he doesn't even want a "man touching a woman." These are scriptural references that I think any Christian cant just ignore. Im 23 and Im a virgin (no vaginal, anal,or oral sex; no hand jobs, no clothes off, or any fooling around) and ill admit its hard to wait. People automatically assume im not a virgin since im considered to be pretty and Ill date some good looking men but anyone who gets to know me realizes there is something different about me and many times there has been people to later say that I was an encouragement for themselves. You got to have faith that you can wait and one day you'll be glad you did. If you haven't waited so far, then there is no reason you cant start now. I hope this helps someone out there. I got to this blog because I was having a discouraging day where the world told me that I had to do this stuff but after some searching around the internet, the Bible, and through my friends, I have found that more people might be having sex/etc. before marriage but more people will look up to those who wait. Not saying that those who wait are "holier-than-thou" but saying it takes a great amount of strength and patience to wait, so much that its a light to others. And one more thing- if you think anything but sex is harmless— 1) its still sin according to the Bible 2) if you think its hard to wait on sex then youre not doing yourself any favors by fooling around. itll be way harder to wait 3)if you ask around, then youll find that most of the time when a couple started fooling around did in fact give in to sex before marriage as well (despite original plans).
I didn't wait I had exactly one sexual partner before the person who became my wife – for the record it wasn't very enjoyable. My wife-to-be and I didn't have sex prior to getting married.
But now I seem to have a similar problem. My wife is simply not interested, I don't know if it's me, this relationship or just men but she generally treats sex like some chore that needs to be taken care of. I'm not saying she's not nice about it but its mechanical. Once every month or two she decides that "it's time". From there we move to a time of hardly kissing (and definitely no deep kissing) where I'm not allowed to touch her very much. Once were together the focus turns to "are you done yet". That probably sounds harsher than what is actually being said but that is the intent, no matter how happy she is to do the chore it isn't any more interesting for her than taking out the garbage and while we have talked about her lack of satisfaction she has no observable interest in changing things for the better.
So on at least one level I kind of wish she had figured out what's going on with her sexuality before committing to a monogamous relationship.
For those talking about the bible and sin. I'd remind them that actually all that is restricted is "sexual immorality" a phrase which does not contain a specific list of do's and don'ts.
I feel like your wife has not experienced orgasm or climax stage… l was like that as well when l didn’t reach that level of satisfaction. The only time l did experience it was in a time where l cheated on my partner and that was when my mind set and interest changed towards sex because l climaxed. As a woman l can say l know where she is coming from but that does not make it right especially when you married. You need sexual counselling from a professional and pastor to help your situation.
Just because you are not a virgin, does not mean you are obligated to now have sex. Some people go through periods of deliberate celibacy for a variety of reasons, even after no longer being virgins. Some people decide they dont want to have sex again until married, also for a variety of reasons. Sometimes these desions are related to spirituality, but not always. If you want to wait until you are married to have sex again, then wait. Don’t make a big deal about it don’t, defend it. If a the person youre with pressures you at all; Let them know that that’s coercion and get rid of him. There are alot of very practical reasons to wait to until married( especially for women) Just like are practical reasons not binge eat on junk food. The way you pose your question makes me wonder if you’re even old enough to be having sex?
This was a wonderful, eloquent, and candid interview. Thank you, M. I went to public school, so my sex ed wasn't influenced by the Catholic church (if I didn't go to a public middle/high school I would have gone to Catholic school) however, I maintained I was going to wait until marriage based on "wanting it to be special/with the right person." Only maybe a teeny tiny part of me was waiting because of my faith. I'm now in my early 20s and although I haven't dated anyone since I was 17, after many conversations, reading articles from both sides of this issue, and having some intimate moments with guy-friends, I would probably wait until I was with someone I loved, trusted, and would obviously not flee in case there was an "accident." I've realized that the "first time" for most women isn't magical, but awkward, and since I'm already a pretty awkward person, I'm not setting high expectations. 😉 We only know what's best for ourselves regarding when to have sex for the first time, and it takes a lot of courage to come out and say "I was sure this was the right decision for me, but I was wrong." Thank you, M!
</end two cents
I waited until marriage and honestly, I wouldn't have had it any other way. All of my church leaders made it clear that sex is a wonderful, amazing thing, but that it's sacred and reserved for marriage to someone you love. I think that is the most important thing when it comes to chastity. It has to be clear that sex is great and a way of becoming closer with the person you're married to and that there's nothing wrong about it if you wait for the right time. As a result, I knew that my husband was the one I wanted to be with for eternity and we both made that leap together.
It's also important to note, that abstinence is the only way to 100% avoid pregnancy. If more teenage girls waited, they could save themselves a lot of heartache.
That's very one-sided though.
How many fantasies does your husband have, and how many of them are being fulfilled?
I'm sorry, but abstinence-only sex education has been repeatedly proven to not only be ineffective, it has been proven to *increase* pregnancies.
I'm glad that you are happy with your decision, but your ideas about preventing pregnancies in teens are archaic, mislead, and ignorant.
It's people like you that are causing religious teens to have higher rates of STDs and pregnancies around the country.
You are correct, the only way to not get pregnant is to not have sex. But I really do think that sexual desire is a natural human want, and to simply tell a human being to ignore it won't be the solution. There has to be *healthy* ways to redirect this. As some one who's had many partners and all kinds of fun, I never could have ignored this urge. If I considered masturbation shameful as well, then I would have been in a spiral of guilt. As you say, sex doesn't have to be shameful! But we have to acknowledge that this primal want is hard to ignore and there must be ways to address it.
I just have to say that the author of this comment is correct: if a woman doesn't have sex, she can't get pregnant. She isn't, at least in her comment, touting abstinence-only education. She is stating a fact about abstinence, and that is that it is the only way to prevent pregnancy 100%.
Abstinence didn't work for Mary! haha. And I'm a Christian, never waited, and wouldn't have it any other way. Also, waiting doesn't magically protect you from unwanted pregnancy in marriage either. Just because you sign a US legal document does not mean you're ready to have kids. You're right. It should be sacred. That's why you should not focus on the legality of it and focus on whether you two actually love each other. Having sex before marriage honestly saved my marriage.
How many people are divorcing yet majority if not all had sex before marriage,having or not having sex does not save any marriage,if you don't have common sense to keep a marriage going it will collapse even if you had sex before or after.Marriage is hard work.M's marriage failed because of the dishonesty from her ex husband and not because of she waited until marriage. When you are waiting there should be a force that drives you to do so.If its God surely you will wait but if its people you will fall hard because everyone will tell you how they feel.A christian should not have sex outside marriage period.And if teens waited they would not have all the sex related problems.Sex is great but in marriage and having sex with someone does not prove that you love each other.There are a lot of benefits in waiting.
Thumbs up for all you guys that are waiting.
Thank you for the post about your view. It's clear that many were being a tad closed-minded.
I think it is important to have peace with your decision– whatever that decision may be. That's it.
I'm happy for you, Kristie. 🙂
That was a good decision on your part. And it will always be a good decision for people who were educated well, and in a wholesome manner, about sex, sexuality, and why it's not a wise decision to have sex outside of marriage.
There's only so much raw emotion can give a romantic relationship. But if you ground said relationship on a vow to be together for pretty much until you die, and if you keep true and devote your time and effort to it, then you will most likely get through the rough times that will appear in any relationship. Without the vow, there's not much keeping two people together other than human lust (sadly, put in the wrong context.) When the feelings die, having no solid commitment makes saying "bye-bye" and looking for another body to "love" easier. With a clear promise of "til death do us part," you're stuck together and you realize you're just gonna have to make it work, and make it more beautiful. That is the proper context.
-Lance Cembrano
(Google account not working..)
Hey thats cool. I think it’s important to teach sex as just another way to get closer to someone and not such a big thing. It should feel natural the first time. I am having a tough time commenting more because I was a Catholic male scared to death about sex. No one ever taught me not to masterbate and do everything else I wanted but sex. As a result I was very very nervous and it was kind of like ripping off a bandaid the first time. What young men need to learn at least is that you need to sexually dominate your women and give her what she desires. You cant do it the normal way. Youve got to assert your will and then sex will be desierable for everyone. The commenter above is trying to cater to his wife all the time and ironically thats whats turning her off. Men should be dominate with women in bed and make themselves wanted and sexually desierable
I didn't date much in high school and in my first few years of university I had a few flings but never a serious relationship. In these flings I was often pressured to have sex, but always maintained my 'no' (except for once when I was so sick of him begging that I said 'fine. put a condom on'. Luckily he didn't have one and respected me enough that that was a deal breaker). I reflected on my boundaries a lot, especially since most of my friends were having sex and couldn't put my finger on 'what' I was waiting for, was it marriage? Was it the right guy? When I was 21 I met a guy and fell for him really hard and fast. He was so kind, fun and understanding and was the most amazing rock when I got the call that my friend had died (on our FOURTH date).
For the first couple of months I regularly thought how incredibly smitten I was with him and although we had sleep overs, he never pressured me after I'd told him that I'd never slept with anyone and wasn't ready. About 2.5 months into the relationship we were cuddling in bed one night when I decided that I was 'ready'. He was so patient as I shyly shared how much I cared for him, and that I wanted to have sex. He was happy and excited, but we didn't have sex that night (we actually waited another 2 weeks). And then I realized what I'd been waiting for…after my shy confession, he had one of his own. This time I waited patiently while he told me how lucky he felt to be with me, how much he treasured the months that we'd been together and how he felt like he couldn't hold it in anymore…he said 'I love you' for the first time. I immediately reciprocated and realized that THAT is what I'd been waiting for. That sex to me was an extension of my love and trust for him. By being ready to have sex with him, I was unwittingly telling him that I loved him. We are approaching three years now, and are living together. Ironically even back then I thought I was going to marry him, and still do. I am so glad of my decision because Iwouldn't want to change our progression at all:)
I like that. Sex is so much more special when it is with someone you love.
This was an interesting interview. I come from a conservative culture where sex before marriage is looked down upon and I had huge mental blocks against sex because of that. Now that I already did it, I believe it was no big deal and it is just a tool used to control women and their bodies
Thank you for raising this point! I found it very itneresting that M stated he believed he was a "Born again virgin" – is this an option for women? Would it have been acceptable for M to try sex and then become a born again virgin after prayer? Personally I believe that sex is as big of a deal as you want to make it, but I can definitely agree that there is a double standard here.
Actually I have heard of "born again virgins" of both sexes. I have actually heard of more women than men.
My parents weren't open about sex. I was raised to think sex was bad and to wait until marriage. I had planned on doing just that. But I didn't get a choice one night and had it taken from me. It's been over 10 years and I still hate sex and find it to be one of the dumbest things ever.
I'm so sorry that happened to you <3
I'm very sorry to hear about that. I would recommend talking to a counselor and processing the experience. No one should be allowed to ruin something that can be beautiful for you for so very long. Counseling will help you take the power back over your sexuality. Hang in there. You're not alone.
That is so, so sad. Your story breaks my heart and makes me so angry, too. I am very sorry that happened to you and hope that you are able to find a way to heal from the trauma.
I will wait sex till marriage
I'm sorry that this happened to you. I've been through what you've been through and it's hard. It helps to talk to some one. Its helps to move past the anger and feel good about yourself. You're a beautiful, strong person and I bet the name Wonder Woman fits you well. I hope you can find peace.
Sorry about that. Find a counselor and things will get much better. Or pray to God, and he'll help you.
Don't let the evildoer(s) that did that to you win. Rise back and regain what is yours.
I was also raised to wait until marriage to have sex. I ended up having sex for the first time at age 22, unmarried. I had been with my boyfriend for six years by that point, & always assumed we would wed. Toward the end, I think I knew the relationship was failing, but didn't want to admit it to myself after that many years together. I ended up giving in, & we then literally broke up a month later. I found myself so hurt & confused. I didn't understand why I had saved myself that long for nothing. I unfortunately ended up having a few meaningless encounters after that, assuming since I had been with one man, what was the point of saving myself any longer? My self-esteem plummeted when I realized I was nothing BUT sex to these guys. If I could go back & do it again, I would approach dating & relationships with the philosophy that just because you've been with one (or more) persons, sex is still special & can be saved for the right person again. I definitely regret being with men that I wasn't special to. I am now in a relationship where sex is an extension of love & I am comfortable & happy with it despite not being married. I wouldn't adhere rigidly to the rule that sex is only for marriage despite my beliefs as a Christian, but I do believe it should only be a part of committed & loving relationships. Maybe some people can be comfortable with it on a more casual basis, but it only left me feeling empty & used, & I never want to feel that way because of a man again.
There are two types of guys just like girls. Guys that are monogamous and want to settle down, and guys that enjoy hook-ups. Yeah, some guys will see you nothing more than a blow-up doll. But you have to learn how to separate these guys. If you're wanting commitment you can't hook up with a polygamous guy and then cry about it. Unfortunately, people who have been hurt by sex are usually the people to teach abstinence-only and give very biased opinions. That's kind of the problem we're hinting at. Luckily, you figured out monogamous fun sex but a lot of others haven't and go the rest of their lives regretting sex and wanting to go back in time instead of using it as a learning experience.
I think the most important point is to give women the CHOICE and not make them feel looked down upon because the chose to have or not to have sex. A person's worth should never be defined by her (or his) sex life!
Both shaming women who have sex or ridiculing women who want to wait is harmful. Because this decision should not be made out of guilt but out of reflection with your personal values. Once you are comfortable with your own values you can make a healthy choice, that makes you feel good about it.
But I don't think the "abstinence only"-education allows for an informed decision because it only shows one side. Furthermore, there are many studies proving, that areas with the abstinence-education suffer from the highest teen pregnancy rate, which is an unnecessary hardship from patronising the adolescents' right of information and self-determination.
Regards,
Marie
here here!
Well put!
I understand that a religious groundwork encourages you to abstain but hearing stories like this convince me that it's not always a positive experience. The combination of guilt, sexual suppression and negative self-esteem makes sex into this bad thing, when it should be one of the best things in a relationship.
I couldn't imagine feeling guilty while being sexual active. Pleasure should be freeing and not a crime. Being sexually free, comfortable, and safe is something everyone should experience. Being sexually active in your teens (non-married) tends to give you more negative sexual encounters than positive but I'm still glad for the experience. Ideally you will have an arsenal of education and you're proactive about maintaining your sexual health by visiting a doctor regularly.
While being sexually active, you learn about yourself, what you like and what you like in a partner. You learn to sort the "users" from the honest men. You gain self-esteem in the ability to maintain control and power in your sexual knowledge. I obviously don't recommend this if you aren't aware of Pregnancy and STD's, especially HPV (I know a close friend who abstained for years, had sex with her boyfriend of 2 years after he was tested and now she has HPV from him. Men are carriers and cannot be tested for HPV). Luckily I grew up with a very straight-forward comprehensive sexual education, especially with my mom in health care.
Overall, I think everyone should make this choice based on what their body is telling them. If you feel the urge to have sex, try it! (Safely of course) If you aren't comfortable with sex and you want to wait then that's power to you as well! Abstaining in this sexually charged world is definitely more difficult then giving into social pressures. It should be a choice, not a mandate. Sex is amazing, great and so so good for you in many ways but also do what makes YOU happy, not others.
Sorry for the long post I just feel very strongly about this and I'm glad you read other people's opinions.
There are so many great comments already here. I also waited until I was on the older side, not because of a religious belief, but because I kept missing the right time or person. My first time in particular was not great, but my partner and I went on to have many, many lovely sexual experiences together. I am very glad that I didn't just "do it" to be done with it. I think virginity is way, way overhyped in a lot of ways. At the risk of offending people, I don't think virginity needs to be treasured nor loathed. Sex is serious stuff, but it's serious for virgins and non-virgins. The risks of pregnancy, disease, heartbreak, embarrassment, shame, etc. are always with us when we think about sex.
PS I hope I didn't offend anyone 🙂 I just think that too much treasuring of one's virginity can create a complex or unrealistically high expectations of sex.
Personally I am not offended one bit, you are allowed to your opinions and that's that =)
However, I just wanted to say that I… just personally, of course… think of virginity as indeed as a precious thing. It is unique– you can give it just once to one person and never get it back. In the world we live in, one-of-a-kind things are indeed valuable beyond compare. It is true that everyone is a virgin to begin with. But that virginity is still uniquely theirs and can only be given just once. In my opinion… just my thoughts… it is very precious and should be treasured. Whether you wait for marriage or just someone that loves you, you honor the fact that it means something more to you.
I couldn't agree more! What's so special about a piece of flesh?! It's like saying you are a good person only because you have five fingers instead of six. And who is to say that even if a woman is a virgin on her wedding night, that's a clear indication that she will stay faithful to her husband? I think that some of the views in the bible are really outdated (eg what women should wear in church, how slaves and masters should behave towards each other, etc). I'm sure the only reason women were expected to be virgins in those times was to protect men's self-esteem, as they were worried about the size of their willies and didn't want their woman to be able to compare! Which brings me to the subject of women's right to happiness: was the institution of marriage really designed with marital happiness in mind? I don't think so: in those times people didn't marry for love. It was the parents who arranged the marriage. If there was any chemistry between the two "actors" of the marriage ceremony, I'm sure it was purely accidental. Marriage then was a political and social decision, not an emotional one. Why do we try old kiddies's socks on now that we have grown up?!
I agree with Rosiecat, sex is serious, but virginity shouldn't be treasured or loathed.
I am 27, I have never had sex and it's not because I am religious or waiting for marriage. At this point in my life I think that the risks outweigh the benefits. I don't have health insurance and I am not financially secure enough to deal with the potential negative consequences. If I had sex I would take safety precautions of course, but if any accidents happened it would be a major burden. I plan on having sex when I am at a more secure place in my life and I meet a partner that I can build a safe and satisfying relationship with. If that doesn't happen in the next 5 years will I start having sex ? I don't know, I am hoping and working towards fulfilling my plan
I also waited until marriage, and so did my husband. The statistic of only 5% is mind-boggling to me, mostly because it is such an intimate experience. I grew up Catholic, but although that was influential, it wasn't the only reason. My mom explained very early on the anatomy, benefits, consequences, etc. that all is involved with sex, and, I saw clearly the cons outweigh the pros in sex outside of a committed relationship like marriage. Physiologically, sex with one person literally bonds us (releases hormones) to that other person(s), and it is harder to bond the more partners one has. Pregnancy, STDs, and depression can all come along with the baggage that multiple partners (and having sex too early). It was never a shaming thing to talk about with my mom or adults in my life, and was always given a very positive light, and I just felt the consequences were too serious, and I very much felt that if my partner wanted to be with me and whom I felt respected by, marriage was the inevitable end of dating that person.
I will say, that I agree with the interviewee, on the fact that the wedding night is literally like a light switch that gets flipped, but honestly, sex in the church is looked on as "very good" between married couples and is quite encouraged! Statistically, people who live together before marriage have the highest rate of divorce, which should also be considered.
Sarah M
I too was surprised by the 5% statistic. In my group of close friends from high school, all seven of us (and our spouses) waited until marriage to have sex. So waiting until marriage is actually something pretty common in my sphere of life. My husband and I waited for religious reasons, and we're glad that we did – apart from religious reasons, we're happy that we both waited because there's a peace of mind that comes from knowing we've only been intimate with each other.
"In my group of close friends from high school, all seven of us (and our spouses) waited until marriage to have sex."
… or so they say 😉
I'm happy for your you! 🙂
And as I thought, it really just takes (1) good upbringing and (2) good education about sex and sexuality to help people (especially the younger people) have a proper, and more wholesome understanding of sex.
-Lance Cembrano
I found this interview really fascinating and I thought the interviewee's conclusions about sex being another way to get to know someone to be spot-on. She makes some good points about not being ashamed about sexual desire, which most education programs or religious organizations ignore, or at least ignore that it exists for women, too.
The comments seem to follow a different path, though. They seem to be either "I'm waiting until marriage" comments (which are fine if they didn't end with the judgmental "abstinence is the only way to prevent STDs" BS) or the "I wanted to wait but I didn't and I was pressured into it" comments, which make me really sad because these stories are about how women had no agency with their own bodies.
It just makes me really sad that virginity is enough to make or break people's self worth. Sex is a normal part of existence, and whoever said that treasuring virginity or even sex can create a ridiculously high expectation of sex is right.
You *can* have sex (even "meaningless" sex with people you just met!) and still have your esteem and self-worth. You *can* have fun while still taking it seriously.
To each their own, though. A person doesn't have to be okay with casual sex to have "agency" over their own body. You can believe sex is meant to be reserved for special relationships (& consequently regret poor choices in the past) & still have a current healthy relationship with your own sexuality.
I totally agree 🙂
I don't mean to imply that anyone *should* have casual sex, but you shouldn't feel bad if you do or have, which I definitely started to feel after reading a lot of these comments.
And I wasn't saying that anyone needs to have casual sex to have agency over their bodies, but the commenter who was raped was certainly robbed of hers.
I guess I can see it both ways. I do feel bad about some choices I made, but I use that as a learning experience & now know that casual sex really isn't for me.
The rape is another (horrible) issue entirely. Very tragic & horrible.
Evie, I thought it was interesting as well that the comments overlooked the female desire part of the equation. The author mentioned masturbation, which I feel is an important part of the issue. The suppression of desire is the important part to me, not the waiting to actually have PIV sex, and I think whether or not a woman is comfortable with feeling desire and acknowledging her own needs is a lot more important than whether or not she is comfortable having PIV sex with a man!
I'm a little late to the party here, but…having deeply explored my sexuality (and continuing to do so), I can honestly say that I haven't yet made any sexual choices that I've regretted. I've done everything from missionary to full on orgies, and for me, as long as everything was done with a measure of respect (yes, you can still respect someone even if they're asking you to talk dirty or whatnot), I have never seen sex as shameful or wrong.
I feel like RESPECT is one of the most important things, if not THE most important thing, when it comes to sex. Whether its causal sex with a person you just met, or your wedding night and you've waited til then, respect, both for yourself AND the other partner (or partners) is extremely important.
-Kel
I don't think anyone was trying to be judgmental with the "abstinence is the only 100% way to prevent pregnancy and STD's" comment. Keep in mind that she meant abstinence ITSELF– the verb, not the teaching of it that I do agree most often gets polluted or biased. Abstinence in it's purest form just means not having sexual experiences until marriage. And yes, if you don't have sexual experiences you will 100% not get pregnant or get an STD.
I absolutely don't mean to offend anyone, I just wanted to add a hopefully clearer view.
I was promiscuous as a teen and then wanted to wait to have sex with my second husband until the wedding. I love my choice.
Although I was raised by an ex-Mormon mom who went out of her way to make sure we didn't feel guilt about sex, I did anyway, because I was promiscuous while a teen.
Later in my life I learned things about the biology of sex. It dawned on me that the condom isn't a magic consequence-eliminating thing. The statistics about herpes are astonishing. The failure of condoms is always a possibility and I've had my own close calls. Bio-chemically, the emotional bonding involved in sex is very real. Psychologically, the way may and women become committed is different. Essentially, physically and psychologically, sex invests a woman as much as a marriage. To me, sex IS a marriage, and it doesn't make sense to me to marry without marrying. Energetically, things are being exchanged. Nature seems to indicate that monogamy is important. A woman's body "reads" a man's DNA through his fluids, so that when she gets pregnant by him, her body doesn't reject the fetus. (This is called pre-clampsia and it happens most often when a pregnancy occurs after not much time together having unprotected sex.)
In a word, I feel that sex is just too sacred to have it outside the context of a very very serious commitment.
However, I had the benefit of being very sexually knowledgeable from my past. I also did the "everything but" routine with my current husband. We also got married so fast that we created a scandal with worried friends and family! We were just really clear we wanted to get married, but I admit that the "everything but" routine was putting some pressure on the wedding date!
So, if there is an ideal, I can't hold up my story as that. But for me, saving intercourse for this marriage wasn't about withholding it from myself, but about giving myself the gift of better sex for the rest of my life. When we have sex now, it is a consummation of a marriage commitment, not a consummation of "I love you". Our wedding night is a precious memory that I wouldn't trade for anything.
Firstly, I totally support your right to have an opinion on this matter, its extremely personal and everyone should do what is right for them.
However, sex DOES NOT affect men and women differently naturally, its a construct of our patriarchal society and you can't generalize for every woman that "sex invests a woman as much as marriage".
Also pre-eclampsia is high blood pressure in pregnancy, it has nothing to with rejecting the fetus or the amount of times you have had unprotected sex with the same person, anyone can suffer from it in pregnancy.
I'm also concerned with a couple of the comments you've made. I completely agree that sex constitutes an incredibly special bond – a bond enhanced by a firmly committed relationship.
However, the comments made about a woman's body "reading" a man's body, thereby allowing her body to not reject her fetus troubles me. Not to open up a completely different conversation, but it brings to mind a certain quote in the news recently from a politician implying a woman's body could somehow recognize a rape over consensual sex and prevent pregnancy from rape. Neither statement is true. And the comment that preeclampsia is the result of her body rejecting a fetus resulting from "not much time together having unprotected sex" is also inaccurate. Preeclampsia is a condition in which a woman develops high blood pressure and protein in the urine after the 20th week (late 2nd or 3rd trimester) of pregnancy. Her body has already succeeded in implantation and progressed into the pregnancy.
Beliefs such as these without scientific basis, lead to, among other things, a woman perhaps allowing society to judge the state of her very private relationship. More importantly, not understanding the potential conditions that can occur in pregnancy can lead to delaying proper medical care, risking the life of both mother and child. A woman's or man's decision about when to have sex is a completely private one that only she and he should be privy to. They should take into account religious beliefs and family morals to assist them in that decision if they so desire. But they should also be armed with a proper understanding of the physiological effects of sex from a scientific perspective rather than a perhaps well intentioned but ultimately misguided moral perspective.
The level of inaccuracy in the post about pregnancy is astonishing, and sad. THIS is why women and young girls have accidents and contract STDs; lack of education. Here we have a grown women not understanding how it really works.
As someone who was sexually active before marriage- and married a man with kids so I know he was!, I can understand the opposite perspective. However, I personally feel that knowing your partner completely is a better indicator of a successful marriage. I do not regret being active before marriage, in fact I am really, really happy I was. I was careful, have always taken it very seriously,and have never had an accident. I have always gotten routine tests and see a doctor regularly. I think being active made me more knowledgeable because I took the time to educate myself for my own protection.
To each their own, but I will be telling my children that it is more than okay to be active, and they will know how to protect themselves.
I'm sorry, but someone please explain to me why it's ok to do "everything but" except vaginal intercourse before marriage? I ask as a sexually active unmarried 28-year-old. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this.
Why do we not give a sh*t about everything else?
I struggled with that question so much! I got to a point where I was thinking "who am I to call myself a "virgin" now?!" Honestly for me, some of the "everything but" felt like a more dramatic shift than actually having sex for the first time.
When sex becomes about rules and restrictions, people find ways around them, and somehow that's ok in our world… doesn't make sense to me.
Actually, the thinking behind "everything but" is pretty logical… (no, really–hear me out!) The Christian community I was involved in when I was a teenager preached "virginity until marriage," so premarital vaginal intercourse was expressly, specifically held up as a source of shame. Other sexual acts, on the other hand, were pretty much never, ever mentioned–ESPECIALLY not oral sex or anal sex; occasionally you'd hear about kissing or "heavy petting" (?!), but oral sex and anal sex were totally taboo. As a teen who is trying to figure out right and wrong, when you have people in your religious community (people whom you trust) telling you vaginal sex is NOT okay–but they don't mention anything else at all–it's really easy to fall into the trap of "well, as long as we don't do THAT…"
I was one of the teens who did "everything but," and I think it really screwed up my expectations, made it really hard to trust myself or my partner sexually, and piled a ton of shame on top of it all. I think the trusted adults whose advice I was trying to follow had good intentions, but they REALLY missed the mark by not talking about ALL sex acts.
I now firmly believe that anything unmentionable or taboo will always lead to confusion and shame.
I hadn't thought about it that way! I guess what's interesting is that "sex" explicitly means vagina + penis in many religious environments, when it doesn't to many people (for example, that definition would mean that many lesbians are virgins). It's hard to have a dialogue about something where two people can have completely different definitions.
I agree that there is some illogical-ness here, but I have to say that as some one who's been with men that will do 'everything but' (for a multitude of reasons), there is something to be said that sex changes things.
This is totally opinion, but I believe it's because you're more vulnerable when some one is literally penetrating you with their most vulnerable parts. Yeah, how is that for eloquence? It's just my feelings around this but I do think vulnerability is what it has to do with it.
In our modern society it is not true anymore, that all cohabiting couples are more likely to divorce once married. Here is a well written article that is careful of not confusing correlation and causation:
http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-07-28-cohabitation-research_N.htm
There are some groups for which it is true, but at the same time the following is the case: "The odds of divorce among women who married their only cohabiting partner were 28% lower than among women who never cohabited before marriage, according to sociologist Daniel Lichter of Cornell University in Ithaca, N.Y."
The above opinion and article were meant as a reply to Evie, sorry, I thought it would show up directly beneath it…
Oh no, another mistake, I meant the one above Evie, by Sarah. Oh man, I should have gone to bed earlier^^
Sarah the blogqueen, can you mend this?
Have a good day, all you valuable ladies – whose value is everything but tied to your sexual preferences : )
Wow. Wonderful article. There are many great comments to what you've written, so I won't go on too long. I just wanted to say how validating it is to read about someone who's experience so very closely mirrors my own. Best of luck!
I want to start my comment with two things:
1) Sex is a personal experience and I therefore believe it is a personal decision how you will approach it.
2) I appreciate that what the author describes is her personal experience, and her opinions and feelings about her eperience are totally valid.
That said, I'd like to briefly share mine:
I was raised as an orthodox jew in a family where sex was not a taboo topic. My mother discussed sex at length with me and never presented it as in any way shameful. But she did present it as a big deal, not something to just be done with anyone. It was presented as sacred and, like all sacred things, they should be guarded and used at the proper times.
Judaism dictates that a man and woman do not touch at all until they are married, but personally I didn't do well with that one. I did wait until I was married to have sex. I do not regret that decision and remain happily married to my husband. It did take time to adjust to sex and adjust my expectations of sex after watching way too much TV/Movies. I consider that a failing of the media more than a failing of my upbringing. I know girls who never watched tv or movies, and they were prepared with more realistic expectations than I.
That was my experience, and I certainly hope I'm not alone in that.
I agree. I waited until I was married and both my husband and I are really grateful we did.
It does take a bit of an adjustment to go from the 'we shouldn't' to the 'oh, we can' mind set but it was not a big deal and we're very happily married with no guilt or built up repression issues.
I think wether you wait or not is a personal choice and no one else can really decide it for you.
Thank you for sharing this! In high school, I was a highly conservative Baptist who attended "Purity Conferences" and read countless books about waiting for marriage to have sex. Of course the results of this included me feeling awful every time I was horny, thinking I would only have "worth" if I wore one-piece swimsuits and never touched a dude, and latching onto the first guy who pretended (yep, pretended) to be a Christian willing to wait as well.
After much wasted time and pointless shame, I finally started truly questioning my faith and learned to love myself, without letting a patriarchal set of rules dictate my thoughts and actions. After sleeping around a lot for the next several years – without a pregnancy scare or STD in sight (thank you condoms and the pill) – I am in a healthy, love-drenched, romantic relationship with a guy who is my best buddy and confidant.
As someone who has gone from guilt-choked virgin to happy slut to proud atheist, I can honestly say I am so very grateful that I did not wait for marriage. I'll take learning and loving over beating myself up any day. Life is way too short to put off bliss!
A love for God is the one thing that makes a true christian wait.
I love God deeply and I love sex, including intercourse, before and after my marriage, and no one or nothing can come between me and my God. God's love for me doesn't depend at all on whether I have sex or not. His love, His grace, is a gift just for me, it's unconditional, and nothing, not even a penis, is going to take that away from me. That's my God. If it helps, at the end of the day, just consider me the prodigal son. My shoulders will be robed, my feet will be covered, the fatted calf will be killed, and you, older brother, will be pissed. But that's ok too. God loves us all.
AWESOME!!! I’ll be right there with you dancing in the house instead of outside with the older brother.
I'm sorry love but it seems as though having sex before marriage messed you up a little bit and that your coping mechanism was abandoning the Christian teachings, I don't blame you I had to relax the hold of that on me so that I wouldn't be ashamed everytime a guy kissed me or fondled me. As a kid 13 or so, my cousin and I messed about (extremely sick). I was sure I bled and that he took my virginity but I wasn't sure so I didn't have vaginal with any guy after that hoping that I would find out someday but I never have. Weighed on me for a lot of years but I finally let it go but it means I don't know if I'm a virgin. I've met a man I love and want to have sex with but can never tell him, I'm sure I'll be tight when we have sex but I'll never have my answer till we've done it. Oh and I'm 33 guess the guilt made me wait a long time and then after that it took a while for me to find the right guy.
Hear, hear!
I waited until I was 21 and I am really glad I did. I was emotionally mature. I was with a very kind man who loved me very much. I was safe and felt loved and had one of the few good first time experiences I've ever heard of. I would absolutely advise young girls to wait until they're really ready, to not feel pressured, to be with someone who truly loves them. But waiting for marriage? Never.
I've never been married, but I have been in a similar situation as the interviewee. I was in a relationship with a religious man who I loved very much. We originally planned on waiting till marriage, but decided eventually to have a go at it. Neither of us were virgins, but I didn't have very much experience before him. As soon as we started doing it, I realized he wasn't the man for me…a thing I wouldn't have known otherwise. Because it turns out A) we wanted vastly different things in the bedroom (I wanted to have sex; he wanted to ridicule me, laugh at me, and exercise control over the relationship by denying me sex) and B) while he was a very nice man outside the bedroom, he was a scary a-hole in the bedroom.
If I found that out after I married him, I probably would have hurt myself.
Don't wait, ladies. Wait until you're ready. Wait until someone loves you. Wait until you feel safe. But don't wait until you have vowed for better or worse. Because worse could happen. It really, really could.
What a great interview! I had never really understood the decision to wait until marriage; it was never an option for me, but I could totally relate to this because of your honesty and humour. I really appreciate your openness, and I wish you the very best!
I have a similar story, but I was a bit younger and the roles were reversed. I was with a girl for 3 years and we hadn't been past second base. I was 17 and I respected her wish to wait. On our 3 year anniversary, however, I walked in on her and a girl while trying to surprise her with a trip i had bought for us. There is definitely a LOT you learn from intimacy, and a lot that can be hidden without it. I had planned to propose during this trip, and obviously that wasn't going to happen anymore. But, if I had, we may very well be unhappily married right now. Since then I have become sexually active (because of the "chastity gets you screwed" argument), and I have much healthier relationships with partners, and also know how to please a woman (something i may have never learned). I guess for some, chastity could be a good thing, but know that it has its own associated risks. If you're willing to risk it, just remember that people are good liars.
You know out of all the comments I've read, I relate to yours a lot more because it makes the most sense. Its all well and good to wait but some crazy things can manifest itself after. I'm a Christian and have waited but I've been doing a lot of research and asking a lot of questions and realize that I'm not sure waiting is such a good idea because of the depravity that may be revealed after. For instance, for me ANAL is a complete no no, that's not the end I want involved in sex but I may not know this until after I've been sexually active with my intended. Also, I need to know that we are compatible. I feel that we are but at the same time people are good liars and people don't always know. I also want to have sex but I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't know what they are doing so I don't mind if my intended has had multiple partners as long as he has gotten over them psychologically and sexually etc. I feel it would also be difficult for me to cheat on him because I don't have anyone to compare him to. I dated a guy with a huge penis once and I believed that from watching Sex n the City and others that it may have resulted in me being unsatisfied with my future husband so I steered clear from intercourse with him. All the stories about first time sex seems very disheartening, to those who haven't had sex yet, I pray it goes well for you. I guess this means I'm a liberal Christian? My fellow believers will say there's no such thing. All I can say is, its tough, do your research, talk to your elders at church, parents, girlfriends, you'll be surprised what everyone else is struggling with. I thank God that no one has taken away my choice (rape) and pray for all of you who have had that choice taken away from them. Bless you all believers, non-believers, atheists and the like. Its not an easy decision for anyone. To abstain or not to, that is the question du jour!
Thank you so much for this interview. I was raised in a pretty traditional Christian upbringing, but my mom has always been very open about sexuality. As I got older, she, herself, told me she didn't want me to wait, but to feel good about whatever decision I made. I went to a private Christian school, and I was one of 3 girls in the Jr. high who did not take part in the "Purity Ceremony". (About 150 girls in our JH). I didn't make the decision to wait until marriage, but to wait until I was ready…and at 25, I am still a virgin. I have dated, but have only had 2 serious boyfriends, both of which were committed themselves to waiting until marriage. (I think I found the last 2 20-something year old virgins in CA!) It has been really great to read all of the responses and see how other young women think on this subject. Kudos to all!
We have to stop making people, especially women, feel guilty about being sexual, for masturbating, and for having sex. We should not be valued on whether we have sex or not and who we have it with. What consenting adults do behind closed doors is their business.
Sex education is a life long coarse. We should be teaching young people about safe sex and healthy relationships. Teaching abstinence only in schools and hoping all parents give correct information doesn't work.
We both waited until marriage for the actual sex – and now sex after 20 great years is wonderful and keeps getting better. Of course we have our ups and downs like I am sure everyone does, but no comparing to past conquests, no concerns of infidelity. God created it good for a reason, save it, keep it special. It is worth the wait and worth working together to get it right
I was raised as a roman catholic and attended separate catholic schools until my final year in high school. I mirror the authors feelings about questioning my normality because of how focused I was on sex as a teenage girl. Since I was a girl and attending catholic school I became frustrated and disillusioned with my sexuality and how it opposed god's idea of a "good girl." I had sex for the first time when I was 15. It was nothing special, but I felt horribly guilty and worthless. It took years for me to realize that religion was wrong not me. My sexuality was oppressed and demonized by religion and when I walked away from god I found myself. I have had numerous partners (both male and female) and currently have a fascinating, adventurous and satisfying sex life with my life partner. My partner (ex-muslim) and I both agree that religion damaged our concepts of self and it wasn't until we renounced our religions that we were able to fully express our identities.
It took you walking away from God to find yourself? That's because faith is bloody difficult and you basically walked to the devil because the devil makes things easy. This is not judging you or cursing you out, I'm just stating that the devil makes things easy, he tells you, away with your pressures about killing yourself, stealing, do it, it feels good but Jesus came and died for us and that was bloody freaking hard. No one said it would be easy. We have to go on our knees everyday (I don't but I really should cuz the devil lies in wait for loopholes) and ask God for the strength to keep going. Good luck and I pray you find God again. He'll forgive you for all and embrace you. He understands the flesh is weak but the mind willing.
I never had any moral qualms related to sex, and I'm glad I wasn't raised to believe it was evil because I remember having sexual urges as young as 4 years old. No kidding.
I didn't wait for marriage, since it's kind of presumptuous to assume I'd be married in the first place… But I had different issue with sex, too. Namely, I was terrified of it. I had family members who'd gotten pregnant at the age of 14 (I was 10 at the time), and from that exact moment, every day I was given bleak warnings about what would happen to me if I was seen with a boy. Warnings about what would happen to that boy. Spies were put into place to ensure that I was not getting into "trouble". I wasn't allowed to leave the house at night or attend high school dances.
I think I was 20 (and living far away from my parents lol) when I finally found my first (and since then, only) REAL boyfriend. But I'm still afraid of sex most of the time simply because babies are on the Do Not Want list.
But I never considered sex itself to be evil or terrible or awkward at all. Maybe I just found myself a good partner?
I was taught to wait until marriage. But when I'd been with my boyfriend for two years, this rule ceased to make sense. We were very close emotionally – what we shared with each other was actually more intimate, both of us felt, than the sex when we finally had it. To me it seems like such an arbitrary rule … you might as well instruct couples not to tell each other their deepest secrets before marriage. Shouldn't you know these things, if you're planning to spend eternity together?
My boyfriend and I broke up after five years, but I have no regrets that we were sexual partners as well as life partners while we were figuring each other out.
I feel very much this way. I waited until I was married to have sex – the result was devastating and ultimately ended in divorce. I struggled with finding sex enjoyable during my marriage with my child's father. There were moments that were great but mostly it was a huge chore for me. In part because his sexual desire and needs were far greater than mine. He shamed and guilted me into having sex when I didn't have any desire. This negativity only increased my lack of desire, destroyed my self-esteem, and made me feel like a mediocre woman and wife. This became the foundation for increased fights and tension between the two of us. We didn't get along much to begin with, but the sex issue magnified it significantly. I was too blindly in love to recognize that the arguing was unhealthy and didn't mean we were fighting for each others. When I was pregnant with our lovely daughter, I was blamed for "lieing" to him about me having been on birth control (He knew I hadn't been on it in over a year) and that I was ruining his potential by my irresponsibility (I even got this schpeall for an hour returning home with our sweet newborn in the backseat, in which all I did was cry). My whole pregnancy was miserable and my desire for sex completely fell off the map. After a child is born you are forbidden from having sex for quite some time for your body to heal. Because he felt so "neglected" without my knowledge he had a one night stand with some random girl, while his one month old and I were visiting my parents. Though I still didn't know about the betrayal our marriage quickly declined. I began confiding in my boss about my troubles at home and that blossomed into an unhealthy emotional relationship where I began having frequent sexual fantasies about him. I had never had such fantasies and they made me feel very guilty and excited. I began wanting him so badly and wanting out of my HORRIFIC marriage so badly. I used him as the excuse to get out. Of course, my religious beliefs and crazy religious nuts for in-laws made me feel inferior for wanting to listen to my gut! GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE. I stuck it out for some time then his affair came to the surface. Mine had only been emotional, and never physical. I had been led to believe that SEX=Marriage. When sex happens you are married. So in my mind it was the same as him marrying someone else. Extremely devastating for me and took a long time to heal from. When I finally decided to end the marriage because it was something I simply could not forgive, I went on my own personal sexcapade. I had a few low moments but mostly I learned a lot about myself, what I needed, wanted and what works for me in a relationship. I've been remarried for almost two years and we decided to get married only after 4 months of dating. I knew it was different and "premarital sex" let me know we could work! We have a lovely little girl on the way and we are happier than I ever could have imagined. Sex is not bad like I was taught in church. Those in church are frightened about the consequences of irresponsible sex and don't want their innocent little girls to become women. Having girls of my own, I get it to a degree, but having experienced what I did makes me want to teach them about choosing sex as a form of responsible intimacy and to not give it away haphazardly. But for sex to be all bad, just creates a whole new set of emotional issues.
Please, don't ever drag your girls into this pit called premarital sex. Abstinence was never the issue, but the bad attitude of your husband. I never heard anyone regretting being virgin at their wedding night but fools.
There's nothing wrong with premarital sex. I know lots of people who regret waiting. Anon is just a self-righteous zealot and should be ignored. Raise your children the way you see fit.
I am currently 20 years old and in college. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years now. (First boyfriend ever.) Our "fooling around" has been a very slow progression. I was with him an entire year before he actually got to see what my figure looked like (In a very form fitting dress). From then on, our sexuality with each other was made in steps, not because we talked about it, but because it just happened that way. Now 2 1/2 years later, he's seen every bit of my body, as I have him, and he loves me unconditionally. Now, we're waiting until we're married. My boyfriend is a virgin like me too. Like the author mentioned, I have had moments where I say "Screw this! Let's do this." But, every single time, he stops me, and reminds me that the next day, I won't be so happy about my decision…which is true, I wouldn't be. I think a lot of it also has to do with communication with couples. Sure, in the beginning it's quite awkward to voice what you like and don't like, but looking back on it, I'm SO glad I got to talk to my boyfriend about things like that, 1. It brought us closer. 2. There is no mystery. I do feel for the women who waited and were disappointed with their first time, or other times after that. I really hope that doesn't happen to me. (If later on, I marry my current boyfriend) But I'm pretty confident it won't. I am also very close to my father, and we talk about subjects like this all the time. Unfortunately, my mother is a completely different story. I've grown up Catholic, and of course, like the author, I can definitely relate to the forbidden and guilty feeling of having sexual desires. Now that I've gotten much older, having father who is willing to talk to me about it, has helped a ton. Also, every girl I've ever talked to whom had sex either too early in their teenage years, or before marriage has told me they regretted it. And any time I mention I'm still a virgin they praise me to no end, and tell me to stay that way until I'm married.
Congratulations! Don't give up, never. Treasure your virginity and from now on don't put yourselves in tempting conditions. God forbid but if temptation happen run like Joseph and never look back.
Your boyfriend is gay. I would re-read the story and see if you can relate.
Have you ever met her boyfriend? I assume not. Perhaps he is merely a mature young man who respects and understands his partner enough to put her wishes before his own.
If a man doesn't think with his penis 24/7 but thoughtfully considers a decision that he knows his partner would regret later, that doesn't make him gay.
It sounds as if you haven't been lucky enough yet to experience what it's like to be in a relationship that is centred on putting the other person's wishes before your own. And I promise you, when a man treats you like that there is nothing "gay" about it! (By this I don't mean that this can't be in a gay relationship, but that it doesn't mean your boyfriend isn't attracted to you as a woman.)
Im waiting till i'm married, im only 17 and im still with my first boyfriend, but he knows already. It has nothing to do with religion, though i do feel a little conditioned into thinking that only slutty girls have sex. The difference with me however, is that im honest about it, i'll tell my friends or my boyfriend that im a sexual person, me and my boyfriend have done other activities such as groping and blowjobs, but that's only if im completely comfortable. He's been very sweet and caring towards me, but mind you we've like each other for 3 years before but never did anything because I wasn't allowed to date. I think the difference about me and M. is that i see nothing wrong with wanting sex or telling people what I think, and that im comfortable in my own body and knowing my urges, the internet helps a lot too, and finding out what other people do and their opinions helps, i know a few friends who are starting to explore, and their experiences dont sounds very good, so Im thankful for my boyfriend, and his understanding, we still do stuff, but mainly to him since it makes us both happy, and I can tell that he's definitely NOT gay 🙂
Don't condone sin, these other activities are a no no good. Marry, leave the guy or correct your behavior. Don't buy into the lie of premarital moral dehiscence.
Ignore Anon. He/she is a religious nut and will have you miserable if you listen.
I am 17 and have grown up in a household where talking about sex is taboo, and everything pertaining to it is "icky" or "bad". I have always thought that the one thing i am doing correctly in life is waiting to have sex until i am married. I constantly find myself wanting to hear the other side of the story though. I have no desire to have sex with more than one man, but i am starting to question whether or not waiting until marriage is the best option for me and my future relationships. My biggest fear is losing my virginity to a guy and then it ending up not working out. Because of my parents dry relationship (many factors considered, i can gaurentee there is no longer sex. I hardly believe they are in love, and they act more like two people who happen to have kids and live together than two people who are in love) i am struggling with this decision of sex before or after marriage. I am worried that when i get married, sex wont be all its cracked up to be after 20+ years of waiting. Im not necessarily going to say that i will have sex before marriage, but i am wondering if it would be a better idea to be open to sex if the right guy comes along and we both want to be together forever.
Waiting until marriage is the best decision ever. Don't be fooled by your parents' relationship. It all depends on the choice of a partner not the sex. Voddie Baucham is a family counselor, look for his vids about relationships and marriage on you tube. Good luck
Waiting until marriage is one of several good decisions. Do what you feel comfortable with for you, not for your parents, not for a man, and not for someone on the internet. Definitely ignore self-righteous people on the internet that present one option only like they are Christ-reincarnated. Follow your spirit/intuition, and it will not lead you wrong. Be blessed.
My Name is Harlie. and the reason i say my name is because im not ashamed to talk about these kinds of things. i just have no one to talk to and give me advice about it. I also like alot of you have done everything but actual vaginal sex. and do i feel guilty about it. YES! sometimes i wish i would have never started anything. but when you're in the mood. you just don't care. And the people that i do talk about it with they tell me to just do it. but there is something about my Christianity that i cant over come. I feel like God wont accept me if i do, do it. or if im going to give it up to someone im not going to marry then what special thing will i give my husband when i do get married. I am honestly terrified of sex with all the stories i hear. and i just need some advice please! anyone to talk to me about it i would be so happy!
Please feel free to message me on my tumblr. so we can talk! ( falllightning.tumblr.com )
I have totally been there. You don't even know how much comfort it brings me to know that there are other people out there who feel the same way I do. I had sex with my first boyfriend when I was 17 and it was devastating. After that I completely swore off men and became a very strong Christian. I recently started dating a guy I really genuinely love. He doesn't share my view of waiting until marraige, but I have told him that that is what I want and that I won't be ready for a long time. He says he will wait for me because he loves me. and yeah we have done "other" things that aren't sex. But I'm starting to question my faith and even though I know it will be a few years before I am ready, maybe once we have been committed to each other for that long…(if it lasts that long) I will be ok. I also just really want to graduate college before being sexually active since I'm not really ready for the responsibility of using birth control and I don't want to have to worry about pregnancy. Each person is different and I feel great knowing its not abnormal to want to wait. TV and movies are very unrealistic about the realities of sex. Thanks so much to everyone who posted on this! Its helped me so much!
http://waitingtillmarriage.org/the-top-10-awesome-benefits-of-waiting-until-marriage/
read this! The whole site is amazing!
I am waiting!
I am a Christian who did not wait until marriage to have sex. I did wait until I was 25, but even before that I had messed around with boyfriends for years. I was always a very sexual girl and just had a hard time controlling myself. I lived with guilt so much. Finally when I did have sex, I realized why God made it for marriage . For me, when I have sex I give so much of myself on such a deep level to that person. It was awesome and amazing…like it should be. But when we broke up it was devastating. I felt irrevocably connected to him(like you're suppose to feel after sex). I guess if you wanna be able to have sex on a lesser level where you don't give yourself as much you can, but it's not nearly as awesome. Personally I feel way sexier when I'm holding it in waiting for that special time, where I know the bond won't be so easily broken by just breaking up. I have a really healthy attitude toward sex though I'm abstaining for now. I can't wait. Now that I understand how powerful it is for me, I respect it like fire. I had to get burned to respect it, and it hurt deeply. But we can be made new. It just takes time to heal. Thank you God for such an amazing gift.
How sad that Christianity is still so very sex negative. Believe it or not, sex CAN be taught in a sex positive manner to kids, with an emphasis on building relationship skills, holy intentionality, accurate information about sexual desire, and (dare I say?) positive use of masturbation and sexual fantasy, along with heavy doses of FORGIVENESS, for we have ALL fallen short. For those freaking out about masturbation and fantasy, remember that God created your sexual desire and sexual thoughts and fantasies as good and holy in preparation for marriage. Now, I know some are thinking: 'lust,! lust! adultry!' This approach is the root of the problems cited above; seeing a beautiful person, thinking about sex and getting aroused to the point that you want to have an orgasm is not a sin, it's the way God made you. Of course, if the attitude is depersonalizing, using, and selfish, sin then enters the equation. Talk about SIN, the OP's story demonstrates the incredible sinfulness of a church that failed those tow young folks, setting them both up for misery and pain.
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No waiting
This woman does not represent all virgins. I feel the need to state this, because I am a virgin and EVERY time blogs discuss the whole "waiting till marriage" deal, it always involves a female virgin who was raised in sexual ignorance in a repressive religious home, and felt guilt and shame for her desires. It perpetuates the stereotype that a religious virgin is sexually ignorant, repressed, and constantly thinks about sin.
As a religious virgin who has met MANY women like myself, I would like to dispel that stereotype.
I'm a 25-year old Indian-American woman, educated and employed in a white-collar profession in a major city. I was also raised to believe that "a lady waits till marriage", but it was never a huge deal that we talked about. Words like sin, shame and guilt never entered into my thought processes. I was a little different from girls my age and I didn't want to date anyone in high school, because I was happy to wait for an arranged marriage.
Meanwhile, I had an extremely, insanely high sex drive. I told my mother about it and she asked me if I wanted a boyfriend. I knew she would give me permission if I insisted (and I was raised in a very traditional, upper-middle-class Indian family), but I independently chose not to date anyone. I knew, even at that age, that for me personally, good sex was deeply linked to the emotional security of everlasting love. I also accepted that other girls did not equate sex and love. My friends had very different sexual habits, and I accepted them.
And although I chose to wait, I did not actual repress and neglect my sexual needs. I've been an expert at masturbation since I was 12 years old and not one. single. day. have I ever felt guilty about it. And nobody who knew would make me feel guilty about it either. Last year I told my mom that I masturbated twice a day, and she was happy for me. My parents have never denied that sexual desire is healthy, they just believe both men and women should only have sex with their ultimate partners.
I defy anyone to find a more dedicated feminist than I am. I'm outgoing, extremely confident, have self-respect spilling out of my ears and am very, very professionally successful. I also know what I like sexually, thanks to years of porn and masturbation. I have friends, and I am probably going to get married this year as the arranged marriage circuit has thrown up some grooms that I'm interested in. I fully intend to have a serious talk about sex with any future fiance to make sure that we are compatible.
And there are more women like me than you'd think. Virgins in their 20's who are politically liberal, socially well-adjusted, sexually educated and aware, and too comfortable with themselves to worry about sin and guilt. So don't put us all in the same box.
just because someone waits for marriage doesn't mean they are asexual, nor does it mean they are gay.
That is their lie to make people uncomfortable and push them into premarital sex, the biggest misery on earth.
Hey everyone. I'm a Christian and I very much believe in God but it feels like…I don't want to say it because the title does sound terrible…but it feels like my girlfriend is a "Jesus freak". I even feel bad saying that. (sigh). We've known each other for a year and have been boyfriend and girlfriend for 8 months and had sex about 8 times. When we first met she said she wants to practice abstinence because of the whole "Christian" thing and I respect that. After a month or two, after making out one night we had sex. I enjoyed it, she said she enjoyed it…but like a week later she had this huge guilt cloud over her…I don't understand. Then like a month or two later on we end up having sex again. Sometimes she'll start crying afterwards because she feels guilty and stuff. This makes me feel bad as well because I feel like she thinks I don't respect her "lifestyle" of abstinence. This current day she sounds serious about not having sex until marriage but what about my needs. I've offered we do the 69 position because I don't mind pleasing my woman but she refuses that as well. I'm seriously frustrated. I honestly don't believe this is fair to me. We're in a relationship so shouldn't there be some sort of compromise. I'm pretty sure everyone reading this can tell I've had this on my mind for a while and I'm venting out right now but (sigh). Thank you everyone that took time to read this short essay of my love life. Can anyone give me tips or ideas we can do before marriage or what I can say to her. Please help.
Hey. Its not your fault, nor hers. It's human nature to be tempted and if you're serious about abstaining then I recommend you don't put yourself into any temptation where things could happen. I know what it feels like to be consumed by guilt because you've crossed a line, but I've never been angry at my boyfriend, just angry at myself. I know that you have needs, but sometimes you've got to weigh up the massive debt that was paid so that you could live and the spur of the moment burst of temptation. Personally, I'm trying to save it until I'm married to the person God has set aside for me, but I'm not naive or idealistic; I know it will be difficult. I know it sounds harsh to say that you shouldn't put yourself in a situation where you could be tempted, but we're all tempted; nobody is immune (even Jesus was!). This means that I think that you shouldn't do anything that could border on sexual, but if you do, tell her not to feel guilty. As humans we're imperfect and we fall down sometimes. I once heard a speaker say that its the devil that makes you feel guilty, not God. God has already forgiven you. Just think of how amazing and special your wedding night will be.
Honestly this is a very selfish post. If your girlfriend decides she doesn't want to have sex, that should be the end of the conversation. It's her body and she has every right to say no at any time. If this is an issue for you, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. I find a lot of your phrases problematic, such as, "But what about my needs?" and "we're in a relationship so shouldn't there be some sort of compromise?" The answer to those questions are 1. Masturbate. and 2. No, she should not comprise her morals because you want to get off. Period.
You are very selfish and dishonest. You knew she wanted to abstain but had no problem setting the scene for sex. This girl will do better without you, you started her pain journey already. You don't love her, premarital sex is pure lust. Contrary to general belief no guy who genuinely love the girl will ever touch her before marriage, let alone claiming to be a Christian. She isn't lucky to have you at all. May God bless her broken heart.
The previous responders are a little disturbed so please forgive them. It's perfectly normal to want to have sex with the person you love. That doesn't make you a bad person. That being said, your wants and her wants are not corresponding right now. Your best options are to either accept she doesn't want to have sex before marriage and respect that, walk away from this relationship, or marry her. To be honest, with the sexual hangups she has, I would advise walking away. If she has it in this area, she's going to have it in 1001 other areas. It's not worth the drama.
I have some mixed feelings about my sexual experiences. I'm a sexually active unmarried 19 year old, and I lost my virginity at barely 15 to a guy two years older than me. It was a fine relationship but I lost my virginity to him just 3 weeks after we started dating, and let me tell you: not once in over a year did he make me orgasm. And that makes sense! Because I was still so young and so was he! How were we to know that most women don't have strictly vaginal orgasms, or about the clitoris, anal stimulation, how to properly have digital sex, etc. He didn't pressure me at all, but because of all the older people in my life having sex, I felt pressured by my environment. Oh yeah, and the first time sucked. Not only did I have the classic "That's it? That's sex?" reaction, but he got a foot cramp halfway through and didn't finish.
I had a couple more sexual encounters after we broke up but both were horrible, and then I started dating my current boyfriend. The first sexual thing in our relationship was him giving me oral sex and I had my first orgasm from a partner. Our sex is amazing and beautiful, not only because we're both experienced, informed adults, but because we love each other very much.
I will ask this, based on what I've heard about other girls' first times, why would you want to wait until marriage to have sex? This isn't to be condescending, I'm genuinely curious. I just feel like sex gets better with experience and I wouldn't want to say, "That's it? That's sex?" on my wedding night.
I totally agree with you. I know a bunch of people that waited till marriage and ended up not enjoying sex. They both lacked the experience and both were disappointed after. I say if you two love each other then experience each other. I don't see the big deal with waiting. 1.People in the past waited till marriage because they got married younger(19/20years old) There wasn't that much stress on "waiting till you're married" because soon as you're an adult(20years old) you were either engaged or married anyway. 2.Sex helps the relationship(intimacy/lack of stress). People are getting married at older ages because times have changed. The economy sucks and people are trying to get their careers started and established. People are basically saying "wait till you're in your mid 30s to get married and then have sex" where statistics say a male begins to lose their testosterone late 30s, early 40s…With that said the man may not even be that sexually thrilled because of "nature"……and risk cheating on their significant other because they now feel what sex feels like and would like to try it with other people. Think about it. After you have sex for the first time you're going to want it more and more. How is that going to settle with your partner huh? Do you really think your husband/wife is going to ALWAYS want to have sex after you both have sex that 1st time? Lets be real man. I'm a realist. Maybe someone else can give you a valid reason to wait till marriage because I sure can't. Have a good one
-Peace & Love
I totally agree with you. I know a bunch of people that waited till marriage and ended up not enjoying sex. They both lacked the experience and both were disappointed after. I say if you two love each other then experience each other. I don't see the big deal with waiting. 1.People in the past waited till marriage because they got married younger(19/20years old) There wasn't that much stress on "waiting till you're married" because soon as you're an adult(20years old) you were either engaged or married anyway. 2.Sex helps the relationship(intimacy/lack of stress). People are getting married at older ages because times have changed. The economy sucks and people are trying to get their careers started and established. People are basically saying "wait till you're in your mid 30s to get married and then have sex" where statistics say a male begins to lose their testosterone late 30s, early 40s…With that said the man may not even be that sexually thrilled because of "nature"……and risk cheating on their significant other because they now feel what sex feels like and would like to try it with other people. Think about it. After you have sex for the first time you're going to want it more and more. How is that going to settle with your partner huh? Do you really think your husband/wife is going to ALWAYS want to have sex after you both have sex that 1st time? Lets be real man. I'm a realist. Maybe someone else can give you a valid reason to wait till marriage because I sure can't. Have a good one
-Peace & Love
yes,
Dear All,
if you can not understand the logic behind waiting for that till marriage, let me tell you a few things, after these simple questions:
1. If you feel screwed up after your marriage fails, how do you feel when your relationship is screwed up
2. when in relationship you come to know such issues like the guy is not straight, how do you handle that
3. while being in relationship if a guy says that what he wants from you is what he already is getting, so no need to get into marriage, how awkward does that feel
4. How do we check if the tap is of boiled water or of cold water, by giving our hand under the water? No
In my opinion its ok to wait till you get married but marry earlier. Alone you can not manage to find a right guy, so find him with the help of your friends and family (this might resolve the issues of him being non-straight or else)
Girls, doing all the sexual acts other than intercourse COME under sex and are actually the starting point (only), so you were actually disturbing yourself by starting the activity and not concluding it, that's why you were mentally disturbed. Girls if you really wish to wait, wait in full (for God) and he will give you a reward (in full)
There is just one difference between animals and human beings, we think and decide about our actions, while they are guided by instincts (no decision making).
Waiting till marriage is the best way to think and decide about your life partner, get married early, if you are urged by desires but wait in full. While deciding about partner take help.
Wait in full (for God) and he will give you a reward (in full. God bless you richly also
In my opinion the only way waiting until marriage turns out good is if it has nothing to do with godreligion. I'm telling you that waiting until marriage is only beneficial if its for personal reasons instead of religious ones. Because ultimately it is a personal thing. Your relationship with a boy shouldn't have anything to do with your relationship with God. When girls wait until marriage for religious purposes things often end pretty badly and you cant tell me that's pure coincidence. I'm not a religious person. Don't even remember the last time I even stepped foot in a church but I'm gonna guess it was some time in 2004 for a funeral. I don't sit at home reading the Bible and I don't have rosaries hanging around my house. However I am waiting because I PERSONALLY don't want more than one sexual partner in my life. I'm waiting until I'm engaged because that way I have the comfort of knowing it's all but permanent without having the burden of ruining my wedding night by being in pain or disappointed. So you see ladies abstaining shouldn't be about waiting until your married in the biblical sense purely for the kick of it, it should be about waiting because your body is special and you don't want to be putting it through the ringer like a piece of clothing that's turned into rag from being tossed in the washing machine too many times
!!!You want people to reject God's perspective & start buying into yours, don't be such a hypocrite. Everyone, wait until you get married don't listen to nonsense in the name of logic. God created sex & He put the rules. Plus I don't agree with rosaries, it's human invention.
um. i don't mean to be a jerk or anything, but please don't use the word "logic" when u r talking about religion. There is a sad lack of proof and plenty that proves the absence of logic in various religions and in the existence of god. this is about faith, not logic. If someone does choose to believe it is their choice and they believe what they want. also please don't throw around word such as hypocrite, especially if u don't know what they mean.
PS: stop filling the internet with useless projections of your (purely from my perspective) BS.
Last month just before my anniversary I discovered my wife has been having an affair. After trying to talk to her about it she moved me out of the house and moved this guy in. On our anniversary no less. She says she loves him and wants to marry him. Says he is so amazing and she has a connection with him shes never felt before. They have been seeing each other now for 3 months and he has lived in our home for the last month. I've found out my wife has had several affairs in the last year. She says she wants a divorce and doesn't want to even try. I truly love my wife and i want her and my kids back. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to win her back. In the last week I was able.to be intimate with my wife once but 10 mins into it she started crying and said she doesnt want to hurt people.i meant an old friend of mine who introduce me to great zuba,he is a great spell caster he was the only one who help me bring back my wife and now i am living with my family and we are all happy again all thanks to great zuba.for those of you who are passing through the same hell with your relationship contact [email protected] and win back your lover.
I actually think that we should do wat you feel is right for uaself and you should be able to live with yourself and stop making others seem better than others .I actualy believe following statistics is nt so advisable coz we r talking about different people ,different environment and very different upbringing so if you wants to wait or not good for you just ensure you are happy
I like the honesty of the post, but I don't believe sex before marriage would have been revelation, her ex husband was dishonest and did not COMMUNICATE with her his real feelings. Hiding his feelings led to divorce not the revealing of his lack if sex with her. I do believe that you should wait to have sex before marriage. I did not wait and I unfortunately fell into a life of sexual and porn addiction that I hid for so long because the tactic of the devil to make you feel ashamed and guilty. I believe this is what God was trying to protect us from. Also at an early age my hidden sins opened the door to me getting an curable std, and also being raped bc I allowed a stranger into my life thinking we were just friends. I realized my curosity got the best of me sadly, but I thank God for sending a savior Jesus to die for all of our sins bc in finally getting the courage to confess all that I went through, I not only bc changed mind body and spirit, but I also had revelation that the reason that sex is saved for marriage is for his protection of his children. You can say oh my marriage ended in divorce but that has more to do with communication then sex. I also understand that many ppl have never been through what i went through and they were happily married, but what if I was your child one day or even today…as a parent I hope you would stress the importance of waiting till marriage bc you want the best for them. Last, I hope that everyone reading this will seek help our soak to your kids about sexual desires and tell them that it's was created for good not bad but please soakto them first before the schools, or some random boy or girl speaks to them first. Be the loudest voice of reason for your children with God leading and guiding you asking the way, and don't condemn them when they do sin but show lovee and explain right to them.
After reading all of these comments and the story I believe that it would be best to wait til marriage. I am 18 and a guy (not many around here it seems lol) and I have been with this one girl for about 3 months now and we have been stuck on both of our beliefs on this. I would like to say that whatever anyone chooses is fine and everyone should respect eachother's choices unless they are of neglegence (like: "I will have sex all I want because its fun!") But me and my partner have already done a lot of "stuff" leading up to sex and so far I am glad we did because it seems like when it comes to marriage there are problems with both waiting fully until marriage, and not waiting at all. Thats why I believe there should be a balance. A relationship does consist of a strong sexual connection and we cannot just ignore that. A healthy relationship is a balance of Honesty, Understanding and Care along with Sexual Attraction and Physical Intimacy. That's what I believe
Hi,
I am one of those girls who want to not have sex before marriage and failed. Everyone's experience is different and thus you might think it is better to have sex before marriage. Yet, there are stories like mine where I did have sex before marriage and it didnt lead me to a happy marriage either. All I have is regret that I was so blind and I wish I was strong enough to refuse my ex's persuasion.
I agree that it is church's and families' flaws to think that a girl should not even have sexual desire, and you made a good point at that. Just like you and many other girls, I have been struggling and feeling guilty for having that desire. Let's do better when we have children so they wont struggle as much as we do.
I dont think you should regret that you didnt know earlier that he is a gay. He was not honest with you and shamely lead you on for his own reason. However just like with any guy, honesty is a big issue and even with a straight guy, they might not be honest to you for some things that might be even worse. Shame to these guys, and I guess there is not much you can do to see their lies.
Good luck and hope you are happy now with your new partner.
The amount of ignorance in some of these comments is truly astonishing and deeply saddening. Obviously whether a marriage fails or succeeds is NO WHERE NEAR solely based on the time you choose to have sex. I am a christian..and as one i have learned and embraced that every single person sins and not one single person should judge another. Those who are confused about what to do please stop worrying about other's perspectives. DO YOUR RESEARCH…study god's word study the science evaluate your state of being and if you feel pre marital sex is one of the sins you cannot live with than don't. If you feel otherwise…follow your heart. BUT PLEASE actually put in the work. Most problems on this page happened when a person did not put in enough effort to find out what they needed. Instead they listened to others. But others cannot tell you about what you need. Listen to them and take out what you need for yourself. All the rest is what makes everyone's life unique. I am 16 and have had two sex partners the second one I am currently with. My mother always says she doesn't think it's a good idea to wait until marriage. She was also never conservative..if you're old enough to ask you're old enough to know. I am currently a student at one of the most prestigous art high schools in America with a 3.6 gpa, a healthy relationship with family, friends, and the lord, emotional stability, love and hapiness. Did sex ruin my life HELL NO…why? b/c no sin is greater than the other and blasphemy of the holy spirit is the only unforgivable one. my current bf is a prechers kid and has had many sexual partners. Who cares!? the lord is the only one you should be concerned about and the lord is not holding any grudges. My philosophy on life is hapiness. Whatever makes you happy…do it. But don't be ignorant in any way about your decision. The only thing you should not know aboout going in is THE ACTUAL EXPERIENCE….and all those people putting a worth on your virginity like once it's gone your juss a piece of crap now..probably never did there research and are miserable and only want to drag you down. DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE….DO WHAT'S RIGHT! (and only you can determine what's right for you)
Fascinating topic!
I was raised in a very religious family, and had every intention of being abstinent until I got married, but I drifted away from the Catholic church during college, and gradually shifted my perspective. I still didn't want to throw my virginity away, but getting married was no longer "the turning point." I decided I'd have sex when I knew I'd never regret it, and that happened after a little more than a year of being with my first (serious) boyfriend. We ended up getting married, so he's the only person I've ever been with, which I'm grateful for…but I still believe it was the right decision, even if things had worked out a different way. I know it would have been a more painful break up, but I think it would have been worth it anyway.
While I'm a Christian, I believe that in life you can choose whether to have sex before marriage or not. I'm not going to judge you if you do or if you don't. I will simply love you not for what you have done, but for you. For me, personally, I have chosen to remain pure until I am married. I believe that we all have this "dream" inside of us at one point in our lives as women to have our prince sweep us away on his steed and ride off into the sunset! While experiences in life dampen that dream, I still believe in that dream. That there's one guy out there that is going to "sweep me away"! *sigh* I think so often in our society people settle. I see it all the time. It's not something radical, amazing, awesome, heavenly, dreamy, cute, beautiful, pure-it's, well, kind of boring and lifeless and just okay. Just enough to satisfy the physical needs. But is that REALLY what being in a relationship's about? Why are you in a relationship? To find a person your compatible with? To meet new people? To find the person you hope to end up marrying? I believe that people get into relationships for a lot of reasons-a lot of bad reasons. One of those reasons, I think is because we are so impatient for love to happen that we convince ourselves of something that totally false and we settle for something less than what is REAL and something less than we deserve. But once the physical aspect of the relationship is gone-what is there? Love? That's not what I find when analyzing a lot of relationships I see today. Love is quite the overwhelming feeling if you haven't felt it before. It makes your heart beat SUPER-DE-DUPER fast and you get butterflies in your stomach. You think about that person almost every second of the day and you absolutely can't live without them. You look past their flaws and bad experiences because all you see is their heart-pure as gold. You want to spend the rest of your days with them otherwise life would be lived as boring and robotic. You want to be as close to them as you can, but you don't want to hurt them. Hurting them would be hurting you. Your heart is so vulnerable, but you continue to put it out on the line because you love them. You are that person’s friend, but you are also their love. So be fragile with the words ,”I love you.”
When Katie told me this story, she started to cry. Katie was not only raped as a child, but when Katie was sixteen years old, she had her first sex experience. It was with her first serious relationship of about a year. She regretted it. It made her feel dirty and shameful. After three episodes of sex with this boyfriend, Katie put a stop to it and broke up with her boyfriend and decided to never have sex until she was married. Katie later found out that she had received a STD which affected her ability to have children. It is a miracle that I’m here today telling this story.
We are very committed Christians who married in our mid twenties and had no sexually experience before our wedding night because we wanted to be obedient God. We were both very sexually excited for the year we were engaged and we kissed a lot but no hands inside clothes.
On our first night together we were both exhausted but believed we had to consummate our vows before we slept and I really wish that we had waited until the next day.
With the wisdom of hindsight I still believe that it is a blessing that we have only had each other and we will encourage our children in this. But I won't be pressuring them to wait until they are married to the person they love.
I was brought up in a Christian home by a single mom, I firmly believed to only have sex after marriage until at 16 I met a much older boy who coaxed me into having sex with him-I've condemned myself ever since for giving up my virginity at an early age & disappointing God. I never had sex for years after we broke up. Now 22 I met a wonderful guy & we had sex now I can't stop sobbing because I am ambivalent to 'sex' I don't know what to do. I feel so condemned, but I don't want to put my current boyfriend through all this emotional turmoil.
I really think that a lot of the literal teachings in the bible no longer really apply to society today. I applaud the christians who abide by their faith but not every word in the bible.
Firstly, the bible is translated so it's really not the exact "words of God".
Secondly, people back when Jesus was alive did not live as long as we do today. They marry much earlier than people do today. Back then if you FALL IN LOVE with someone, eg your first or second really serious boyfriend these days, you pretty much get married to them. So I really think that the reason why the Bible tells people to abstain till marriage is to make sure that people are not hooking up randomly; this prevents many people from feeling regretful about the experience/ feeling used and also the problem of spreading STI/ STDs.
These are just a couple of reasons.
I think it's fine to have sex when you're in love and in a stable relationship.
I have been raised in a very religious setting my whole life and have always considered myself to be a Christian. Premarital sex was always a big no no and was honestly something I considered the greatest sin. I believed saving yourself until being in a committed Godly relationship was extremely important and very special. I ran youth group, volunteered and practically lived at my church throughout the majority of high school. However, now I am, what my younger self considered her own worst nightmare. I got into a relationship at the end of high school with a non Christian guy I had been putting off for almost a year. finally I couldn't say no to him anymore and agreed to go out with him. he was a good friend who I had very strong feelings for at this point. I laid out my beliefs before agreeing to date him so he knew how I felt about premarital sex/sexual touching. We started dating with me believing that this would be a fun summer romance with a really awesome guy. Well it was. The problem was summer was over and neither one of us felt like going anywhere. Now my feeling had only grown and I stated worrying about starting to fall for a non believer. I was happy but my family and friends kept saying they were worried about me, they didn't want me getting involved with him and then needing to break it off later. I tried to ignore them but it hurt that those closest to me couldn't just be happy for me. My boyfriend and I continued to date and eventually things started to happen that I wasn't prepared for. With us being raised so differently it was his understanding that a physical relationship was a way to demonstrate your love for someone and a way to make the person you love happy. he had had sex once before with another one of his girlfriend and some sexual touching with others before that but I was the most serious relationship he had ever had. his first real love. as his feelings grew so did his desire to love me physically. His promise to respect my wishes and my promise of purity to god began to be tainted as we slowly slid into the "everything else". I ended up feeling so guilt ridden and dirty that I hated myself, was ashamed, and even broke down crying in church. he promised to stop when he saw how hurt I was and felt awful. However temptation is a slippery slope and we kept slipping up and I kept piling on more and more guilt. Eventually we ended up having sex after a serious talk about the significance of such an act and how much it meant to me and to him. the problem was I loved him so much I wanted to do it for him so he would be happy that I had sex without being ready. CONTINUES BELOW …
CONTINUATION FROM ABOVE….
IT WAS AWEFUL! I to top it all off I was miserable after but didnt tell him for a few weeks that I was ashamed and upset and so sad that I had lost my virginity before I was ready. I didnt want to hurt him as I knew he only wanted it because he wanted to love me in the most wonderfully passionate way he knew. we tried to stop with the sex after that but it happened again and I broke up with him. I was awash with shame and felt like I had lost my once strong faith and I was terrified someone would find out and all of my friends and family would hate me. but we were miserable without each other and completely heartbroken. by this point we were in love, very close, and super committed . we ended up back together thinking we would wait till marriage this time but once you have stated down the sexual temptation trail its very hard to get back on the righteous path especially when your views are so different. even though I felt guilty I still ended up having sex with my boyfriend. I felt bad afterwards but in those moments it was wonderfully passionate and loving. we have been dating for almost a year since then with a fairly regular sex life. I love this man to eternity and back and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but now I feel so distant from my faith, I am the worst Christian ever. My very religious parents never were open about sex, they have a very poor relationship, no sex, no warmth, and I never seem to measure up to their hypocritically high standards and they don't even know about me not being a virgin! ive left home to get away from the unhealthy environment of constant negativity, have a job, have an amazing guy who loves me unconditionally and has been there for me through thick and thin and am feeling like the worst person on the planet. I feel so much shame and all I want is to be able to feel happy being happy with the man I love and plan to marry . I feel dirty and awful and am beside myself. I want to forget god exits but cant because he means too much to me, yet I haven't been much of a christian for the past few years…. am I ruining my life? have I already ruined it? why cant I just be happy with finding love and why cant people just be happy for me instead of constantly disapproving and saying "you're PERFECT for each other, EXCEPT you should really find a nice christian guy to settle down with" why does everything have to be so complicated? I need advice im so lost….
This is a interesting article but the woman being interviewed was not a virgin in my opinion. There is no gray area with virginity: you either are one or you are not. She said she had done everything except intercourse, which could mean anal sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation, etc. There is no such thing as a "technical" virgin. I think a virgin is someone who hasn't engaged in any sexual activity with another person, give or take a kiss or two.
This is a interesting article but the woman being interviewed was not a virgin in my opinion. There is no gray area with virginity: you either are one or you are not. She said she had done everything except intercourse, which could mean anal sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation, etc. There is no such thing as a "technical" virgin. I think a virgin is someone who hasn't engaged in any sexual activity with another person, give or take a kiss or two.
I'm a married woman living happily with three kids and a lovely husband.But wasn't always a bed full of roses for me.I was once married to a man before meeting my present husband.I was compelled to marry my ex husband because my family wanted me to marry a high society man like my dad claimed to be.I never loved him but maybe he did love me but forcing it on someone only pushes the person further away.The love of my life was separated from me because my parents said they were just ordinary in order word he had no money and power.I was always in contact with the love of life but having a relationship with him wasn't possible because i was married but the more i went further from the love of my life the greater the love i felt from him.when my husband discovered that i was still keeping in touch with the love of my life he did a lot of things that i can not start talking about.I asked for a divorce and he refused because of the situation that was at hand.After a long while of misery and torments i found a spell caster named NICE OKSE online through some comment on how i got my husband out of my life.I contacted the spell caster and told him my problems.He gave me a list of materials to buy which i later sent to him in order for him to make the spell.Since then my life has turned around and all my problems has been solved.So if you have that same problem or a similar one you can contact him via email at [email protected] . OR [email protected] Good luck as you do so.
This woman does not represent all virgins by choice worldwide. I'm 17, and first of all, the comment which said "there are no gray areas in virginity" is true. I mean, if you choose to wait until marriage, you must not have any sexual activity of any kind before marrying.
I chose to wait, but not only because I'm a Christian and it's like a "norm"- but also by personal choice. Maaaany people stereotypes us as naive, "opressed" people who don't know anything about sex, and it's totaly false. Waiting can have many pros, and besides the primary ones (not getting any STDs, or getting pregnant) I personally think sex nowadays is too undervalued. I want to have that "one thing" with my future husband that I didn't share with anyone else, I don't know if I'm being clear. I believe sex is sacred. It's not like a kiss or a hug. It's something that should be shared with the one you truly love and respect. It goes for both men and women. It's not impossible to wait. We're not animals with impulses we just can't control.
Ugh this sh*t is so confusing. I've been brought up in a house were again, sex was treated like the devil and it was bad but there were reasons for it. Some of them quiet logical, those that wanted sex were more than likely lusting after the person and not truly interested in a loving relationship. Besides from the STD's and general butt-hurt of your "honey" acting like a B after having sex. Some of this unfortunately is VERY true and there are a LOT of users and losers out there.
The men on the other hand are just terrible and the females have gotten just as bad. Every guy i've come across so far has had sex or is racist, so there were a lot of turn offs for this pretty girl unfortunately and I have felt cheated in life being unable to experience good relationships because of this. If it weren't for the parents prying into my daily life, then it was the big-mouth guy who'd run around and gossip to his friends that he supposedly "conquered" someone on his male-fantasy quest of lameness.
I've met guys who secretly just coveted on my parent's modern property and were just trying to use me to get what they wanted. Men that hated me because I had a nicer home than them, stupid, irrational shit like that. These same men are in the church, prying on girls who they assume to be "weak-minded" or "green". Men in the church, who also had the nerve trying to use my mom as their personal baby-sitter for all their problems too.
I wish the church would start teaching the truth of being aware of men period, whether outside or INSIDE the church. Thank God I met a much more decent man, both whom I and myself are virgins. It's a shame when people who barely or don't even attend church can act more decent than the ones that do, to an extent.
I miss him, he's in another state right now and finances are so difficult I can't even support myself. I'm living in someone's else marriage now, my parents, whom are aggressive and there is a lot of financial stress and bullying that goes on. Everyone wants to tell me what to do, how to run my life, and totally disregard anything I have to do or say for the sake of pleasing themselves. My mother has turned into a manipulative liar and my father nothing more than a male bully. I've never seen so much grievance they have towards in each yet everyday these same people will read their bible yet the news is so upsetting that they'll have a scream-feast for 3 days over it.
Hi, I'm hoping that the author will read my opinion,
and. –sorry, I have it and I'm giving it 🙂 —
As a girl who's never been "allowed" to love her own body. Because it can sin, and turn you into a "bad" person simply because it has the beautiful capability of procreation. I never wanted to even BE human, because of the feeling that I must be evil from the inside out. trying to change it, I have become the epitome of a good girl. And yes. I regret it. I regret being the good girl because: without someone who showed me the way to think differently about life, I was helplessly hating my own existence (though I admit some of my religious beliefs HAVE helped me tremendously, some days it was not worth it).
I'm quite sorry that your choices (practically forced on you by religion) caused you to train crash in disaster. But one thing in the beginning of life does not always cause the end result.Perhaps all "gospels" are not to blame. But, I'm sure you've now realized that churches are NOT perfect. (yet, who is) (oh wait, things that say they're run by a GOD actually SHOULD be!) I digress.
I applaud you for woking so hard to stay "clean". And I hope that you can find the happiness that should have been yours in the first place.
I "pray" that you CAN find the happy life you always dreamed of. Because people that have done the work for it in their youth deserve to find it.
{ Even if it's going to be different than the average religious saint.}
I wish it hadn't been hard to see the church in a bad light. But the rose colored glasses are most helpful when taken off.
I love you for the great soul you seem to be. 🙂
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This story makes me glad and encourages me to wait until I am married to have sex with a man that I truly love. I don't believe in premarital sex because I think it is sin and goes against my faith. So I plan on staying a virgin until my wedding night. Bible verses 1 Corthinians 6:13-20 forbiddens sex before marriage and encourages us to wait until we are married to have sex with somebody. And sleeping around with so much people lowers your spiritual, emotional and sexual bond with your TRUE love and soulmate that you marry on your wedding day. Why in the world would you want to lose any emotional or spiritual bonding with your future soulmate over the pleasure of having sex? Plus sex before marriage rises the risk of AIDs, HIV and unwanted pregnancy. That is why I prefer to stay a virgin until my wedding night and never have sex before marriage
i don't agree with what you said but as long as you make your own choices
I always wonder if sex can happen for the fun of it only or is all forms of sex to be some sacred thing. We would never let someone drive a car before being taught all of the thing they should know so why can this country not get over the thought that you should not have any sex until you get married and then you should just KNOW IT ALL and then you both will just do it and enjoy it. Maybe the innies and the outies just put the parts together to create more non thinking clones!
Personally people should not be looked down for having sex or waiting to have sex. Virginity is just a state of mind
So my boyfriend and I have done “stuff” but we both want wait until marriage because of the religious curcumstances we were both raised in. Last night we had both got completely naked infront of eachother and we did the same thing we always do, but we were just fully unclothed. I and he both have no desire for sex. But after last night, we both felt really guilty about what happened although it was the same exact thing we always do except for less clothing. I am just really confused and want to know why I feel so bad. Please help!!
I waited until marriage. I did NOT engage in any pre-sexual activities during dating with anyone at all prior to my husband! I believed Virginity was to be saved & preserved for marriage as I wanted to be free from any burdens, history, diseases or conflict & have my “one & only” life partner! I was not raised in a family of “practicing” religion, but one of high moral values & standards. Both of my parents were virgins when they married & when I was in high school they often spoke of how they valued that quality in eachother, being unsoiled & unblemished & able to build a life together with no incriminating past to haunt either of them. They were really devoted to eachother & gave unconditional love not only to eachother, but also to the family unit. Family was priority, but their marriage & their bond was #1. And I really wanted that for myself!
My now husband that I chose then out of blind naivety has cost me much emotional pain. He had led a very promiscuous lifestyle that I knew in advance & I should have run the other way. But I got sucked in by his charm & gile. Little did I know what lie in store for me down the road because if I had a hint, God help me I hope I would have said no! I had made it clear I WAS A VIRGIN & was saving myself for marriage! I made NO secret of it! And I was NOT ashamed of it either! But he really started to put the pressure on me to have sex after we dated a few times! There was a little age difference. I was 19 & he was 25. Eventually the dates led to drinking. A couple of times I came home a little tipsy. My mom would ALWAYS be waiting up for me! Wow, shed be furious! I’d get the full hostile interrogation of where we went & exactly what we did & what happened! I’d ALWAYS be asked if we had sex! My mom would ALWAYS tell me he was dangerous & I should dump him, but I always thought I knew better & never listened to her. I was wrong on so many levels. So wrong!
I was pressured into engaging in heavy petting & make-out sessions, which I strickly avoided in the past like the plague! I let myself be pressured into going to his house & getting nude, under the sheets & engage in oral sex! I was reeling from that for a long, long time! My mind & body were at constant war with eachother & I had NEVER in my life let a guy touch any of my private parts ever before, let alone get so fricking intimate! I could NOT understand why things were getting out of control SO FAST & I didn’t know how to reign it in! I felt hopeless! Out of control & a good part of my conscience was NOT happy. But it was going to get worse…
We were engaged & II think that maybe made him feel way more entitled. One night a couple of weeks before we were to get married he had gotten on top of me & started with just rubbing against me. I couldn’t think straight. That went on for awhile. Suddenly before I knew it he was trying to penetrate me! He went at that for what seemed like ages! I was in a complete Fog & then the pain took over & snapped me to reality! I’m not sure quite how long that had been going on, but even in my inexperienced & naieve mind that was too long & I was hurting like heck & he still had NOT penetrated thru yet & he was just relentless! I was starting to panic when suddenly I felt a rip & searing pain then pooling of blood as he forced thru finally what seemed like minutes of hell! I yelled out in excruciating pain because it hurt like hell! I did indeed feel like I was being ripped apart! And blood was pooling, I could FEEL it gathering like when my heavy periods start! I forcefully jerked away & ran to the bathroom with blood running down my legs & then as I was washing the blood off with wet toilet paper (all I could find & tedious work) I was mortified! I was shocked into stunned silence momentarily! I was not yet on BC!! To show just how UN-experienced & naieve & Ill prepared for this whole sex BEFORE marriage that I fully intend to wait until AFTER marriage but was PRESSURED into engaging in BEFORE marriage by a man that DISRESPECTED ME & MY DECISIONS & valued HIS NEEDS & WANTS OVER MINE! But this would NOT be the 1st time he’d act & show such disregard for me & my feelings. My feelings & values & for my personage would be discounted & devalued from our dating life all through our marriage because he is emotionally dysfunctional because of the way he was raised. I was to be emotionally/verbally/sexually abused for the better part of the 1st 20 of our 33 yrs & 7+ months together. We married 5-21-82. There have been many bad times. I’ve been used for several years for his own sexual gratification because shortly after our honeymoon he compared me unfairly “broken & inadequate” to his former multiple ex whore skank sluts that I was “broken & dysfunctional” because I could not orgasm “vaginally” like they “apparently” could & “supposedly” in the “10 & under minutes he could” like the porn I found out later he was no doubt addicted to & no doubt got his much misinformation of sex ed which is highly INACCURATE! I could only do so clitorally, which I found out after that & have been reaffirmed by every MD & OB-GYB that I am very normal in that respect: 75-80% of women can only orgasm clitorally, & of the others that “appear” to orgasm vaginally may actually after all be having a G-Spot orgasm, which ironically is where the Clitoris extends into the inside of the vagina & if the woman is ARO– USED enough & STIMULATED enough thru FOREPLAY she can have an orgasm thru intercourse & penetration “IF” she’s penetrated at just the right angle!! But he decided to ‘play God ” & decide when I could & could NOT have an orgasm based on his very selfish & self centered needs! I was — USED only for HIS means to an end! And if I didn’t want to “service” him he’d threaten me with infidelity & tell me how easily I could be replaced! I’d be called all kinds of despicable, deplorable, derogatory names followed up with: you asked for it; you deserved it; you had it coming to you! He NEVER took RESPONSIBILITY nor ACCOUNTABILITY for his words or actions! NEVER!
I was dealing with Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde. I never knew from 1 minute from the next what to expect. I was always walking on eggshells. But it was ME who was always expected to bend, change, make the marriage work. He was always of the mindset he could do as he damed well please & the rules never applied to him. He was above the rules! They only applied to me! I was miserable & sexually frustrated as he ALWAYS left me on the verge of orgasm as it seemed he could “sense” I was near & he’d quickly finish & roll of & just leave me hanging there unresolved! I was tempted so many times, but stupidly I remained faithful. But there were several times in hindsight I know now I’m sure he wasn’t. In fact in 1999 I was diagnosed with HPV-16 after having every single year from 1982 until 1999 CLEAN! I purposely saved my virginity, refrained from ALL sexual activity prior to my ONE & ONLY SEXUAL PARTNER, MY HUSBAND, WHO ADMITTED TO HAVING SEVERAL SEXUAL PARTNERS WITH “UNPROTECTED SEX” BEFORE OUR MARRIAGE BUT REF– USES TO ADMIT TO UNPROTECTED SEX AFTER MARRIAGE, AND HE ADMITTED TO GETTING AN STD PRIOR TO MARRIAGE ALSO!! I was retested a few days later & still positive HPV-16!! This is the HPV that causes Cervical Cancer! I had to go in for that procedure to have lesions CUT from my Cervix! NO numbing solution is applied, they dilate my Cervix (the cervix is VERY TENDER & VERY SENSITIVE) & proceed to cut out 4-6 lesions for biopsy. Its VERY PAINFUL! SO PAINFUL I PUKED ON THE FINAL LESION THEY CUT OUT!! I bled for several days afterwards & was told to keep alert for an infection! Just great! I had to eat sitting on pins & needles for confirmation on the biopsy results. I was scared to death! I thought I did things right, but now faced with the cold hard facts I chose wrong & it could cost me my health with serious consequences. An STD that causes cancer! I wasn’t the one leading a promiscuous lifestyle!! But I have to be the one to pay the ultimate price? Because a selfish, self-centered, egotistical immature manchild thinks its his right to go & screw as many women as he dam well pleases, WITHOUT using protection, knowingly or unknowingly spreading STD’S because when you screw someone you just don’t screw that “one” person, but “every” person they screwed & so on & so on!! My husband could literally have a sexual history of HUNDREDS of people!! EWE!!! That is just really vulgar & disgusting!! Makes me think of a man-whore! Seriously! I don’t have much respect thinking of that! My biopsies came back early stage 1 Cervical Cancer & confimed HPV-16! I’m devastated! Mortified. Shocked! Angry! No, OUTRAGED! I have it out with my husband because the doctor has to now register me with the CDC because I have a confirmed STD & confirmed HPV-16 Cause Stage 1 Cervical Cancer diagnosis!! I’m livid!! I saved Myself, my virginity for this!! My dignity was stripped away & I’m humiliated because he couldn’t control himself!
Well like always he refused to take accountability. He would NOT take responsibility! I was appalled & to add insult to injury he counter blamed ME SAYING ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS TO ME TO DEFLECT ANY BLAME FROM HIMSELF & HE STILL DOES TO THIS VERY DAY, INSUFFERABLE PIG! I’m told: It’s heridary?; I gave it to myself; I’m “dirty”; & the newest 1 just before Christmas 2015 (Merry Christmas Julie your husband never really loved you nor respected you after all) now add: my vagina is ” dirty”! If my vagina was dirty at all at any time it was when my husbands filthy immature STD covered cheating penis was inside it!!
And THEN to find out AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, MORE THAN 33+ YEARS LATER AFTER THE FACT THAT MY LYING DECEITFUL TWO FACED CHEATING WHORING SCUMBAG OF A HUSBAND DID NOT, DID NOT, BELIEVE ME WHEN I TOLD HIM MORE THAN ONCE WHEN WE WERE DATING, THAT I WAS IN FACT A VIRGIN!! HE TOLD ME THIS ABOUT A WEEK OR 2 AFTER MY BIRTHDAY, AUG 2015!. BY THE WAY HE MADE MY 33RD ANNIVERSARY AS WELL 53RD IN 2015 TOTAL HELL WITH HIS DECEPTION, LIES, DECIET, SECRETS-ALL CAME OUT TO BITE ME IN THE A## IN 2015 TO SHOW ME IVE BEEN THE BIGGEST FOOL IN THE WORLD! I REALIZED HOW DUPED I WAS, HOW BLIND I WAS! MY RAGE WAS ALL CONSUMING! HE NEVER ONCE TOLD ME HE FALSLY & WRONGLY JUDGED ME A “LIAR” ABOUT MY VIRGINITY UNTIL AUG 2015, 33+ YEARS AFTER WE MARRIED!! NO WONDER HE TREATED ME LIKE CRAP! I NEVER HAD A CHANCE FROM THE BEGINNING! HE ALWAYS CHOSE TO & WANTED TO BELIEVE THE WORSE IN ME! HE ALWAYS TOOK THE WORDS OF OTHERS OVER ME & ALWAYS, ALWAYS BELIEVED ME TO LIE. HE SAID HE NEVER KNEW A VIRGIN BEFORE SO THEREFORE HE DIDN’T BELIEVE THEY EXISTED! AND I ASKED HIM JUST HOW THE HECK HE COULDN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE THAT VERY 1ST TIME?? WAS HE REALLY THAT RETARDED I ASKED HIM? HE SAID IT WAS BECA– USE I WASN’T “EXCITED” ENOUGH & THEREFORE I WAS TOO “DRY”. BS BS BS BS BS BS!! NEVER GROWING UP & NEVER TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS & WORDS!
I WILL NEVER GET A REASON WHY HE KEPT THIS VITAL PIECE OF INFORMATION FROM ME BEFORE WE MARRIED & WHY HE HURTFULLY REVEALED IT TO ME SO MANY YEARS LATER!! WHY KEEP SOMETHING LIKE THAT SECRET, HIDDEN!! HE KNEW HOW MUCH THAT MEANT TO ME!! HE KNEW!! AND TO GIVE ME AN STD & THEN TO BLAME IT ON ME! ME!
IM BEYOND WOUNDED, HURT & ANGRY. IM LOST WHAT TO DO. 33+ YEARS & HES NEVER GOING TO CHANGE!
Julie, my heart goes out to you. Your story is so hurtful and just when a person thinks their situation is so, horrific beyond words, … a story like yours dims some of the ordinary evils that people are capable of. I wish there were words that I could say to comfort you or at best help dim you anger and feelings of long-term violation. But, be assured that people like your husband has a day coming where he will revisit his past evils against you and other women he has hurt and you may just have the opportunity to see his reward of pain. I pray that you’ll have a healing finalized in your heart when it happens.
I had an experience where I was greatly wronged and I not only watched my husband suffer, but I was the one asked to consider pulling the plug on his life-support system. I watched him look at me and take his last breath. I was very hurt to watch such suffering. I was surprised to feel the way I felt watching him die. He suffered greatly. I even prayed that he would get better and live, but God said “NO’. So, I pray that you will ask God the help you heal inside from you emotional, mental, and physical pain before your husband’s punishment that might happen before your eyes. I pray that you illness will not cause you pain and suffering.
CC
i am 19 years old and lost my virginity to masturbation and i haven’t actually had sex with anyone and i feel really bad about loosing it because i live in a society of people who believe so much in virginity and i just keep wondering how I’m going to be able to tell my future husband that dats how i lost it and how he might react to it
Neither one of us had sex before marriage nor after our marriage. I never felt comfortable my husband, he felt the same but also had no desire for any sex at all. He explained that he felt uncomfortable with the idea of having sex. He was confused and he was fighting his emotions and inner self. We did have sex once and that didn’t help at all. After a few months we decided to break up and go our own way. Things never changed were in or late 60s and still stay in touch, neither one of us ever got married again. He said he lost all desire for any kind of relationship male or female and ended up a loner. I hate to admit but I guess I ended up an old maid and devoted my life to church. I do feel depressed in church in the way it let me down, but I have no where else to go.
We met each other while I was working for 3 years in Peru. That was 30 years ago. We fell in love and we did lots together, we kissed, we hugged, we caressed, we cuddled and we even sometimes spent the night together but fully dressed and decided to wait until we got married before we had sex.
Two years later we got married and we had already said that we would not have sex on the wedding night either as we both were probably too tired, stressed or elate and hyper so that there was a good chance that it wouldn’t be that great. So we drank a celbratory glass of champaign, undressed completely but my wife kept on her knickers and I kept on my boxers and so we enjoyed for the first time the feeling of our naked skin on skin of our cherished partner for the rest of our lives.
In the morning when we woke up my wife pulled down my shorts and looked on in marvel on my mandhood and I did the same to her and was presented with her sweet intimate area that was covered by a neatly trimmed but thick bush of dark hair. The lovemaking that followed was an overwhelming wave of sensations and we both were moaning with pleasure.
What a feeling to be inside my wife for the first time and to make love to my wife knowing that this very act can be the moment of the start of a new life, our first child.
We had to wait a few years but now we have 5 children. We never used any contraceptive and we just accepted happily whatever consequences presented themselves as a result of our frequent lovemaking.
Even today after 30 years we still seek each other’s intimate company at least once a day.
We know we are lucky and are not saying that anyone should follow our example or not. Simply describing the facts how it unfolded for us and what decisions we took.
Hi. The Catholic faith and from (what I hear other Christian groups) teach to wait til marriage before sex, masterbation, and any other variation of pleasuring someone else body or your own. You can hold hands and kiss if you can take it but that’s about it.
I grew up knowing not to have sex. I went to church every Sunday but no one ever told me to not do other stuff. ( I also grew up without my Father) I watched porn at 12 and learned to masterbate as well from one of my best friends. I felt guilty after I did it sometimes but eventually the guilt went away. What I didn’t REALIZE then, was that was my relationship with God going away. Looking back I grew up “too fast”. After the porn and masterbating I was hooked on trying to get women. I became overly sexual for my age and it ruined my childhood. While most kids were doing something productive I was trying to get the girl across the street to show me her tits or corrupt someone else and I DID! Let me tell you! I Sure Did and I feel horrible for it! Someone showed me, I showed someone else. My older cousins thought they would show me porn and it would be funny. My best friend thought he should show me how to jack off. Meanwhile Im being corrupted and I dont even know it. I eventually corrupted other people and hooked up with lots of girls. I shared the same misconceptions as the author about not going past 3rd base which is not having oral or feeling of the private parts. I did everything But Sex until I finally let my “virginity” go. I had sex. It was horrible and I was very afraid but at that point I had so many “sexual” partners and experiences it meant nothing to me except another thing from childhood teaching I was holding onto that was another angering lie.
I regret it immensely now but nobody EVER taught me differently ( no Dad) Nobody gave me an example. However. If I had not gone on to have sex with more women for the next ten years after that I would have very likely gone on to be very bad in bed and not understood anything about relationships, sex, women, or anything else. I don’t know how what I did or the things I have done will affect my future wife? I was lucky enough to get out of it without STD’s ect. If I were a women and as horny as I was? Not so much. I am taking away the good things from my experience but in light of the truth. Sex before marriage can be damaging and if you want a relationship with God then forget about it. If you want a relationship with God you’ve got to follow Gods rules. Once you masterbate and slip and slip and slip your gone. There is no more truth. Its all a blurred line and a lie.
I am NOW a chaste Catholic. I dont masterbate have sex or anything else. I dont look at lustful images___truthfully___ I try VERY hard not to, and zero porn luckily. Its not easy. I even have to refrain from lusting after women I see. I dont talk to old girlfriends or anything else because I decided I needed to make a change. I was sick and tired of using people for sex and somehow through Gods Grace I learned the Truth. The bible is not a lie. Church is not some lie. The rules are not some lie. I repented and went to confession. I church every Sunday. And I refrain from lusting after women. If only I had been seriously taught about why I was waiting or why it was wrong before I saw that porn and learn to masterbate for the first time. I would have been saved but no. I wasnt spared a sexual education. Now I am chaste and I struggle but the more I learn about the Bible and about Jesus the easier it can be. I know Ill be tempted. Probably soon. But I also know what is right. I dont know anyone who has been chaste their whole life but would love to get their perspective on exactly how they did it and the influences they had in their lives. I dont really have anyyhing more to add than that right now. Hope I covered all my bases.
Waiting for marriage was the biggest mistake of my life. I was also brow beaten with religious brainwashing from a young age. I followed the rules and waited until marriage only to find out that my wife has almost no interest in sex at all. She refused me on our wedding night and only allowed us to have sex once on our 10 day honeymoon. I spent a decade blaming myself and trying everything under the sun to be a better husband so maybe she would want me. At one point, I thought that I must be a horrible person and this was God’s way of punishing me. I even considered suicide for a while to escape my pain from the constant rejection.
Eventually I got over these feelings and realized that there was nothing wrong with me for wanting sex with the woman I devoted my life to. It took too long though and now I’m stuck. I can’t afford to divorce her because I can’t afford to support 2 households. I’m really having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I’m going to spend the rest of my life nearly celibate.