Do you guys remember my tangle with internet dating? The mouth-breather? The guy who wanted me to pay for his meal? Awesome. Finding someone you want to spend time or affection on isn’t always easy, but it’s certainly easier when you know what you’re doing.
I happened upon this fantastic article on one of my online haunts and thought it was too good (and too helpful) to keep to myself. By Erin Meanley
1. If you’re confused about whether a guy likes you or not, that’s probably not good. Confusion in romance belongs only in romantic comedies because it suspends the plot, but suspense in real life sucks. So try not to analyze the events. The truth will reveal itself without you having to do anything.
2. Sometimes guys flirt with you or pay attention to you because it makes them feel good about themselves. (Hey, we do it, too.)
3. Even a guy who will admit that you’re better looking than him should still be able to tell you you’re beautiful. If he holds back in order to control the situation, or to keep you, or keep you down, he’s got issues.
4. Don’t help him ask you out by texting him something nice or polite. I’m glad you’re more outgoing and thoughtful than he is, but he doesn’t want the help.
5. Guys want to get busy more than anything. They’ll say anything to close the deal.
6. It’s shocking how much guys will talk about marriage. Until there’s a ring on your finger, it will be better for you if you pretend you’re deaf.
7. It’s better not to lift a finger in the beginning.
8. In the early stages, giving him presents is too much. Generosity looks desperate to guys. You may be a great shopper and gift-wrapper; it may be his birthday and you may be wild about birthdays—even still, he’ll think you’re just wild about him. Too wild.
9. Guys just do not think like girls. I wish I’d had a brother. Real boys are nothing like the boys in movies.
10. They might take a decade to mature. Don’t hope they’ll grow up or be ready in the next six months.
11. Even if your family thinks there’s going to be a marriage, don’t let them spoil your guy. Yes, he’s grateful you gave him your car when he moved out of NYC, but he would rather have had to work for it.
12. Learn to cook. Learn to cook well. I see now that it would have won me a lot of points. A LOT.
13. Just because he might be smarter than you or more talented at certain things doesn’t mean he’s your servant and won’t mind doing all your homework/research/chores.
14. Guys get resentful, too.
15. You’re special, unique, and important, but you’re not a princess—no matter what Daddy says (although for the record, my dad calls me “Erin”).
16. It’s okay to say no. It’s more than okay. It’s always okay. If he stops calling (and many, many, many will), you’re only weeding out the guys who aren’t truly interested in you as a person. Time saved!
17. Playing it safe guarantees you’ll have more time and energy to think about your grades or your work. Less drama in your life will always be better and healthier for you.
18. You deserve to be treated like a human being.
19. Your wants and needs are just as important as his, and if you don’t express them because you think it will scare him away, then you’re saying you don’t count as much as he does.
20. Even sophisticated people with professional jobs can have tempers or hit you or use foul language. I’ve known men who dressed like diplomats but they were ugly human beings.
21. You can’t force chemistry. If you like him as a friend, the attraction might grow, but if it doesn’t, don’t force it. And don’t waste his time.
22. Ease up on the sauce. Alcohol clouds your judgment.
23. No boyfriend-girlfriend relationship starts with a 1 a.m. booty text.
24. When a guy has taken you to Applebee’s five times and you say you want to treat him, he’ll be psyched. But secretly he’ll freak out if you take him to Ruth’s Chris, even just the one teeny time. Don’t try to match him one Ruth’s Chris for five Applebee’s. Take him out, but go to T.G.I. Friday’s.
25. Women love attention. A guy needs to be pretty crazy about you in order for him to pay enough attention to make you happy long-term.
26. My mom always said, “Men don’t think.” I thought she meant, “They are mistaken in their thoughts.” But they’re just not thinking anything at all. About you. They’re watching the game. That’s why they haven’t called.
27. There should be a medium ground between workaholism and his absolute devotion. “The knight departing for new adventures offends his lady, yet she has nothing but contempt for him if he remains at her feet” (Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 658).
28. Never underestimate the quality of “interesting.” Men want someone interesting. They really do. Find some hobbies.
29. What are you hoping to gain by hooking up with this guy? If the answer is “him,” that’s a bad deal for you. “The woman gives herself, the man adds to himself by taking her” (de Beauvoir 659).
30. Expectations? They’ll ruin every dating experience you have.
31. You will never understand men. Just try to understand yourself.
What dating rules have you learned the hard way? I now know that:
1. I’m not interested in completing you. Nor am I interested in you completing me.
2. Guys with sisters = awesome.
3. I don’t want to spent my weekends watching you play some sport. I don’t need you to witness my hobbies to validate them – and I hope you don’t need that either. Also? Is ultimate frisbee even a spectator sport?
What about you?
A resounding WORD to #31!
–xo.
I'm not much of a dater but the one I'm learning a little too slowly is to have a very good think about whether I like the person or merely the idea of them.
Do I like him or do I just want his attention?
Do I want his attention or just any attention?
Am I really going to break his heart because I'm bored?
Back away!
Girls can be jerks too.
What a great article (espically when I wanted to to contact an ex to just "catch up"..sheesh). It was #10 & 16 that got to me. Dating will probably always confuse me. I'm almost 23 and guess I still need a lot to learn..
Hi! I'm from Brazil and I have a point to make!
Worse than whatching guys playing sports, here in Brazil we have a BIG trouble cuz guys here whatch soccer EVERY SINGLE wednesday and monday (no matter which team they cheer for). So if your brazilian bfd loves soccer be prepared… =)
My advice, make clear you don't like to spend every wednesday and monday at home whatching the game and make a deal he can whatch his team and finals games, that is it!
Sometimes it works,… sometimes it don't!hehehe
Bye!
Gigi
Excellent list. When I was young, one of my friends told me to never date a guy who still lived with his mother. I have never, ever had an experience in life to prove that wrong.
#10! Lived and learned that one on my own! Here's another one: if a guy stands you up, don't give him another chance to, because he more than likely will. Move on to the next candidate and don't look back.
*starr fish! Yes! I really believe that people will show you who they are the first time you meet them. For the love of Pete, believe them!
Also? I have a strict policy that if something (a job/friendship/relationship) is making me feel bad (bad. not frustrated. not challenged. but bad) I walk away. It's just that simple!
Very good list and #23 couldn't be more true! I've learned to not worry about anything other than having a good time and also not to expect anything from guys. Also to put myself and my needs first and if he can't/won't meet them, then to keep it moving
Spot-on! Never assume you know what the other is thinking. Don't overanalyze everything they do.
Absolutely lovely post.
I love it.
Thanks!
xoxox
this is great! and i agree that "guys with sisters = awesome". so true.
As a 22 year old – thank you, SO MUCH.
Hmm. I do agree with the spirit of many of these, but I have difficulty with the whole "don't lift a finger/ text politely/ help him ask you out" vs "you're not a princess." If you don't reach out and communicate, you can miss getting to know someone that may add to your life in some way (socially, professionally, etc).
Maybe it's where I live (SF) but dating even in late 20s and early 30s is very murky and grey. Sometimes you have to text a guy and ask him if he wants to bring his friends to meet your friends to join happy hour forces. It's no big deal, and if he's a jerk about it and seems like he thinks you're way into him or whatever, that tells you something. Being appropriately friendly is not a turn off for nice dudes.
I think the key is to be friendly to a new dude with romantic potential just like you're friendly to any other new acquaintance.
Be direct- "hey, wanna get drinks with my friends?" rather than "what are you doing this weekend." Also, always ask a question if you want a text back, and consider not texting him back if he doesn't ask you one.
Food for thought. (And fun!)
I'm in my first very serious relationship and one of the lessons I learned from past experiences is to observe a man's relationship with his mother and any sisters. I applied this to this current relationship and so far, so good. He has a great relationship with both his mom and his younger sister (whom I share a birthday with!) and they were the first to know he had a girlfriend.
I also learned not to need constant validation (my own insecurity issues) I find more happiness when I meet one of his friends or colleagues and they come up to me, positively gushing as they shake my hand and tell me about how they're finally glad to meet the girl they've been hearing such wonderful things about. THAT is awesome.
This post came at a SERIOUSLY perfect time! Thanks for passing it on 🙂
Amazing post!!! I'm 21 now, so this post reallyl is perfect for me.
"23. No boyfriend-girlfriend relationship starts with a 1 a.m. booty text."
WORD. Story of my life, right there.
LOL about ultimate frisbee. I've dated like 5 guys who all played ultimate frisbee and they are SOO into it and I just can't take it seriously.
i'm 22 and i know i don't know everything 😉 but i don't all of these are true.
#4 I definitely suggested/told my current bf to ask me out a couple times.
#8 gifting is my love language. i love to give or make things if that makes me seem "desperate" and scares him away, then good because i don't want a guy who is so afraid of a commitment that a plate of brownies frightens him. If a guy can't see your true intentions then it's not going to work anyhow.
on the other hand #1 is so common sense but i fail to hear it everytime. I "dated" a guy during the summer but i guess to him it was just hang out and hook ups… if i would have just let it go… oh well
#22 a big big lesson i just learned the hard way
i also value how a guy talks to his mom. and other adults. how he treats people he hopefully respects is a very accurate reflection on how he'll treat you.
Excellent list.
I would add that if a guy takes a phone call from work while he's on his first date with you, he should be avoided. They are invariably workaholics.
Learned that the hard way.
All such good advice from Ms. Meanley who is now blogging for Glamour's Smitten blog (where Jo Goddard blogs as well)! Some of these actually really spoke to me right now, in my current relationship. Thanks for posting, Sarah!
my disclaimer for the statement i'm about to make is that in something like 15 years i have been on exactly 1 real-life super official first date and then i married that person.
HOWEVER, these are a lot of rules. too many. too specific. and i think potentially harmful (not all, some). i realise i am very far from understanding the World of Dating, but i can't help but wonder if having so many rules means you might pass over The One or A Really Good One because of some instance like a mis-timed incoming phone call, or to go on in life fully believing that men cannot empathize or that women shouldn't have to work hard to foster a new relationship, even if it's on a first date, or that women aren't allowed to be emotive and caring because it's a weakness to be taken advantage of. or that men aren't allowed to talk about marriage unless they are married or engaged to you or you think they're lying? or that if some guy isn't running up your leg or fawning over you enlessly that you'll be unhappy with him forever over this lack of attention towards you. or that guys get resentful…please. of course, they do. i am insulted by the lack of perceived intelligence this author gives men. it seems really unfair.
these are just a couple examples, and given more time, i'd probably pick apart 80% of this list. damaging way to go about the enjoyment of meeting new people or growing a good relationship, is my perspective.
i think this list is unrealistic and that women should feel free to be themselves, always. caring, expressive, emotional, ambitious. even if you don't have 'hobbies' or like his the partner you wind up with will be the one that gets it and likes you for you, regardless of whether or not you consider this list. don't be willing to give up the potential of something really awesome because you were jaded once by a guy who stood you up or because you have expectations for awesomeness. stereo types are bad, one-size fits lists are bad. i hope this list is meant to be taken with a grain of salt, it sure is leaving me with a bad taste. /end transmission
ps. sorry for the rant 🙂
Is it bad that I'm 27 and married and took a lot away from this post!
KUDOS!
You always know how to say what I seem to need to hear at the time. 🙂
23. No boyfriend-girlfriend relationship starts with a 1 a.m. booty text.
MY relationship has, it started that way and now we are well into over a 2 year relationship…you gotta have hope and understand that sometimes no it doesn't turn into anything more but it sometimes can!
Also, read men are from mars women are from venus, truly has helped my relationship and just how to understand men. Ladies if you are in a relationship get your man to read it as well it will make a WORLD of a difference!!!
<3
Oh, what a great list. Very helpful to my 21 year old self. I'm currently in a relationship, but if I'm ever single again I will definitely keep these things in mind.
I agree 100% with Darcie. Sarah, I love and agree with your three additions, as well as a few of the items on this list (nope, you're not a princess, but yes, you do deserve to be treated like a human being), but the list as a whole just makes me angry.
Don't lift a finger? Don't send nice texts? really? Are we all supposed to just wait for someone to sweep us off our feet? Relationships require equal amounts of work from both parties, and I think that applies to the start of something just as much as it does two months or 12 years down the road.
And as for 28 and 12, I hope that the wonderful, talented young women who seem to always comment on this blog have hobbies because they've found activities they enjoy and cook because they want to, not because it will make them more pleasing to men. If you hate cooking or don't know how and you can get away with not doing so from a financial/scheduling standpoint, why bother? Anyone who is worth a long-term relationship should be willing to accept that.
Never ask someone to chose between you and something else they will nearly always chose the something else.
girl, your timing is impeccable. i've been needlessly stressing over a potential romantic situation, and this is EXACTLY what i need to be reading. thanks for being amazing!!
This is such a brilliant brilliant post! Good call on sharing it 🙂
I think one thing I've learnt is that if you've got an issue, and you pretend its resolved when its not, because you don't want to rock the boat? It's going to come back and bite you in the ass. Sometimes honesty IS the way to go.
I have to say that 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, and 26 aren't true, at least some of the time and with some people.
Guys often don't realise that you're into them – they don't get the subtle cues that you're giving. When they're serious about a woman they'll also think about things, often way too much. And if a woman isn't giving us any signals, we might just cut our losses and move on. Nobody likes to feel like the object of their interest isn't giving them anything.
And 5 and 6 are almost completely contradictory. That's because they're both true, some of the time.
I think a lot of these statements are dated and unfair. I was looking forward to reading this post when I saw the subject title, but it's really gender unbalanced. It makes a lot of assumptions on what guys want and what girls want based on gender roles and societal roles and is more about playing the boy/girl game than treating one another like human beings.
For example – telling women not to lift a finger in the beginning. That sends up back to feeling like we are supposed to wait to be pursued, to sit back and deny our own intuition or desires in order to be approached. We cannot approach. It's so passive and goes hand-in-hand with the female subservience that, in a week or two, another article will tell women to break through in order to get ahead in their careers or something. It's such a mixed message and I'm disappointed to see it here.
Learn how to cook? Men don't think? These seem, to me, not like things we want to be teaching or perpetuating.
wow, totally brilliant, especially that you will never understand men, just yourself.
I wish I had seen this when I was a teen, before I got involved with game-players.
I think I once heard it best that at the end of the day, the amount of smiles should outweigh frowns and it should really stay that simple until waaay later on (like long term care time)
I agree with Darcy, Emelline and Meghan, I don't think a lot of this list is true or helpful.
Men are all different just like women are all different, so trying to apply the same rules to every relationship is silly, its not one-size-fits-all. I hate articles that try to lump all memebers of a gender together, "ALL men love sport, beer and submissive women" "ALL women love weddings, shoes and alpha males". Its ridiculous. We should be getting to know men as individuals, just as we would get to know a new girl friend as an individual, not treating them like some strange other species who we expect to act a certain way.
The idea that men do not think is pretty offensive. Yeah, he might not be spending every second of his day thinking about you, but he has a job and a life!
My boyfriend loves to cook and is amazing at it, the idea of a woman needing to learn to cook to keep her man happy is so old fashioned.
And “The woman gives herself, the man adds to himself by taking her”…puh-lease, there is no need to lose any part of yourself just because you are in a relationship or hooking up with somebody. Its about give and take, yes…but you should both be giving and both be taking.
I'm in agreement with Darcy, Emelline, Meghan and Kathleen. Sterotyping men like this isn't helpful for men OR women, in the long run.
I also think the Simone de Beauvoir quotes are being taken a little out of context. “The woman gives herself, the man adds to himself by taking her"? This is not a good thing.
I totally agree with Darcie and the others who have commented above. I found this list somewhat stereotypical and sexist to tell the truth – and I usually really love the ideas on this blog! I was surprised to find something that seemed to reinforce the idea that there are rules for dating.
Personally, I think that the best advice is to be yourself, be open and honest and don't play games. And if the other person can't do the same, then move on. And this advice is relevant for men and women! It worked for me 🙂
I hope you don't mind me (respectfully) disagreeing. I still think this blog is awesome 🙂
If he says that he wants to wait until he dates you…he's probably not going to ask you out.
Don't be fooled by flattery.
Ugh! Sarah! I thought I was surely the only person to have been cursed with a date who expected me to pay for his meal. These men must crawl out from under the same rock.
Things I've learned over the years:
– you are NOT in love. No matter what your brain tells you, unless you are way, way past the infatuation stages, which can last months. The part after all of that is when you see the real person, with your real, rational brain. Then you can see if you're in love or not.
– if he doesn't consistently do what he says he'll do, he's not interested. I mean, sure, everyone has a fuck-up or two, but if he always has an excuse, even if you talk yourself into thinking it's a good excuse…don't waste your time.
– If he calls you his girlfriend, but won't do it publicly, there's a reason. And it's not a good one. You're not really his girlfriend. You're his secret.
– If someone says they are in love with you/love you/are falling in love with you very quickly – run.
If he acts like he's not into you, he's probably not. Don't waste your time.
i love this blog!! its so true! i wish i knew all of this when i was with my most recent ex.. he actually just broke up with me a week ago and i really should have been the one to leave him!!! a lot of the things that you said were things that happend in my relationship. you live and learn i guess. i just like to be blind to things when in a relationship. no more though!!!
Too often I find myself finding excuses and then wondering why I only attract younger boys. Then I read #31 – try to understand myself. What a hit in the head. Love the post so much & I only wish I memorize them every time I give away my phone #
I'm surprised that so many folks said that the list was untrue and/or sexist.
I'm 37 and I found every single one of these to be true over my dating lifetime.
Brilliant! I'm 25 and learning some of these for the first time. Very well done Xx