True Story: I Dated a Married Man

Would you ever date a married man? What's it REALLY like? You might be surprised .... // yesandyes.org

This is one of many True Life interviews, in which we talk to talk to people who have been through unusual/interesting/challenging things. This is the story of “Michelle,” who got involved with a married man. I’m sure many of us have strong feelings about this sort of behavior, but I appreciate Michelle’s candor. Please keep your comments respectful.

Can you tell us a bit about your romantic history?
I’ve had a few boyfriends. My longest relationship was for 2 years. We lived together but we were at different places in our lives and had bit of an awkward, drawn out break-up. It left me pretty down for about 6 months or so afterwords.

How did you meet this man that you had an affair with?
We worked together – what a cliche! I’d always seen him at work, but we didn’t really start talking until I’d split up with that long-term boyfriend and started going out more with people from work.

I realize now also that he never paid me any attention when he thought I was ‘off limits.’ As soon as word got about that I was single he was around a lot more.

What did he tell you about his wife and home life?
He was completely upfront about it because we were just friends in a large group of work colleagues. It was completely normal for him to mention his wife. A lot of the people in the office had met her at various work parties so I was aware of her.

How did you rationalize the affair to yourself?
I have absolutely no idea. My father left my mother for another woman so it’s really hard for me to face up to being that ‘other woman.’ I’ve seen how destructive it can be.

My only excuse is being so upset from the breakup that I wasn’t thinking straight. He paid me a lot of attention when I was feeling particularly low. At first I found it easy to pretend that she didn’t exist.

Did your friends or family meet him? Did they know that he was married? If so, what did they think about it?
No. Nobody knew about it but an extremely good friend in the office. I didn’t want to tell anybody because I didn’t want to be the centre of office gossip. I obviously didn’t want her to find out … and I was ashamed I guess.

I’m not going to lie though, the secrecy thing really makes it more exciting. It’s a lot easier for me to understand why it happens so much now. It’s really easy to get caught up in that excitement.

How did you two keep it a secret from his wife? Did she ever find out?
Ugh, terribly. She was away working about two weeks of each month so I thought nothing of going to his house.

When I think about it now it was a ridiculous arrangement. I spent most of my time waiting for him to call and ask me to go over. We could never make plans because obviously she would come first. I even found myself cancelling plans with friends just in case he’d call. How pathetic is that?

He only ever came to my house once. He’d rung me and asked me to go over and I refused because I was getting so sick of sneaking around. An hour later he was at my door. At the time I was swooning and trying to fool myself he was into me. Obviously he wasn’t because first thing the next morning, he couldn’t have left any quicker.

How did things end between the two of you?
This is what I’m most ashamed of. I went to his house while his wife was away, we watched a movie, had dinner, went to bed.

We woke up to the sound of the front door closing because she’d come back early to surprise him. I was absolutely terrified and grabbed my clothes but he wouldn’t let me out of the room and made me hide behind the door just before she walked in. He managed to convince her that they should go out for breakfast and then I left after they did.

On the way home he called me apologizing profusely. I asked him never to contact me again and he never has.

What did you take away from this relationship?
That I will never ever get involved with someone who’s already in a relationship again. Ever.

I really had to look at how he’d treated me, too. It’s so easy to get swept up in someone you like who’s showing you attention. But if it’s only on their terms it’ll make you feel pretty crappy, pretty quickly.

From mutual friends, I’ve since found out that I was only one in a long line of women he’d cheated with. Last year she caught him with someone else and divorced him.

What advice would you give to others who are interested in someone who’d ‘taken’?
If someone had told me to stop seeing him I would have said that I knew what I was doing. I’d have said I was strong enough to handle it, but I wasn’t.

It’s a very difficult thing to share a partner with another woman and to not be able to discuss the guy you’re seeing with your friends. You’ll be doing all the couple-y things alone, and checking your phone a lot. We did have some fun times but nothing that I’d ever reminisce about.

I’d just say, if you’re considering it, it really really isn’t worth it. There are a lot of single guys around and would you really want this guy to leave his wife for you, knowing what he’s done to her?

Have any of you been involved with someone who was taken? Any (respectful!) questions for Michelle?

P.S. If you have some unhealthy habits when it comes to your romantic relationships, this might help. And it’s free!

Photo by Elizabeth Tsung on Unsplash

137 Comments

Anonymous

Sadly, I can relate to this story. I was involved with an older married man. Only, I was so swept up by the attention he gave me that it completely crossed my mind to ask him of his relationship status. He was on vacation and we hooked up, but it was after he left that i asked him and he confessed he was still married. I was crushed, but he told me that we could still be friends and what we had was special. A few months later I found myself traveling to visit him and later feeling lower than crap when he insisted we rent a hotel room for the night. The next morning I told him it was over, that it was wrong. I haven't heard from him since.

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Xena

I am dating one rite now, and his wife found out a couple days ago. He hasn’t called in a day now. We would sent upwards of 50-75 texts a day now nothing all day yest he said he lived me and he want in love with her. They’ve four kids. I thought he was a good Christian man just caught in a loveless marriage. Now I see what lengths he went to hide me and it makes me feel so hurt because in the end Im nothing.

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Twinkle

Me and my boyfriend were carrying on since one and half years.. He is married from last 18 years and has a daughter. From the first day we met , he told me he loved me and since then there was no looking back.. He gave me immense happiness, took care of me and always convinced me that he would divorce his wife. He would abuse his wife all the time, making me believe him that I am the only one he loves. He always said he goes home to his daughter and his wife means nothing to him. There were so many instances I tried to break up with him as I didn’t see his efforts towards divorce which made me feel ugly. Finally a day came and he told his wife about divorce. After all her tantrums and drama, she agreed for it asking him to give his big house to her as divorce Alumni. And since her demand, he would constantly tell me his problems and I would provide solution for all his issues. Everyday he would say he loves me and can’t wait to be with me. I told him to start divorce proceedings and he would mention about his daughter and that his wife would need some time to sink and accept th reality. It had been one and half years we were together. So many times I told him to speak to his wife about us but he would freeze. He would make so many promises to me about our future. Finally the beginning of this year, we had fights for an entir week because of his wife and her demands. Then again came a day he said he loves me but thinks we shouldn’t be together , I got so mad and texted his wife everything.. Everything about our love affair and how much he abused her and also called her a whore. His wife acted pretty decently to me when we first spoke and after two days thanked me stating that mine and his fight has made him believe he should be with her. My boyfriend who said who loved me everyday never called me even once after I messaged his wife. We did manage to meet but he would always say that I screwed up things and he is only staying with his wife for his daughter. 5 months have passed and I know he has fooled me. They both hang out nicely together which they never did before. His wife has saved my nos and keeps posting their photographs together and it hurts me so much.. I have cried blood, hit depression and trying to be normal but is so difficult specially as they stay adjacent to me. I don’t u deter and one thing, he always had an option to make his wife happy so why not do it before but at the cost of me!!

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Anonymous

Hi Twinkle your story is the same as mine . Have you ever heard back from this man again ? Lisa

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Anonymous

Hi I am also crazily in loves wid a guy I loves his ways…he told hes married with 5 kids. He ask me if I have found someone and I told him that I’m still in searching for my life partner..he told me then to stick with him and never let go or find someone else…whenever he went out fat for a week for a vacation at the end he always call me to ask wherever I am he rushed just want to pick me up …..before he goes to his house. Or to his wives…we talk about my future my qualification level and so on …he always hold my hand whenever we r in a car and we always got faster into it….i can’t understand….he spend money at the hotel for us to spend the night with…..we were so really into each other I don’t know what would be the outcomes like….

Debbie

I’m right there with you.After 7 years of dating a married man after it all hit the fan and his wife found out…I am nothing to him.He told me every single day he was in love with me and he was mine and that she was only his roommate yet when push came to shove and we were out in the open and caught…now I’m nothing to him. It’s been 4 months now since he stopped talking to me bcuz of his wife who is really the one he loves by his actions but I’m in such emotional pain and he took 7 years of my life from me only to turn around and show me what I mean to him:( He never was mine.He never loved me.He just used me and then threw me away like I was nothing to him when she found out and she is his life..his love..bcuz he never would have treated me this way if I was the one he loves? They just want sex and excitement and use all the romance in the world to get it and to convince us but once they’re caught…forget it..we were just a piece of ass to them..that’s it and the wife is his everything even if there’s something lacking in the marriage..he will Always choose her and I’m sure he hasn’t given me a second thought the last 4 months after a 7 year relationship except to blame me for ruining his life when she found out yet I’m suffering everyday in such emotional pain trying to understand how I could be so stupid to believe all his lies and to let him use me so I completely understand your pain and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through:( hang in there “hugs”

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Tracey F

Your story sounds so familiar t me I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for over a year, and he tells me every day “he loves me”. It scares me all the time that i will be waiting for years, for him to eventually end our relationship once his wife finds out. He says he isnt in love with her, but i spend every Holiday alone, and always feel like I am waiting around for him to call or text me. I am a smart women, but how did i give all my affection to a man who isnt available? our story is exactly what i fear!

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Anonymous

It’s entirely true. Trying to get over mine and I’m 100% sure he lives me and always has.

Anonymous

I know how you feel . Am trying to get over a married man right now . The last I heard from him was his wife was very sick and he couldn’t leave her at a time like this . It’s been one week today and I’ve not heard from him but that’s nothing new he does this alot to me .but am trying so hard not to Kik him

Christine

My relationship to a married man didn’t last long. He was asking me to borrow money and I gave it to him. Then he started asking for gifts that’s when I knew this guy wanted a sugar mama. I broke it off with him. What sux is that he too was telling me he loved me in a week that we were seeing each other. Talked about how bad it was at home. How much he missed me yet never took the initiative to see me. So his actions contradicted his bs words. I know breaking it off was the best thing to do. So why do i feel like I lost?

Tammi L Brown

Christine, I have a similar story, and I too feel lost. I feel lost because I believed the lies and I fell madly in love & fast, even though I knew better. He never asked me for money, but I, like a dumb ass, offered and gave him some when I knew he was low. The “relationship” lasted for 4 months. He told me how he and his wife lived as roommates, he stated there was never intimacy, that he has had a thing for me since we first met 10 years ago, he said we were “planning our life together,” on and on. I fell for every ounce of it. I told him the deception had to end, and he had to tell his wife. Well, he finally did, but he failed to tell her everything. Once she found out about me she did a 360 and immediately started throwing herself at him, and literally claiming him as her property. He suddenly told me goodbye, and though I have not seen him since (it has been a month), he has repeatedly text me apologizing for the hurt he caused me, and professing his undying love. Saying that even though we cannot be together he will live me until the day he dies. He ripped my heart out, and I have struggled with the loss. I’ve come to realize that it wasn’t him I fell in love with, but what I thought he was, but that doesn’t lessen the pain. I have finally stopped responding to his text messages, but it is struggle. My heart is still so in love, but my mind knows that I was played for a fool.
I wish you so much healing in your journey. We definitely need some type of support forum for those of us that fell for someone who allowed us to settle as second best. We deserve so much more.
Blessings,
TL

Lost now

9years with married man who said he loved me. In fact he was my only financial support for 9years. Today he texts me where to pick up my money and that we would be ER be together again. He said in December 2017 while they were on family vacation he purposely left his phone unlocked and she went through the phone saw all our private pics and then started texting me. Her son even threatened me. So today he had me pick up bill money for the month and tell me he can no longer be involved. I lived free in one of his rentals for 2 years. And he was at my house constantly we would go out to restaurants and casino and movies. Even took me on a few over night trips and a week trip a few months ago. Since he’s been my only support and left all texts and pics for her because he wanted a divorce. He just used me as an excuse. I wish I could find a loophole to have him I. Trouble for showing my personal photos and intimate details for 9 years. Anything I can legally do?

Noosa

Mine is similar to yours but was 4years only!
I don’t think these men didn’t love us but when it came to lose their stability and family life they stopped right there as they love themselves more!
I don’t believe that they love their wives since they cheated on them for so long

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Sarah

Omg me to , only 4 months ago after 7 years ????? Iam still so sick , sad , sad .Please I just want the pain to go away . What a liar ?

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Karen Martinez

I totally understand that to, I have been seeing a married man for almost four years, I just recently called him out on his bs that he’s been putting me through, but blames me and said that he does really care about me and loves me. But honestly it was all to just please him and I didn’t figure it out until today, when we first started seeing each other he always made the time for me but the past few months have been one excuse after another. I told him that he is a narcissistic married man, and that we are no longer together nor friends. But in all reality it hurts and I dont know how long it will take for the pain to go away, there are times I wanted to send his wife a email and tell her so he could feel my pain, but if he lied about everything he went feel any pain. I just want the pain to go away

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Wendy

Exactly the same 7 yrs wasted I want him to feel the pain too,

Anonymous

My situation is also so intense, We started our fling a month ago ( know each other abt 5 years) luckily I have not slept with him. It’s only been kisses as I am careful of not being burnt. This is purely a toxic cycle as I am addicted to it. I tried breaking up numerous of times with no avail.

Janet

I understand your pain but it was voluntary. Until he is divorced,he is married and belongs to another.

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Abby

I am in the exact situation right now and so complicated. I fell in love with this married man and we have been together for over a year. He is a very caring and loving man. He treats my son like his own very child and that little boy loves him too. I can swear that this man loves me and I love him with everything in me too but sometimes, love is not just enough! His wife caught us 3 times now by sneaking into his phone to read our conversations via SMS. The first time, he took him about 2 months to come back and we continued our love affairs. The second time, he came back right away, we made a trip and he told me how much he loves me. The third time, I guess the wife came so hard on him. He came over on a Saturday to let me know how hard it will be to continue. We held each other and we both cried like babies.
Honestly, I still love this man and I have not been able to get him off my mind. He has not been calling or texting but if I say I want to talk, he will call. The last time he called, we talked for good 2 hours. He said I should please give him some time to figure things out without hurting anyone concerned.
I know it is wrong, but if he comes back, I might just run back into his arms.
Replies without judgment here will be appreciated.
I do not know what to think but for sure, he is not happy in his marriage. Kids, property are what is holding the marriage together. I am not asking him to leave his wife but it just too overwhelming for me at this time. I think I love/loved him too much and it’s now getting to me real hard.

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Xyz

I think I feel your pain Sis.but listening to my story may make u judgemental but I leave it on you what u think of me.
I have been married since 2010 I was 23 yrs old. I had an arranged marriage. Evrything was fine in the beginning and had kid 2013 and again things were fine but slowly Evrything started dying with husband and told him this is not working between us but he doesn’t wanna let’s go of me because of kid and society and all.we are still together but the story start here now.
I met my best friend 2017 , the one I know since 2009, told him all about my marriage as cnt share with my family as they think it’s me who is not making relationship work and needs to work hard and all. My friend was kind of in similar situation and told me what’s going on in his life and with wife and Evrything. We never planned to date back in 2009as he had a girlfriend who is his wife since about 10 yrs or so. But we ended up dating 2017 as we were the only one could understood eachother and slowly started thinking future together, I again told my husband in November 2018 after 1 and half ur of dating with my boyfriend that I wanna leave him for real, he still didn’t convinced, couldn’t tell him I am leaving for other guy , thinking it will hurt him , as that was not the reson to begin with, wanted to leave the relationship quite a long ago but couldn’t, and being with boyfriend thought got a strong reson now in side me to stop all marriage life and being new. Didn’t tell my boyfriend about me had conversation with my husband as thought he may feel bad that all is happening because of him. It was my solo decision,I was faithful to my boyfriend physically, emotionally, mentally.my god knows that. But certainly not my boyfriend side. November end, he msged me in the morning , that my wife delivered a baby today. That day I felt like it’s an end of my world,, like all of a sudden , giant rock landed on my heart and I cnt breath now, cnt move now. I didn’t tlak to him for few days despite he tried, thought I should give my self time, then one day I asked him, what do we do now, he said sleeping with wife was a mistake and he will never do it again, he was threaten and all to continue physical relationships by wife and he ended up doing and then she got pregnant, and he didn’t know what to do, then he ended up buying house and ended up getting visa for wife’s parents and all stuff. I was quite lost thinking how much a person can do related to just one mistake, thought of trying to understand his , as couldn’t tell him all of a sudden to levae his wife as me still staying with husband. But then I started sneaking around pic of wife’s profile and all ,, could not take the cheating well so told him , if u still feel u wanna be with me,, u need to come out of it. I am Not saying stop helping your wife or kid economically, but staying with them will give u more attachment and will be hard for u, and the other side I do the same in my life so no one has to bare all alone. We can manage kids together as it’s not their fault but other stuff we have to act now before more damages down the road.He said he will, 2 months he couldn’t , 4 months he couldn , now about 6 months he couldn’t . After 4 months and I met him, I was so broken with all his pics, he didn’t want to go to airport to see off wife’s father who was going back to his home, I told him it’s good thing to do,, he is someone’s parent and once was yours too so do it. Now they were taking family pic at airport and wife posting it on What’s app and all quite disturbed me. Told him this is not I told u to go to airport . It take me a courage to sent u back to family as a human and u do things behind my back. I even ended up sneaking in his phone and saw all conversations he had with his wife. It completely broke me. He thinks and told me all those conversations are normal and doesn’t mean anything to him but for me it does a lot. He forget things like our anniversary of dating , but same day he had conversations about other dates he need to go for party with fmaily and all. It kind of set me off after that phone sneaking incident he still says he loves me and he needs me and he wants me. His family back home adores me so much , they want me to be part of their life as they never lived his previous wife and they never talked to her and she never may have done any effort trying to melt in family. Introducing to his fmaily is the only thing makes me believe sometime that he feels for me . Other then that all was just words and words and words ,, no action at all. He kept laying to me, I kept forgiving him. Thinking it happens as I know the wife since many years and she is bit hard to deal with and my guy is soft hearted person. But till when I can do this I don’t know. He is a very good human,, I have seen his best side as my best friend but also has seen when it comes to his wife, he cnt oppose her in nothing wether he likes or not. He is kind of a pet living with wife. I feel his situation to be honest as I live with so called husband legally for whatver reson, but I don’t cheat, I dotn lie and I don’t hurt his the way he does to me. I have told him I can be his friend if he needs me for anything, I am trying to take care of his family as the best I can but, he should only tlak about me and him if he has something really in favor of our relationship or else , don’t tlak about it. He misses me I know, may be he loves me, may be his intentions are to come to me forever. I do understand mistake happens as we are human, but i am human too as cnt keep hurting me forever.
I really need some one to guide me what to do. I belong to a culture where we don’t much tlak about broken marriages, we just live in it. But I am really not quite sure, should I wait for my boyfriend to come out and take step, should I just stay with husband and don’t think about my boyfriend thinking may be marriage will work in future if not now .I am even trying to leave the country as,, this things doent let me live here and crying every day just hurts so much. I understand life is hard and we have to fight ,, but I cnt fight with my boyfriend for his love and his actions, it’s him who has to.
I have to give Chance to some one,, don’t know whom, me , my boyfriend or my legal husband.

Kindly guide me Sis, what could be your suggestion for me.

Dinky

I had an affair for nearly three years then his wife left him, nothing to do with the affair she never knew. He has now gone cold and said we need to just be friends…. lesson learnt

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Tow

I just split with an asian man with a wife and four children. He was seeing me behind her back for two and a half years. Could never trust a person like that. She found out and he dissapeared to Pakistan for a few weeks then holiday with wife and children. When he returned he wants me now. He is still with her though. Bet he begged to stay with her. Spineless scumb who think nothing of us or their family

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Crystal

Yes. I had an affair for 5 and half years. He told me I was the one and I needed to accept he would never leave his wife, well we got caught then he contacted me again. Got caught easier 2nd time. He told his wife he just used me and she seems pretty happy about that and he gets away with everything. I am beyond angry I have lots of things backed up on phone and I want revenge. Probably not the best route but I am hurt and I want him to hurt.

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Anonymous

Hi I was involved with a.guy whom was married. He claimed to be loved with me until he got caught with a text. His wife left him and he told me it was my faulthe told me he never wants to see my face again after five yes. I’m devastated and ashamed.

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Susan. Lee

I am broken my relationship with my ex-boyfriend over 16years ago, I met this old man 70 year old!, in my place I was beautican, he came to my place having treatments with me for two weeks and then we started to got involved, First we got on very well, then we ending up having sex in my house, sometimes in hotel, very often..last one month only!, I noticed he stated to changes.
I very disappointed what been happening, became I been let down, emotional, now I can’t fucus even do any work.
Now I belive he worries about his wife find out about us.
All he excused working too besy running business, he would not like that first we met, he used to calls me 4-5times every day even late night while his wife sleep.
Sometimes I wanted to tell his wife everything about us.

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Teresa

Wow! Where do I begin. I am married, and have caught my husband 5 times. Yes, I am still here. I decided to start seeing other people myself. I got on a married dateing site. ASHLEY MADISON. It is full of married men. I received a message, and decided to meet up. I told him I didn’t want someone that was going to love me or leave me. He made that promise. He is a Dr, and has a sin that is a Dr. He is also a Christian who claims his wife and him don’t have sex very often. He also explained that they were both virgins on their wedding night. We met, and it got rather hot quickly. We made love on our first date. I wasn’t attracted at first, but fell head over heels in love. For almost three years, we made love in our cars, hotels, hotels, and truck stop showers. We couldn’t get enough of one another. I even went on a few one night business trip while the wife was left at home. I even vacationed where he vacationed just to be close. I had a tummy tuck, breast implants, and even a hysterectomy to make myself more loved. I loved him, and I felt his love. I have never felt love from a kinder more compassionate man. On 9//22/18, my world was crushed. His wife got into his phone. He txted me and told me that this would be his last txt. He deeply lived his wife. I have been really depressed with no hope. I finally stated emailing him. We talk, but very little. I tried to date a couple of times, but it’s not the same. I would rather be alone if I can’t be with him. My depression turned into anger. I felt a need to threatened to expose him with pictures and videos. We are making plans to see one another again, but will I ever be happy knowing he is goung to see me only because he doesn’t want to be exposed. Um hopeing thus next date on 12/27/18 Will make him want more. It is hard, really hard when you live someone you can’t have. I’m hopeing one day, we will be rogether.

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Amy

Wow Teresa, I have such a similar story. Found out hubby cheated with over a dozen women so I went in Ashley Madison. I was so surprised at how many married men contacted me. I’ve been having an affair with a married man for almost a year and when we’re together I feel great. But when I go home to my husband I feel awful. I can’t stop thinking about my affair partner even though we have both said we will neither leave our spouses. I don’t know if I love him but I am obsessed with trying to be with him every chance we can.

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Anonymous

I was in a relationship for 10yrs, but suddenly I felt my boyfriend stopped talking to me other than money I was earning and he never had to talk to me anything other than money, to a point he told me not to give money to my family bcoz in future if v struggle financially my family other hand ll not respect us and so on. I was feeling soo much lonely bcoz I was away from my home country without family and my bf…
I was feeling soo much depressed… My collegue who was married started taking me outing.. I was very friendly with him bcoz I was brought up like that… I never thought he ll become soo much close to me… He encourages me supports me in all ways.. I was soo much happy around him.. He made me fall for him with his attitude towards many things.. I started to love him.. All these things made us to start a relationship.. V both know v r cheating our partners.. But still v never felt ashamed of Wat v were doing.. V both love each other.. He never let me feel bad for my choices.. But my bf came to know my relationship.. But I need to live my life single without anyone bcoz I was really depressed.. Even tried of ending my life.. Bcoz of my situation my new bf never allowed me to stay Alone.. He was always with me.. Hid family is in his home town except his holidays he ll be with me always.. I was very happy with my life but nw I feel like I don’t like him talking to his wife Wen he is suppose to be with me.. I m really battling between the good me & bad me.. I wish I should die bcoz I really don’t want to destroy his family… But I m scared of getting Hurted again in my life.. I m trying myself to go away from him.. He is soo nice man I can’t even think of getting someone like him in my life… The truth is god should make me strong for the another lady..i m preparing myself to go through the hardest pain going to happen in my life.. I really don’t ve any idea hw it is going to impact my physical & mental health.. If I succeed in my vision I ll again put a comment in this article..

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Chrissy

A friend of mine had an affair w/a married man.. She broke it off because she thought of the family he had… For me, I couldn't.. the thought that if he fooled around on his wife w/me would mean that one day he would fool around on me w/someone else… Why perpetuate the issue? Too many people are involved who would get hurt especially the 'other' woman..

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Catherine

My best friend spent 5 (7, if you count the on and off dalliances) years with a much-older married man. He had twin daughters. He was her boss at work. He visited her at college, sneaked around all over creation, had her in his house (in his marital bed), used her for money… And worst he told her he'd leave his wife after a long-term breakup in 2006. When my friend didn't immediately let him move into her apartment (she didn't trust him fully, good on her, right?) he went back to his wife because he said he "needed someone to take care of him." Pathetic, childish man. But the worst part is, my friend hasn't dated anyone since. She thinks he "ruined" her conception of relationships. (Her words, not mine.) After reading this article, I might have something more positive to add the next time we talk about him. Thanks 🙂

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mylifereinvented

Sadly, I too must say that this story hits way to close to home. I saw a guy on and off for about a couple of months. At the time I was going to college and working as an RA and he was a local living in town. My job had a lot times where I was on call so he would come over to where I lived a lot and I never questioned it. There was never an official break up. Towards the end I started questioning things because something just didn't add up right. He swore that their wasn't any one else and worst of all he had my friends fooled as well. Shortly after I moved to California to finish college. It wasn't until then I found out he was not only married but had at least 5 children. My friend who worked at a video store met his wife when she came in to rent a DVD with his video card. Argh. I felt lower than life and sick that I would do that to another woman even though I had no clue he was married. Afterward he called me several times, but I had no interest in talking to him and eventually change my number. What happened really turned me off from dating for a very long time.

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mylifereinvented

Sadly, I too must say that this story hits way to close to home. I saw a guy on and off for about a couple of months. At the time I was going to college and working as an RA and he was a local living in town. My job had a lot times where I was on call so he would come over to where I lived a lot and I never questioned it. There was never an official break up. Towards the end I started questioning things because something just didn't add up right. He swore that their wasn't any one else and worst of all he had my friends fooled as well. Shortly after I moved to California to finish college. It wasn't until then I found out he was not only married but had at least 5 children. My friend who worked at a video store met his wife when she came in to rent a DVD with his video card. Argh. I felt lower than life and sick that I would do that to another woman even though I had no clue he was married. Afterward he called me several times, but I had no interest in talking to him and eventually change my number. What happened really turned me off from dating for a very long time.

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Jessika

Unfortunately, sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Passion is a powerful emotion.
Ultimately it is not as simple as saying it's the other woman's fault, it is equally about the man. It is, of course, not the best of circumstances to fall in love with someone already involved in a relationship but then sometimes things happen. It will undoubtedly have consequences for all involved though. Ultimately it will settle in the category of life experience.

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The Naked Redhead

I posted about this very subject awhile back, and got some very heated responses. I think what you've shown us, Michelle, is that having an affair isn't a black and white issue. It's not just about getting your rocks off with some other lady's husband. It's not an issue of "conquest" or the thrill of the chase. In reality, it's a deep, complicated maze of emotions and missteps and I think many women, like you, can honestly answer "I don't know" to why they were even involved in an affair in the first place.

Thanks for sharing this story with us. I do hope that you've had a chance to open up to your friends and get some support.

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JoAnna

I don't know how to feel about this interview never once using the word "cheating" to describe this relationship. I don't want it to be a sensationalist thing (e.g., "Ooo, the dirty slut! I must read this post…"), and I know you've posted another interview about a triad relationship – but I think this interview promotes the idea that all men having extramarital relationships are cheating scuzzbags. It's not until about halfway through that I was sure the relationship was secret.

I'm part of an open marriage currently and it's incredibly difficult to explain to people that, yes, there is a difference between cheating and having multiple partners. Purely being married does not make the guy off-limits or trouble; sneaking around, lying, and imbalance in the relationship are always red flags, regardless of the guy's relationship status.

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Win

I've never been "the other woman." I've only been the woman who was cheated on, so obviously, I'm going to feel very strong negative feelings toward people who have affairs with people who are in a monogamous relationship. It's a greater offense if "the other [person]" knows about the wife/family of the cheating man.

I suppose I have some degree of tolerance for people who have a one-night-stand with a married person for reasons I don't understand, but the affairs that go on and on? IMO, that IS a black and white issue: the married person is not happy with their spouse, they should leave, no matter the cost to themselves–yeah, a divorce is gonna happen, but really, the married person (AND THEIR SPO– USE) deserve it.

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Sarah

I'm coming from a very different place than most of the people who have commented so far – I was the wife of a man who cheated on me with another woman. We are divorced and I'm marrying a wonderful amazing man in a few weeks so I have some distance from the whole experience but reading this definitely took me back to the severe pain I experienced a few years ago. We're talking severe, debilitating, couldn't get out of bed for several days pain followed by months of sadness and anger.

I used to ask myself over and over again why a) he cheated and b) why the other woman would be involved with a married man. Thank you Michelle for your honesty as to why a woman would get involved with a man she knew was married. It sounds crazy but I really did appreciate hearing the other side of the story.

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Anonymous

I've been on all sides of this situation, and all of them are complicated.

The person who is really at fault is the person who's going outside their relationship if it's supposed to be monogamous.

Letting another person treat you badly, in any relationship, is a personal thing – not a "cheater" thing. It is possible to have an affair with a partner who treats you well & fairly, visits as often as you'd like and does things with you.

Would I do it again? No. But not because those relationships were all bad, but because I'm in a different place in my life and I want a partner who is easily accessible and can be present more then my ex was – because of his kids, not his wife.

People choose their relationships, it sounds like this guys was a jerk, and she did the right thing – ended the relationship – when he acted like a jerk.

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fawn

This story made me feel sad, but thanks for having the courage to share it.

I don't see any appeal in being with a man that would treat women (either his wife or his lover(s)) that way, no matter what kind of temporary rush it might give. In that situation no one wins.

At the very least the wife, who was probably hurt the most ended up getting out of a bad marriage.

Happiness is when what you think, say, and do are in harmony. There are kind and honest men out there. Let's stop wasting time with the ones busy living a lie.

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Paper Pastries

You can't help who you like or have a crush on but as an adult the decisions you make should be based on morals. People make mistakes, and anything can happen once. I'm sure Michelle has learned from this. I think the best thing she can do now is be upfront about her past in new relationships. I would want to know if someone I was interested in had been through something like this.

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Anonymous

This is wrong. If she is a better and more moral person in the presenta, I dont think she should share that shady past and actually give herself an opportunity to be loved and respected by a descent single man.

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screwdestiny

"It's so easy to get swept up in someone you like who's showing you attention. But if it's only on their terms it'll make you feel pretty crappy, pretty quickly."

That perfectly describes my most recent fling with a guy. I just broke up with my boyfriend, and was kind of seeing this guy (he wasn't taken though), thinking he'd want more eventually, but I soon realized he didn't, and it made me feel like crap.

I appreciated this story. Hopefully it will help women to stay away from this kind of crappy situation.

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George

Greetings! I am the bad man everyone is talking about! I am married for 3 years and have a daughter, but for the last 2 years some cooling happened and we have no sex or cannot even kiss, but we live together for our daughter. I met a girl who I fell in love with, and have passion for, and when we started dating I could not tell her I was married, since I did not feel emotionally it being the case, and not knowing how far we will go, but eventually she found out and I had to explain things to her, she is hurt, I am hurt myself because she is dear to me and I did not mean to harm her (

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Anonymous

I am the foolish woman who fell in love with you George. Took whatever stolen moments I could and allowed you to treat me like no more than a f&$@ buddy. I felt a strong friendship and my heart got involved. I thought I could show you love and care. Believed you when you said your wife treated you badly. That she hit you. That she was a silver spooned bitch. When you told me you loved me and were divorcing your wife I believed you. I finally see through it all…realize I should have greater respect for myself and that I deserve someone emotionally physically and mentally ready for a real relationship. You had someone special but it was all about you. You must really hate women to be so uncaring.

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melissa-leigh

It's been said, but I really commend the honesty of the interviewee.

Another poster mentioned this, but as much as I think it's unethical to have a relationship with someone who is in a monogamous relationship (whose partner does not know about you and would not be okay with it if they did), the person IN the marriage/partnership who has made vows and promises is the one who should be primarily at fault. I just think it's really obnoxious the way that many times fingers are pointed at "the other woman" when it is the person who broke their vows who should be chastised. Nobody cheats unless they choose to–as evidenced by the fact that this man went on to have other extramarital relationships that ended in divorce.

So all in all, interesting thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

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Anonymous

I am currently happily married. A couple of years ago, before my husband and I were married, we went through a difficult time in college and I chose to fill the hole created by his being busy with grad school all the time with another man, who was (thankfully, in a way,) single. He and I never slept together, but got dangerously close.

After a couple months of sneaking around (she's right, the secrecy of it all is elating) I broke it off with him. My now-husband knows everything– I told him almost the whole story a couple months before we got engaged, and added all of the details before we were married. It is so hard to admit the details because you can see each word you say is hurting the person you love most.

I am glad my husband knows everything that happened, because I know that he still loved me enough to forgive me and marry me. Above all, I am so glad I never got far enough to sleep with that other man. At least it happened before we were married, so I have learned my lesson damn early and will never do anything to jeopardize our marriage.

The lesson to take from it all is, if you don't like the other person enough to break it off with the first person to be with them, you clearly don't like them enough to end/ruin your relationship, which is where you'll end up by cheating anyway. Take advice from a girl who knows, you'll end up feeling like crap; save yourself the trouble.

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Vanessa

I don't know how I feel about this, but I appreciate you doing this interview and Michelle's honesty. I can relate to the feeling of wanting to be with someone just because they're paying attention to you and being nice at a time you need it, though the idea that someone could KNOW someone is "off limits" and allow themselves to cross that line isn't something I have an easy time "getting," you know? On the other hand, I really feel for Michelle knowing that this man, judging from his marital status and other affairs, used her. It's a terrible thing to do to another human being.

I think one of the big lessons here for anyone thinking of being the "other man" or "other woman" is that if a person is willing to cheat on their S.O. WITH you, s/he'll probably cheat ON you. I've always believed this, even though it's one of those things people won't believe is true in the moment.

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Kelsi

Boy, can I relate to the stories in here. I've been all sides of this situation as well. It all felt like a bad movie, really… with the same three characters at the center of the storm and a small supporting cast.

It's not something I'm proud of, but I cannot change the past, so I choose to learn from it. I have been honest with the necessary parties about what happened, and they have been straight with me, so thankfully trust has been restored for some time. I am marrying the love of my life in two months, and I never want to be with anyone else.

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meliasaurus

screwdestiny:
""It's so easy to get swept up in someone you like who's showing you attention. But if it's only on their terms it'll make you feel pretty crappy, pretty quickly."

That perfectly describes my most recent fling with a guy. I just broke up with my boyfriend, and was kind of seeing this guy (he wasn't taken though), thinking he'd want more eventually, but I soon realized he didn't, and it made me feel like crap."

This made me think of the same situation that happened to me. I was seeing a guy and the whole time something seemed very off. Turned out he was dating another girl and some of my friends even knew. So that made me feel really really good.

I'm not getting any pleasure from your pain; but I hope you feel better like I do to know other smart girls can fall into the trap 🙂

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Rachael

I had the opportunity, sort of. About 8 years ago I met a man. We exchanged information and one day we set up a lunch date. At the lunch date he confessed he was married – it was a marriage of convenience – but he was sleeping with her and though he tried to explain "open relationship" he felt she did not understand, due to the language/cultural/religious differences. He ultimately decided to go home. All we did was eat lunch & talk. He did contact me last summer, out of the blue, divorced now. We met for drinks (and I brought a friend along) but nothing bloomed.
That's all there really is to it – *shrug* I have no real emotional investment on the matter.

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Anonymous

Doesn't anyone think The Other (woman or man) has some kind of obligation to let the cheated-on spouse know, at least after the affair ends?

Personally, I think if you get with a married man – that's your choice. I wouldn't judge it. But if after the affair ends, you allow the wife to continue a false marriage on in naivete, then that's the one of worst things you can do. It kinda makes me sad no one has brought it up. I mean, sure it's not really the other woman's problem…but it kinda is a problem she helped create.

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Anonymous

That is not a bright idea. The best thing you can do is shut up and move on. That woman has a cheating husband and most of the time You are Not the only one he is cheating with. Why be the skank that breaks the news. A lot of times homewreckers break the news in a desperate attempt to ruin the marriage or the relationship, they do it for revenge because the married man chooses the wife and not them. So be quiet and move on is the most ethical behavior.

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Jay

When I was living overseas I ended up living with a man (from another country entirely) who eventually proposed to me. When I was seven months pregnant with his baby he disappeared, and it was only several months after going back to my country and having the baby that I found out (through friends) that he had a wife and three kids back in his own country.

I didn't even know he was married when I was with him, but the consequences have certainly showed how something that seems fun can have huge consequences on other people's lives – I've got a little boy who'll never know his father or three half-siblings, and I can only imagine what it's like for him knowing he has twice now abandoned women with his children (even if he did go back to his wife and three kids, he DID abandon them when he was living with me).

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Laura

What a great topic, but reading the interview made my stomach turn with anger.

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Anonymous

Thank you for posting this story. Affairs are not always black and white and I think that this story captures that perfectly.

As with others, it hits close to home for me as well. But in my case, both my husband and I went outside our vows. For us, it ended up saving our marriage and reminded us both why we wanted to be together. But the emotional roller coaster that was involved in the process was so not worth it and draining.

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Anonymous

Wow, this is an amazing story. I've never been involved with anyone who's married, but I've seen how hurtful it could be. My dad cheated on my mom when I was born, of course I don't remember that but I've heard a lot of stories that have really left me in shock. I've also seen the other side. Last year my cousin (who's almost like my sister) got involved with a married man and, although I didn't agree with it, at one point I found myself defending him instead of telling her to end it. In the end I saw how much he was hurting her and tried to convince her to leave him, but she wouldn't. It wasn't until he changed his number and only called her private that she stopped seeing him.
Although it seems so obvious to stay away from these situations, sometimes you just can't help it and I totally understand Michelle, even if I don't agree with what she did.

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Anonymous

I've been working out my own reasonings for entering into a similar relationship a year ago. Although my friends are supporting, none of them really "get it" and I can't help but feel their silent judgment at times. I'd like to thank everyone for sharing their stories and making me feel less like the spawn of satan and more like a normal, albeit confused, person who got involved in a very messy, very effed up situation. <3

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Anonymous

Dear all… I am finding myself in this situation right now. I fell in love with a married man who was in a very bad relationship and decided to divorce 2 years ago. We have been together for 1yr and 4 months. I loved him so much! I still do and recently I asked him for a break… When will he serve her with papers for divorce if she is such a witch!! He has 4 kids, and also is 20 yers older than I am. Wow what a wonderful man, I love him so much, caring, loving, he says that he finally found the ture love he always wanted to have. Someone to love him like I was his dream from the begining. That he never was able to love the way he wanted and neve felt love until I came along… we had a beautiful affair… beautiful… but i was so lost in him that I fogot me… I don't knwo why but I asked for a break, not a break up to date others, some time to think about everything… well, it did not go well! He said how could I? after all this time, after he is going to divorce to marry me! Girls we were talking marriage! (am I still to think that he was?) I asked for a break and what he told me was that I will never get over him… that he does not do breaks… either i am in our out!… that the more time will pass, the chances of us together will be 0… so after the night I asked for a break… i still txt him a little bit here and there.. and actually wanted to see him to talk about this again… until I received a txt msg from him one morning stating to never txt him, call him, or contact him because he cannot bear being without me… he said that he will always love me and that he wishes me happiness I truly deserve…. that's all??!!! The man who said he will marry me? I am his eternal love? Did not even fight for me? He had it good, me 28, no kids, accepting everything, him still living with the witch?? what? how? all I asked was for sometime to sort it all in my mind? He just let me go… because he did it for me…
I read all your stories and its helping me cope with everything, but I am blaming it now on me. That I asked for a break.. I want him to fight for me for once.. I want him to show me his love that he has for me… I see nothing…Can anyone comment if I should contact him and ask to talk or just let it go?

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Anonymous

You gave him an out. Believe me. You did him a favor. He now was able to end it but making you feel like its your fault. He will not leave his wife. He will have no problem starting the affair again but will not leave his wife.

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Nelson

Maybe he was really hurt that after everything you wanted a break when he needed you and felt betrayed. Ever think about that?

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Anonymous

Thanks so much for posting this interview. It happened to me last summer. It was a crazy experience one can get so easily swept up in and can take months and months to get over, even after it has all ended. I finally deleted all traces of him from my email, phone, and any means of communication. It is so freeing.

Lesson learned = never again.

I am happy to learn others have been able to deal with all the questions and emotions these relationships pose.

Thanks!

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Anonymous

Wow! I can easily say I can relate to this story very well. Im dating a guy who is a local police officer in my neighborhood, who is married and has one daughter. Before we started dating, we had a conversation in the past about if we dated, and if it would bother me that he is married. I honestly only saw him as a friend, so at that time I said no it was ok. Also, the fact that he is 16 years older than I am, at first I felt a little weird of the fact of dating someone much older than I am (Im 31and he's 47).Well before we started dating he was completely honest about his marriage.He told me if it was not a problem with me we could date. I had just broken up with my ex, so I kind of felt like I needed someone to be there for me so I would not feel so lonely. I agree to date him, but its been only two months and Im already feeling like I dont mean anything to him. I get jealous of the fact that his wife is first, and obviously I know I cant say anything if I totally agree to this, but it just bothers me .I feel like I have to wait for his calls all the time. He only sees me when he has off duty time. Ive been to his house twice, and I felt hurt knowing that Im in someone else's house which i dont belong in. It bothers me that I might be the reason to a broken marriage and hurt his family. At the same time Im thinking about my happiness with him. I dont want to say I love him but Im afraid that will happen. I even brough up that subject to him. We had a few issues due to some problems im having with my ex and some other friends that I have who he does not like. That is always a problem in our relationship.lately we've been arguing a lot, also because of that he has trust issues with me but I dont know .I feel confused and alone at time. I wonder if he does like me .He tells me that his wife and him are hardly intimate, and that all he is doing is waiting for his daughter to go to college so they can get divorce. I dont believe it, but I really dont know what to do. I dont speak about him to any of my friends. They dont know anything about the fact that he is a married man. Only that he is my partner. My family also knows about him ,but they also dont know that he is married. I feel so confused and alone..

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Anonymous

He will not leave his wife even if his kid goes off to college. You will be wasting your youth and time for nothing. You need to end it now because it will only get harder for you to end it later. Yoy think you have feelings now? It will only grow more as you continue this relationship. Save yourself the heartache now.

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Anonymous

I am the married man in this whole scenario described by the original poster, except I did not disclose that I was married. What started out as a flirtatious conversation ended up in a serious relationship! Not getting enough physical attention compounded the issue. Finally (after a almost a year) I was unable to continue this dual life and I broke up. The girl I was with did some excellent PI work and called my wife and told her what a D bag I was. My wife and I went through a bad year, numerous counseling and our relationship got better. We survived this for six years and my wife died suddenly in a automobile accident two years ago. I was a wreck. About two months ago I started dating again (I am 47 Years old) and I met a real nice person. I told her my whole story and even about the other woman (who is a real nice person also) and how I had jeopardized my marriage in the past. I went and gave the woman (Maggie hereafter) I was currently dating her (the past girl friend’s) cell number so that they could have a chat and get to see and hear about the negative side of me. Maggie made the call and they met at a coffee shop and talked for a couple of hours. Maggie was told how my behavior had completely ruined the other girl’s life and lot of details. Maggie and I are still seeing each other (it had been two months) but I do sense that Maggie is cautious. I am not sure where our relationship will end up, but I have tried to atone and make a fresh start.

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Anonymous

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Anonymous

Im going through a similar situation and i really appreciate this article. I am a married woman, and had a 2year affair with a married man. He's actually a co-worker and used to be my boss. Idk how i can justify my cheating ways for the past 2 years except that my husband had been EXTREMELY abusive. I wanted a divorce but am very religious, and have 2 young children so divorce always seemed just out of reach. My husband has gone through therapy and is doing everything he can to win me back but all i can think about is how badly i want to be with the "other man". Eventually i broke it off because i dont trust him, i feel like he is cheating on ME with everyone. Every attractive girl at work makes me sick to my stomach because all i can think about is him trying to get down her pants.
It has been 3 days since the break up and even though im the one who did it i feel horrible. I want him back, idk why he doesnt try to get me back. I know he obviously never loved me but he faked it so well. He told me he doesnt love his wife. That she changed after they were married. So why didnt he leave her? I know iknow, im pathetic but i have to vent somewhere and i am beside myself. I cant even get out of bed and im sick to my stomach. My husband is so worried about me, im just telling him i think im sick but idk how ill ever be happy again. I know what i did was wrong. I know the "om" doesnt love me for real but it still doesnt help. I feel wothless, ugly, horrible, guilty, SAD. Idk how im going to stomach seeing him everyday at work. Im such a fool. I wonder if he even feels bad.

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Anonymous

He sounds like a serial cheater. You are giving too much of your heart, mind and soul to a man that doesn't deserve it. Your children need you and I know you have been neglecting them and not giving them the attention they deserve. Your whole waking moment is thinking about him and wondering how he feels about you. He will never leave his wife for you no matter what he tells you. Always remember that and stay strong. You are a strong and good woman, prove it to yourself and family.

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Anonymous

I think unless you have gone through this yourself, you won't really understand how complex it is. I've been on both sides of this situation. My mother fell in love with another man and she had his child and despite all of that, my father stayed with her. I don't know if this was the right thing to do. I didn't even find out about this until 10 years ago. But either way, I always thought my parents should have divorced YEARS ago. The thing is, that every relationship is different and depending on your situation, you may end up being the "other" woman. I have fallen for a married man and trust me, I know my feelings are pretty strong and I've respectfully kept my distance and kept these feelings to myself. I guess since I've seen the other coin of this I know what could possibly happen which is why I have held back. On his part, I had a feeling he felt the same but I've pretty much given him the cold shoulder. It's extremely hard to cut off those feelings you have though and at this rate, I am looking for another job. I need distance from this man because regardless of what my brain is telling me, my feelings have not gone away. I pray in time I will be able to look back at it and just think it a memory. But I do empathize with any women who have gone through this. Please stay strong.

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anonymous

I have been in the same situation. At first I was a bit hesitant but I went with the flow and began living him. Unlike most he never promised to leave his wife for me. We dated for four months but I never slept with because of the guilt. Finally he decided to end things saying am the problem, I was really hurt but moved on. Word of advice is stay away from this relationship they never go anywhere he will never leave his wife and kids for you.

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Steven

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Anonymous

I am in love with a married man. I never condoned being the other woman for all the reasons stated in prior posts. I am a very attractive 49 year old woman who is divorced with grown children. I think life throws you choices and situations sometimes and you just have to decide. It is different for everyone. In my situation, I have known this man since middle school. We always had a secret crush on each other. We would run into each other at school reunion functions over the years and I was always left with the sense of feeling that he was the one that got away. He felt the same. I was always happy for him that he was and remained a good man, married with children, a good friend and son. One day he reached out to me on social media and we began talking. He offered to meet me in the city several times for lunch but i always declined. I knew he was unhappy in his marriage but i just did not want to get involved for fear of the door that we would be opening. After a lot of thought, I agreed to meet..I felt at this age, life is half over at best and I needed to know what was between us since life is very short. Neither of us want to hurt anyone.we fell madly in love that day. It has been the most beautiful and respectful love I have ever known. I know one day, I may walk away to avoid pain for all of us. I am prepared if he says to me, he must end it. I have no answers and I have no regrets. If it ends tomorrow, I know I loved the man I was truly made to love. I wouldn't have missed this dance for anything. If by chance he leaves his wife, I will be the happiest woman in the world, yet I love him enough to walk away if I feel that is what should be done. He was separated before..who knows what will unfold. I feel the joy of the love we share is worth the pain of leaving him if he finds he must stay in his marriage. I won't let it drag out for years but I am willing to let this unfold.

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mesi

Your story, your honesty touches me. I have been involved with a married man for almost an entire year. I was suffocating and unhappy in a marriage that has lasted for almost 15 years. This gentleman came along, unexpected. He has given me the best of everything…that he can give. I have given him my best. The issue is that because of his culture, there is no way in hell that he would leave his wife of 25 years. He has made this clear. And I, educated, professional, mother, all that good stuff…and married myself has allowed the moment to take place. He is like petals on my lips and I will miss him when we finally end this. I cry in advance, but my tears…are worth it. Blessings.

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Alive

Your story is a similar one to mine. He was also my “one that got away”. We started this nearly 30 years ago but me in my youth allowed another older manipulating man convince me to leave him. After nearly 30 years of cruelty and violence in this marriage I find myself a widow and this beautiful (albeit taken) man standing once again before me. The feelings are the same as the first time we met as young adults.I have choices also to make.I to thought long about whether to move forward with this and decided that it was as you so nicely put it a dance I wanted to have. I too know he may end it one day, maybe I will, He too has been through seperation before and knows the complexities of it all. Living in the moment is bitter sweet but no one knows what fate has instore, this journey began 30 years ago and only time will tell.

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Anonymous

I am involved with a married man.
We have been having our affair for 10 months.
first I didn’t know he was married. I had fallen for this man. I’d gave him my heart. Then he tells me he’s in an unhappy marriage. They had only been married 3 weeks.
We have been through so much in the last 10 months. We spend Monday to Saturday together every week. We leave each other at the evening time.
We have lost a baby together. We cry as we want to be together. He is my best friend. I feel list and empty when we are apart.
I have never asked him to leave his wife as they have 2 children together. My little boy as met him loads of times and they get on really well. No one knows we are having an affair.
He tells me he’s only with his wife as she saved his life and he feels like he owes it to her to stay with her. But they don’t sleep in the same bed or spend anytime together.
If he’s not with me he’s texting me or we are chatting on the phone.
I’m finding it very difficult this week has they have gone on holiday. He said he didn’t want to go but his mother in law had booked the holiday for a suprise.
I’m missing him terribly. I just don’t know where it’s all going to end.

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Lora

It might end bad because these type of situations never have a happy ending so embrace yourself for the worse. Not trying to be negative but I was in the same situation and felt like the guy was my friend since we chatted everyday and everything in our lives. I never thought he would just leave me and go back to his wife. But that’s exactly what happened. And he kept saying he couldn’t leave his wife because he didn’t want to pay child support. Not a good situation at all and now I’m left with heartache and never heard from the guy again because his wife caught us and tried to get me fired from my job because I was having an affair at the job with her husband so I quit out of embarrassment because she put my business out there. And the wife emailed me to leave her husband alone or else she would press charges against me. So now I’m jobless and left broken hearted. Nothing good comes out of situations like these. These married men just like to string women along for their own pleasure and don’t care about the other woman at all.

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Lora

I had an experience of being involved with a married man and it had lasted almost two years. He was a coworker and he kept hitting on me and at first I started to fall for him but I didn’t know he was married. And once I did find out he was married I backed off from him because I knew it wasn’t right but he kept pursuing me until I eventually gave into him, which I’m not proud of. Well we had sex at the job in the beginning and kept hoping we wouldn’t get caught or fired for it and then we eventually went to his house once while the wife was at work. I felt bad for it and everytime I told him that I wanted to end the affair he wouldn’t allow me too. He kept begging for me to stay with him. And then one day his wife took his phone while he was asleep and read an email between me and him about having sex and she went crazy on me. She went to the job and told HR on us and then she emailed me for two days straight and kept trying to meet up with me to fight but I refused. And then she forwarded all the emails between us to HR to make it worse for me and embarrass the hell out of me. And to make it even worse her husband had the nerve to tell his wife that I knew he was married the entire time and kept pursuing him and wouldn’t leave him alone. And that he never liked me or wanted me. So the wife involved some of her family members to email me and make threats to me saying for me to leave the guy alone and even when I sent them emails of the married guy telling me he loved me the night before, they still believed his bs lies he was telling them. I guess anything to save his marriage so he made me look bad and told his wife and family that he only said he loved me and missed me everyday because he was fucking with my mind but never ever liked me, that he just used me for sex. And he also said that I was nothing but a mistake, when I was the one who tried to break it off so many times and then he tried to flip it and make himself look innocent. So because the damage was already done at my job I ended up quiting before they fired me because HR called me in questioning about the emails the wife forwarded and I was so embarrassed because I knew that the entire hospital would know about it. And then I heard that the married guy also quit two days after I did because he was also questioned by HR about our situation and I’m pretty sure he knows he was guilty also. So I tried to email him for the last time to tell him how I hate him for ruining my job and life but his wife emailed me back telling me to leave her man alone and not to email him anymore or else she would press charges. She’s a stupid woman because she stayed with him and she even admitted to me that her husband cheated on her 4 other times in the past but she stayed with him because she loved him and they have 4 kids together. I am not proud of what happened but I did learn my lesson, never again will I put myself in this situation with a married man. And I was hurt by he denying me and making me look like a desperate woman when he was the desperate guy chasing me around and wouldn’t leave me alone. Its been hard trying to get used to not hearing from him anymore because he used to text me every morning and every night. And sometimes thru out the day saying he was thinking of me and missing me and how much he loved me. I guess I was the fool to fall for his bullshit lies. Valuable lesson learned here.

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Anonymous

My name is also michelle.i had an affair with a married guy 20 yrs older than me. Im 30 and his 50. It ended bad. I developed an intense feeling towards this guy.he broked up with me and i was devastated.i keep on calling and txting him but he doesnt rply and worst he changed his celphone number,though i know where his working but im afraid to go there because none of his officemates knows about us. He even joke me once that i looked like a teenager because of my petite body. We were always mistaken as father and daughter of people who dont know us. I miss him so mch and im dying to see him.i jst cant get him out of my head. What will i do now?

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Bristi

It indeed is difficult but honestly forget him. He has no respect for you. Foundation of any relationship is mutual respect and he doesn’t care about your emotion. Its easier said than done but if you brood you will only torture yourself, he is not affected. If you want to teach him a lesson again you will be at the receiving end as he will make excuses and escape. Ignore him and move on. Life will surely bring better time for all of us

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mule

true listen to the advise and move on its a lesson for you especially that he cannot even answer any of your calls.

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Al

Find an available man. There are plenty of them out there. How would you like to be married and another woman sleeps with your husband? How would you feel? Think about it…. Then do unto others as you would want done to you.

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Broken Hearted Man

I’m the Brokenhearted husband, that got left behind. My wife (who I love dearly), we were married for 15 years. The last three of our marriage, apparently she had a full-blown affair with a friend of mine (married), that was also a business associate. It took me years to grab this business contract, I was making us the most money I’ve ever earned for several years with that company. Now during our last year of marriage, that’s when I had that feeling the most, and started accusing her of cheating and it got to a point where she end up leaving me out of the blue. I lost that business contract, I lost my home, I went homeless, I was a mess, depression and rock bottom, embarrassing to say, I even tried to take my own life. When It got to a point where we fought (never physically), so much, we argue so much, and because I had no proof whatsoever, I felt that it was all my fault. Well several years later I come to find out she was cheating on me after all, and to know that it was with my friend (same married man), that was part of this business contract, well, now I know why I lost the contract. Just to get straight to the point of this ending story. When she left she was pregnant, so to this day, I still don’t know, if the baby is mine or his. I’m still dealing with all the embarrassment. He never left his wife (after 4 years with my X), so she’s all alone right now, broken hearted. And of course, I’m still alone broken hearted as well. Honestly I tend to stay like this (single), because I have trust issues with women, and I know everybody says, that all women are not the same, but right now, I choose this kind of life. Hopefully I’m a perfect example (crying), for all, of what happens to a broken hearted husband, when you have an affair. I’ll tell you truly, that I was so in love with my ex (I miss her so much), I gave her all my heart, and embarrassing to admit, I still do….

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Bristi

It is a difficult situation for me as I am alone and deep down inside also looking for someone who will love and care. Its not easy to find a match. So when a married person approached me with lots of affection, love and promise of a life long friendship its very alluring. However, I have a strong sense of guilt for his wife. Mostly he would describe how pathetic his marriage became, how unhappy he was and how desperately he wanted a soulmate. Being emotionally vulnerable, it is difficult for me to close the door on his face but I can’t take my mind out of the situation so its a lot of emotional pain for me. I like him a lot but also very hesitant to take any step forward. I do not know if I am missing a good opportunity of a nice future or really taking a wise decision by avoiding such invitation.

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Hoping for Forgiveness/Ashamed

Hello. I’ve recently gone through a bit of a rough time myself. I’m 25 years old and one of my married coworker’s began flirting with me and I fell in his love spell. He surprised me from the start because he seems like the perfect gentleman, but he’s married with two kids and says he’s unhappy and he cheats on his wife. I shouldnt have allowed myself to get as involved as I did, but was caught up in his affection for me and I wanted to feel loved.

We’ve been seeing each other off and on for the past three months and he even told me he loved me and that he was considering leaving his wife for me. Then he takes it back, then he tells me he loves me again, and now he just wants to be friends. It’s super complicated, but I’m finding the strength to accept it and move on. It sucks that I have to still work with him, but I am looking for a new job anyway, so it won’t be for much longer, I hope.

Anyway, my question for all of you is this… One day, I hope to meet the true man of my dreams, get married, and raise a family. Do I confess everything about this part of my past? Or do I keep it secret so as not to jeopardize my chance at a happily ever after? I know that it is crazy selfish of me to think that I still deserve happiness, especially because of what we did, but I hope that if there truly is a God, that He will forgive me. I’m just scared that my future significant other wouldn’t be so quick to forgive. What I do know is this, what I did was so extremely wrong and I will never allow myself to be blinded by “love” like this again.

Thank you in advance for your words of advice!

I know that from now on I’m going to be thinking with my brain instead of my heart and I will never allow myself to get into a situation like

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Hoping for Forgiveness/Ashamed

*this again.

I just feel like whenever Mr. Right comes along, I will have wanted this whole situation to have become a part of my past that I don’t want to remember. I wouldn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t trust me. When I find “the one”, it will be forever. I could never go through something like this again.

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LIFELESSONS

I found myself involved with a married man. It’s not something you plan. It’s not something that can be pre-meditated. It just happens, and the deeper you fall into the situation, the harder it is to free yourself from it.
Each time I’ve seen him (in his own terms because obviously he had to prioritise), I beat myself up about it. The guilt of it would crush me. It would get so strong sometimes and I would consider ending my life, telling myself that no one deserves to live after committing such a terrible act.
I’m a virgin. I’m 23. I was waiting for “the one” to come along. I had all these plans about he and I. And I had “morals.” I judged women who saw married men. It was all black and white in my view. You either did it or you didn’t. You had a choice. Simple as that.
Until I was caught in the throes of passion with this man. Unplanned. Unintentional.
The attraction was so potent.
At first, I actively fought against it. He would ask to see me, and I would tell him upfront that I’m not about to see a married man. I told him that I really liked his wife (Yes, I know her. She is a wonderful person) and that although I feel somewhat attracted to him, I won’t do that to her.
Feelings won me over.
Passion is not to be underestimated. Desire washes away any sort of moral behaviour you might have set for yourself. Things happen. Control gets lost.
I didn’t let him penetrate me. It would have felt like the ultimate betrayal.
He’s the first man by far I had full contact with. First kiss. First everything. Really intimate things that I had envisioned doing with “the one.” Tragic how things seldom go according to plan.
I guess the message I’m trying to deliver is that, the phrase “never say never” is not just a meaningless cliche. Also, if you are going to judge someone, put yourself in their shoes. If one is so full of morals and ethics, then one must also consider that one is being hypocritical when they are in judgement of another.
Judgement is not reserved for any of us here. My own experience taught me that.
Thank you for sharing your story.
At least now I know I ‘m not the only one.

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waiting for forgiveness

Sadly I’m going through that right now I was having an affair with my ex boyfriend who now is marry and is going to have a baby. He was my first love and was the only guy that made me feel special. So I was stuck in a fantasy with him and I knew I was doing wrong but the feeling he gave me made it really hard to stop talking to him. Until days ago his wife caught him and well now everyone is against me and I know I did wrong but I think everyone should get a second chance. I’m honestly waiting for my second chance so that the people I love the most will forgive me.

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charmaine

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Miranda

I must admit robinson.buckler @ Yahoo. com is really a genuine man when it comes to getting an ex back, i never believe that my man will ever come back to me not after the wonderful work done by ROBINSON BUCKLER, my man is now with me he loves me like never before. What could i have done…

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Kate

Its happening to me now. I started dating a married man a few months ago and barely two months into it I fell pregnant. I asked for an abortion he stopped me claiming he wants us to have the baby. He is supporting me and we aren’t experiencing any serious problems except for normal relationship squablles I just don’t know what transipires as time passes by. My expectations aren’t high though, I just feel I have to prepare myself for the worst situation taking into account what many people in my situation have experienced so far. Am 34 and he is 48.

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Anonymous

I was looking for a different end story as to the situation of relationship with married men. That somehow someone out there did really ended up well and happy with the married man like getting divorced with the wife and marrying her or even leaving his wife for her. I know and I am aware that the process can be hurting and painful. But time heals all wounds and everyone gets back on their feet again. I’m in a relationship with a married man right now and I am also married, anyone reading this would surely say I’m a stupid, crazy fool, but I respect their opinion. I broke up with my husband because I can’t stand going to bed with him when my thoughts and in my heart, another man is there. So we talked, he got me to saying I don’t love him anymore and that I stayed in our marriage for the children and his support. I answered there was nobody involved when he ask me if I am in love with somebody else and I did not tell my married man about my talk with my husband. Now I am still in a relationship with my married man, he’s my coworker and we see each other everyday and work together. I know he will not leave his wife, she is an OFW and is now home in between contracts. I never realized how painful my situation is until now that she is literally home with him. He is open to me about his family life, he talks about it and confides in me with problems about his family (wife and children). And I do what I can do to give him advise and help him. We go out secretly and often says he loves me and I do too. I’ve been analyzing my feelings for him, why I allow myself to stay in this kind of relationship, giving up my husband for him, lowering my self esteem for him feeling hurt most of the time (it was not the case until recently), I’ve broken out in anger one time and regretfully broke up with him but I felt worse living without him than staying with him so I decided to take it back and it was then I realized I’m so into him that even if it hurts I’d do anything for him. We got back together but everything changed since then, he’s not “into me” like before, although he still does some of the things he used to do. I often browse the internet, in the hope of a good advice or something to enlighten me, make me wake up from this. I even pray for guidance. I have acknowledged in myself that I love him and that I will stay with him for as long as he wants me to. There are times that he unknowingly hurts me and I just hide that pain or if he sees it he says sorry and its forgotten. I have learned to live with it, quite sad, my life is, but I rationalize, that’s up to me to be affected by this small things or small words. That is my daily prize for being in this relationship, to be hurt and insulted by other people unknowingly. Right now, I focus on my work, my children, and him, hoping for a miracle in the future, that I might have the chance to be truly with him and if it does not come or if this relationship ends, then I take it that i will be alone but I’m never going back to my husband instead maybe meet a new one, who can share his life with me openly. This is my life now….

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lifelessons

It rarely ends well, a relationship such as this one.

I relate. I am in that situation. When we started seeing each other romantically, I will admit that those were the best months of my life. He gave me his attention. He made me feel so special. He showed me affection in ways that I had never encountered since the day I was born. He gave me intimacy, a shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic ear. He talked to me well into the early hours, called me and spoke to me for hours which felt like minutes. I let my guard down, and too late, I realised that my heart is his, and there is not a damn thing I can do to change that.

It is so easy for a third party to throw moral ammunition at people such as myself and bombard us with advise to just end it, and that is because those people have never been in a situation like this. It’s not practical for me to just end it. Ending the relationship is ending my reason for existence.

The worst part of this is that he is my first. After some reluctance and resistance, I finally gave him my purity, my innocence. I am in love with him and I don’t know what to do.

Where he used to talk to me everyday, most of the time the whole day, he now actually goes the whole week without doing so much as checking up on me. He then out of the blue sends an impersonal message, to which I respond, and never get a response back. Our conversations have shortened, and at times he actually completely ignores my texts until a couple of days later, when he sends something to me that is completely unrelated to what I had asked him all those days ago.

He calls me occasionally. The calls aren’t as long either. After I gave him my virginity, he never asked to rendezvous with me again, to this day. I asked him where I stand with him, and he told me that nothing has changed, that I occupy the same space in his heart.

He no longer tells me about his days. I have no idea what he gets up to. He used to inform me even when I did not ask.

I am hooked. I don’t know how to get out. I think about him every waking hour to the time I shut my eyes. I long for him every single day. I cry myself to sleep and wake up with an aching heart everyday.

He had said he would never hurt nor neglet me, but here I am. His dirty little secret who now has to pick up the thousand broken pieces of her heart all on her own, that I would willingly place back into his hands, while he moves on with his life, his little toy forgotten.

I wish I could rip him out and away from my heart, but he’s there for the long run, it seems.
Such is my life.

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Dorcas

My husband parked his stuff out of the house and choose to stay with a girl he met in club, this made me so sad to the extend i was no longer thinking straight but when i read some good reviews about Dr MACK, i contacted him through the Email i saw on the reviews email:dr.mac@yahoo. com And through the help of Dr Mack, my husband quit his relationship with his club girlfriend and he is now fully back with me…

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Anonymous

I am that wife who has been cheated on before ,my husband chose to cheat and hurt me when i was pregnant , i forgave him , he broke things off , but now i am starting to suspect that he is cheating again even though i have no proof , just my instinct , i wish the OTHER WOMAN could bear with us wives and let us know , because if my husband is cheating again i am going to leave him this time around.

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Serpentina

Thanks for your stories everyone. In my case I was the other woman because he told me he and his wife had an agreement, that it was an open relationship and she just doesn’t want to hear the details. I met her, I thought it was all cool until she saw our text messages four years into our relationship and she went ballistic. He didn’t call me for a YEAR, he finally got a secret phone and is trying to call me again. He tried to get me to have his secret baby and a secret second marriage ceremony. Of course I said no and told him he was mentally ill. And of course there is the heart wrenching feeling of spending holidays alone and not being able to share the joy of your love with your community. I feel disgusted by myself, and I feel even more disgusted because I still love him. I have a nice boyfriend now, I want the married man to go away. He is a VERY selfish person, he has driven me almost to suicide. His friend committed suicide this week, and he told me he is mourning her. Ironic because he has no idea how close I came and it was all because I wanted someone to truly love me for me. He told me he was going to open me up, to show me love like I had never known. Well, he did but it is not real love, just sex. Real love is being there for your loved ones in their time of need. Lost my house twice, who was there to help me? Not him. He won’t even help me with money even though he makes a lot. I have to beg or massage him. I thought he really loved me, but it is a sham because he will always go back with her, he will never leave her, if I told her right now it would probably only make them closer, as these stories make me realize. They have 2 kids. He probably would never talk to me again if I told her the truth. Coward. And of course I have no resources, I don’t own property or a house, and this mother F. has multiple properties in multiple countries, I get nothing but wasted time, a broken heart and no resources, no health insurance, nothing. I only have myself to blame. I am very sorry to his wife, I really thought they had an agreement. Sometimes I want to tell her just to get back at him but like I previously stated, it will probably only make me the monster and me get blamed and make them closer. Not to mention the fact that yes, I agree, the way you got them is the way you loose them. It is a big red flag to score a married guy and a huge liability if he wants to eventually marry you, how can you ever trust him again? This is not love, it is a sickness.

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katriina

My best friend has been fooled around by her husband that she didnt realized her triplets sister involved in this love triangle, how do you feel when betrayed by your own part soul your friend when you birth whos the one that you can trust

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Anonymous girl

I can relate somewhat. I was at one point the betrayed wife and much later the other woman. I honestly can’t believe I allowed myself to be with a married man after being cheated on but like the writer says, it’s easy to get caught up in sneaking around. In my own marriage, we had been together a very long time and I was with him all through his military career and school and then he got offered a high paying job, met her, and I was no longer desired. He married her almost immediately after our divorce but the both tried to convince me (or themselves) that there was no affair.

As for me, many years later I ran into an old friend and we just talked and said something about he and his wife should double with me and my man. We never did and I doubted I’d see him again anyway. I split up not long after and one day my old friend called. He sensed something was up and I just told him about the split. Not for any reason than because he asked. We spoke a few more minutes and that was that. I guess about a week later he called me again and he told me he wasn’t gonna say anything the last time because he didn’t want to take away from my problems but he too was split up and they had separated. We started just talking regularly and texting and one morning he wanted to meet up for coffee. Coffee turned into sex and it didn’t take long before we were naked every morning together. That was until his wife found my number in the bill and called me. Apparently they weren’t apart yet and she wanted answers. I lied and told her that was crazy and we were just friends. Nothing more. I told him we needed to stop because if he was still living there with her I couldn’t justify seeing him.
Sadly he came by my house one morning and when I opened the door he just lunged at me with a huge passionate kiss and I was again at his mercy. I couldn’t stop. He told me he was falling for me and I bought it. We kept it up another few weeks but nothing on his part changed and I finally gave him an ultimatum. I had no right but at the time I didn’t care. Was he happy with his wife? Not in the least. And I could tell anyone why because she was awful but so was I for sleeping with her husband. He wasn’t leaving her because of their son and I wasn’t coming between him and that child. I had kids too. I ended it. And never looked back.

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Annoynounous

I’m involved with a married man. Long story short, we work together and I knew his situation and he knew mine. We were both cheating on our spouse. I told him straight up, I do not want him catching feelings for me nor do I want to talk about anything that involves our feelings for one another. He made it seem it would not be a problem. I told him if he would to have sex with anyone else at work to let me know that was the only rule. He did sleep with someone else at work and what was shocking about it was he felt so guilty. He couldn’t look at me or talk to me. Right after he had sex Jen the other girl, he turned cold on her. He acted like I was the one he was married too. It did Bother me but i didn’t show him it did. I just kinda brushed him off and was distant for a while. Well, his wife found out about his affair with the other girl. They are getting s divorce now, selling their home and found their own apartment. They do not have any kids together. He does say crazy stuff like, he wishes he would have met me a long time ago, deep down he wanted a divorce ever since me and him got involved, he would have kids with me, marry me and wants to date me outside of work. I just don’t respond to him and change the subject.My best friend at work told me it’s obvious he always had a crush on me and now it’s clearly obvious he’s in love with me. At this point I’m not even sure if I’m just to cold or to scared to figure out how I fell truly about him.

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Anonymous Lady :}

Been there, not sure if i’m still there,, he is still there, I’m soooooo confused but that guilt is so haunting me. Worse part he is my BOSS and no I’m not his PA. I hate this like how my feelings are driving me crazy about him. Oh yeah the most WORST part he proposed and asked me to be his 2ND WIFE imagine……………DEAD!

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Anonymous Wife

I am a married woman currently dating a multi-millionaire business married man.. He is 16 years older and we have been dating for ten months. I hate that I love this man soo much and he has taken me to places that I would never had gone without him. I have been married for 27 years and my husband has never spent the time emotionally or physically as this man. His wife was sick for a period of time and when I see her pictures on social media, I want to back away from this relationship! He loves her and I know this and do not expect him to leave her nor will I leave my husband. I think each day, how will I make it without his love and attention. I question if I am in love with his generosity and attention or am I truly in love with this man. I am happy to find a website that allowed me to share this relationship with someone!

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Just Another One

After reading all these accounts of married men chasing after other women, etc. this is my take on it. The single woman, who had not made vows, is free to do as she wishes. The MARRIED MAN who made vows to be faithful to his wife is the most wrong. IT’s true that when a woman or a man knows the other is married, they know it’s wrong, however, they are not the one who took solemn vows to be faithful to the the one they legally, lawfully are married to. F.Y.I. ~ Separated is STILL married. Married is a legal term, legal status, NOT a romantic state of being. When a married man seeks company with a woman who is not his wife, he is more in the wrong. He KNOWS he’s married when he is lying, saying he is not.

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Soft and Weak

I was with a married man, 16years my senior. We were together for about 1.5years. I always doubted him as he always seemed to be lying and hiding something from me. And he always mentioned that he could not commit to me because he might find another woman (to be his mistress). One month back, we ended things. But he saw me at work recently (same company). And he started texting me again. Saying he missed me and loved me. But again saying he could not commit. I told him I did not want to be a fling or lust to him. And guess what? He stopped replying me. Whenever he wanted to pull a plug, he would radio silent me. Rinse and repeat. I thought I was coping well after the breakup. But now that he started all this again, I’m very affected once more.

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Can't Reveal

I’m in a relationship with a married guy right now, I don’t know how exactly I got into this but we are so much compatible and we think the same way maybe that’s why we got so attracted to each other that we ended hooking up, I like him so much and I think he has some feelings for me too but dating a married man is not so easy.. I can’t even text him directly when i miss him, we cannot hangout on weekends, I feel terrible whenever he does anything for his wife..he couldn’t do anything for my birthday because of his wife and now i see him planning for his wife’s birthday. I feel so broken.. I don’t know should I continue this or not..I work with him now but he’s saying he would be leaving this company next month and after that i don’t know if he’d still be like this , would he continue this relationship ? I’m so confused i don’t know what to do…But whenever i feel sad or get angry on him he completely breaks down so some of these things confuses me whether he really has feelings for me? Please suggest what Should I do

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Anonymous

I have been dating a married man for about a year now and i didn’t know he was married in the first place he was the best thing that happened to me and i love him with all my heart the day he told me he was married i tried breaking up with him but i was already pregnant and i couldnt leave him because i come from a Christian family it would have been difficult for me to get pregnant out of wedlock.he tells me he loves me and there is nothing on earth he doesnt do for me, he has a wife and 2 kids and he has made it clear to me that he loves his wife and never wants to get separated from her and he provides for his family and spoils his wife with his every little Sweat.When i was 2 months pregnant he went to my family and paid my bride price even though he ddnt finish they know him as a son in law though m still staying with my mom.When he found out i was pregnant he was the happiest man i had ever seen and he pretends as if he has never seen a pregnant woman before he is so happy but I AM about to deliver and im scared what i will tell my baby when he is born and im always lonely all the times i even cry myself to sleep sometimes because i need to accept the hard truth that he will never be mine.Sometimes When his wife spots us he blames for it indirectly though i never ask him.He is so jealous and never wants me to be with other guys and i love him so much that i dont have eyes for other guys… What should i do?

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Bright

I started a new job almost a year ago, immediately developed a small crush on a coworker who I thought was single and really thought I felt vibes coming from him too. I’m naturally shy so I never went out of my way to talk to him much. Took a few weeks of overheard conversations to realize he was actually married. I still found myself wishing he would make excuses to talk to me. Until a few month later I became romantically involved with a good friend. It’s a long distance relationship but we love each other a lot. I found myself quickly over the work crush, except on the rare occasion we would end up talking just the 2 of us, whether just chatting or discussing actual work, I still get nervous and feel something coming from him as well. Not knowing what he actually thought of me I told myself it’s probably just my own nerves putting ideas in my head that he giving off some vibes too. Recently I got promoted at work and my new position has us interacting a lot more than before. I ended up texting him the other day for the first time asking about a mutual work friend we are both concerned about. I wrapped the subject up pretty quickly but he’s been texting me regularly ever since. On Monday in front of other people in passing he asked how my weekend was even tho he texted me through half of it. So now it looks like he’s deliberately hiding that we talked outside of the office.
If I return the question and ask him how he’s doing he usually casually mentions arguing at home (with his wife). From the beginning to the present when mentioning his wife/marriage he always emphasizes that they always argue and also said he’s mainly there for their kids. I know this could be a regular MO for a cheater. A friend at work told me she thinks he cheated on his wife before but she never told me why she thought that. This guy is actually remarried. His 1st wife and he have kids and divorced for some time and he had married someone else and then they got divorced and eventually he went back to the 1st wife, and now their kids have a few years of school left. There’s no one I can ask or talk to about this since we all work together. I’ve been very happy with my boyfriend even tho he’s really far away and only visit for a couple weeks every few months. I don’t know why I couldn’t let go of needing to know if this coworker crushed on me at all. And then now this. I’ve been cheated on by my ex m-husband. I’ve always been adamantly against any cheating. Nothing has even happened, technically not even any flirting, but I’m worried about something developing or coming out of nowhere and me not being able to resist all because of a stupid crush.

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Mike

There is someone forgotten here guys like me – my wife had a affair with a married man he was 17byears older. I found out quite by accident and was sanguine at the time but put it down to shock. She said it was me that drove her to it and he said all the right things and pressed the right buttons . It went on for months but she at first said it was just lifts home from work but when they got caught they were making out in his car. It was later I found out he was married with 2 children and my wife believed the usual lies that his wife did not understand him – they did not sleep together- she knew he would go with other women -quite what my wife got out of it – just some nice words and sex (although she says they never had sex ) she said she touched him he touched her.i will never get the full truth she claimed up said it was a mistake he has vanished from her life as far as I can tell and she wants to move on as if nothing happened. She was the love of my life the mother of our children she had everything except romantic words – I cannot bring myself to touch or kiss her she has destroyed a marriage and for what it’s more than sad

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Wendy

Man at work started stopping by, dropping off chocolates and we talked platonically for 6 months before he started conversations by company instant message.

I was single and lonely and started looking forward to his regular attention. He suggested we start texting. This went on platonically for another 2 months until he asked me for dinner in invitations outside work hours. And I thought what a gentleman – he never hit on me all that time.

From there we met in evenings for movies, dinners and walks. We started getting physically intimate which went on for 3 more months. I craved and loved the affection and hugs the most. Sexually he was rather awkward and stiff. He tried manual stimulation many times but I was never aroused at all. I pretended to like it though to feed his ego.

I knew this would end eventually. Suddenly he didn’t ask me out as often and I wondered why. He gave the BS thing about being busy or tired. Then he stopped asking but was still really friendly at work. He waited for me to come in to work and hold the door plus some lunches.

Then I got really angry when he started talking about wanting to hang out with another co-worker who was married too. He announced she had been a good friend for quite awhile but was turning down his invitations.

After I heard this I was done! How insensitivity to say this after all the intimacy we shared. Sure it was only an affair but I developed feelings and became very attached.

Now I don’t answer his texts or talk to him at work. I was played for a fool as it appears he had other women in the office o the go while seeing me. I should have known.

Now I am going through withdrawal hell and feeling rotten about myself! Accepting
morsels of his time and waiting around for when he had time to squeeze me into his schedule.

I was totally used and now I have to endure him lurking around at work every day! I feel like going on sick leave for depression. I can’t handle this!

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Gone Girl

Our stories are all the same. I thought my guy was different. We met on a cruise on New Years Eve. He was with his 14 year old son. He explained that he was separated for 6 years ( 6 years ago he was asked to move out of the bedroom and 3 years ago , His wife moved his things into the house next door). He did it all for his son. We became friends on the cruise and I went on an excursion with them. I should add that I was there with a Singles Group. Oy
He and his son even drove me home ( asked to be dropped at local Starbucks). He lives in San Francisco and I live in Los Angeles. We became friends and were chatting and texting up a storm. He showered me with gifts and trips. It was intoxicating. He was resigned to staying in this life until his 15 year old had graduated. As we got closer, I let him know that he needed to file for divorce for us to continue. I gave him until New Years Eve. We took vacations. I learned that his wife wanted him back. He had to take emotional steps with her before divorce ( what’s that).
In November, he finally got his family in therapy. The son , now 15, lives with him. He takes care of all the finances. I’m sick of this crap. He still has not filed for divorce. I’m getting physically sick. Oh, he also plays poker. Bigger eye roll. He was due to come out for part of Thanksgiving but a big tourney came up and he messed up the dates. His wife claimed the Wednesday to Sunday part. The son didn’t go. He is a pill ( hard to swallow). Married man sent Peking duck and a Chinese feast to apologize. I also had the choice of him flying me out to San Fran to support him ( hard pass).
I have become the worst version of myself. He is unhappy ( but not unhappy enough to do something).
He still lives next to his wife. Still finances are not separated. He plans her vacations ( without him) as finances are still together. I lost it yesterday. His family is hosting Hanukkah at their country club and she has to go for the son. Huh? So you are going to family therapy to process the soon to be divorce but she has to come to Hanukkah. How does this help the 15 ( soon to be 16 year old)?
I sick of his bullshit. He moves at a snails pace ( snails move faster). He is a people pleaser. I compare it to ripping off a band aid. The way he is doing it is slow and painful. My friends are sick of hearing me moan and complain. Everyone says RUN. If he wanted to be divorced, he would. He feeds me crap like “ first therapy and then mediation.” I literally can’t tolerate him. He is a good man but spineless. I deserve better.
I thought we had a future. I believed that he loved me.
Yes, I am gone girl. Any “ non cruel” comments appreciated.

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Anonymous

I loved a married man with all my heart. We met when I moved to a small town and became best friends 2 years later. He was on disability but he did everything for everyone. He worked a lot under the table and paid everything in his marriage. His wife knew about me and would threaten to have his disability cut off if he ever left. They had no kids and she was involved with her female best friend. The did nothing together and he called his wife his room mate. The whole town knew about us. He didn’t hide his vehicle at my house every day and anyone who saw him with me or saw him speak about me knew how he felt. My family knew him and he was like a father to my children. I knew as long as he was in my life I would never not have him even if I met someone else. He passed away with a heart condition back in september and after his sisters started asking me things. His one sister sent me a text and asked if we were in fact more han friends. She prayed we were because then she knew he passed away knowing live and having a family and children in my children. We miss him every day and honestly I wouldn’t change what I had if I could go back but I wouldnt look for that again. But I believe everything happens for a reason.

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Anonymous

I’m. Soooo sorry to read what u wrote. I’m really so sorry. :(((( Hugssssss to u.

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Cynthia

Hi, I think I too am now getting into something which I cannot understand. My husband is in love with another woman and after 15 years I decided to grant his request and let him go so we are getting a div this year. We have a teenage daughter who is very understanding abt the situ and is on my side. They communicate often and she’s OK with what’s going on though she is sad that things rnt working between her parents. He and I got along so well until we had to move from. Each other due to some responsibilities and he had to travel around. So he used to flirt and spend time with others. I knew this and yet forgave him. I was faithful to him. Everyone who knows us thinks that we are perfect together but he has told me. For the last 2 years he has no feelings for me anymore. But he provides for me. And wants me to be strong and also move on in life. Now the issue is this. Currently we have filled for div. 3 months ago I met this guy and he started texting me and calling me. We ar. Eof the same age too. And we have so much in common and its crazy how we relate to things of the past and I gave myself into texting him everyday. And we meet once a week to walk and we chat we laugh sooo much. He’s brought so much happiness in these few months and helped. Me get my stress out of me. We know our limits etc. But the issue is he hid something from. Me. For 4 months. 🙁 he is married with 3 cute sons. His wife is young but doesn’t really care for him or love him and undedtand him and wants to have her way always and he isn’t living with her now. He says he cannot stay with her she drives him mad but he has suffered for the last 6 years being with her. My ques is how come he has 3 kids then with her?? ‘( I feel devasted and heart broken. I had jjsy made up my mind since my marriage is almost. Over once the div is confirmed later this year. And now this guy I met who is so much like. Me in many ways and is very caring and undedtanding is married ? but he claims that he found Al. He was looking for in me. And I will be his first and the last. He cares abt me a lot and he knows my situ too. In these last 4 months we have not held hands. Though he wanted to kncem I have not gone for a movie even. I’m careful. He visited me 3 times. But it was on friendly terms. Nothing romantic took place. Which is good right. But my heart loves him. I miss every moment without him. It hurts me so much. He apologised for not being truthful to me out of fear he doesn’t want to lose me. He says I am the sanity amjdts the madness he’s going thru at home. He loves his little sons a lot and he gives them the best. He doesn’t trust his wife. She doesn’t seem. To care abt him at all by what I hear. Even her FB page doesn’t hsiw any pics of her with him hugging but there were some fam photos. So when I said she seems happily married, he said she’d an imposter and doesn’t want others to see their issues. And she doesn’t care abt his hobbies. She blamed him for things and also that their 3rd child again is a son. He had the 3rd child two years ago. In 2016 she has asked him for a divorce. But he refused. I am afraid that he might have another child with her but he told me he doesn’t love her. What happens when he is physically in need of. Something?? 🙁 I haven’t told him that I love him but he knows I care for him and like him very much. We chat friendly and joke so much. He and I truly seem to get along fine. It’s. A pity we have met at the wrong time in our lives. I feel it heart breaking so much and I know he wnats to spend more time with me but he can’t do that too plus he’s so busy running an important business and works hard. He told me. How he’s not had bfast from. Home at all and he was taken up with me making him. Bfast thrice. I feel. Sorry that he has to go thru these things too. But we have no discussed anything too deep as yet. But he’s made it clear that he won’t take the easy way out. As in he can’t do what my husband is doing to me divorcing me. He’s worried abt how it will affect his sons. So he is very caring in that way. I want him to. Be happy. He deserves it. I found it hard to trust him at forts but I fee he is honest abt how he feels and has also shared abt his life his fam, his mom with me. I have seen the pics. He is also interested din my fam life. And always checks on me and my daughter. So what am I getting into now. I have strong rules abt not dating married men ever and here I am fallen in love with one. Can somekne pls advice me. I tried to stp. Texting him but it eats me. Up inside ‘( I really like him sooooooo much. Bcz after all the stress I went thru in the past 2 years of being rejected and hurt by my hsuabnd.. And now agreeing to div him bcz he wnats it bad, I have fallen for this guy. What am I to do. I know that it can get messy. But he’s not the type of guy who will leave me on the side too. Or never tlak to me again. I know he won’t. Anyways I’m. Not rushing into anything and taking it slow. But avtuakky in my heart I want to be with him close to him. That’s all. I don’t want him. To. Break. Up with his fam. But if his wife does tlove him and they don’t love togegher anymore, is it okay to think that one day she will want to end it with him? I don’t know how she’d react if she finds out abt us. And hjs fam. Ppl know of their separation and he snot worried to be seen in public with me. What does this all. Mean. I don’t know. I don’t have anyone to talk to abt this too as I will get blamed. I csnt even talk to my best friend abt this. Pls someone write me here. Woikd appreciate it. Thank you so much. And I do hppe ur issues get sorted in such a way where you don’t get shattered and broken. Stay strong!!!!! We all have to right. The heart sure is blind. It’s so hard at times when these things happen. 🙁

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Sky

I am currently going through something similar. 4 months ago I got back in touch with this man whom I had known since I was 18 and a huge crush on. He got married when I was 22 and I had seen him over the years. When we connected again he claimed to have had a horrible marriage where the wife cheated on him for 5 years and that he found out about it two years ago and since then they are separated and have only been putting on a show of bring together for the whole world. His parents live with him yet he said they weren’t aware of the issue. Then he tells me he’s also had a crush on me back then but never thought of approaching me. We began dating because he promised me things were over between the two and he was about to begin the legal proceedings to divorce her. I believed him from what I knew about him as a person all those years ago. I knew he was a nice guy and trusted every word. The wife later found out and threw a fit and wouldn’t want to divorce him. He’s out of a job.. Struggling to find a way out. He has not met me in the last 2 months. We live in different cities and he used to visit me the first two months. He made me stay put in this city as he was trying to move here. I moved into a new apartment investing all my money and giving up on a lucrative job offer in another city only because he had promised me be will come stay with me and move to my city for work. He’s still not fulfilled the promise, didn’t even visit on my birthday. Forget sending me a gift he didn’t even bother sending me a cake or even chocolates on that day and was like “is not your first birthday @. I was very troubled with his story of how badly his wife treated him and how she cheated on him. I gave him the best treatment when he used tu visit me from cooking for him to throwing candle light dinners to surprise take outs of his favorite dish.. Gifting him the best of alcohol and chocolates remembering his choices. He didn’t even remember what drink I prefer and hasn’t even given me anything to date. He even made me buy expensive footwear for him without reciprocating even by getting a pill for me when we did it without protection. I am so angry at myself as till date he hasn’t even begun separation proceedings. To top it all, his wife s mother passed away when he was with me and I saw the desperation with which he booked a ticket to fly to her in time for the proceedings. He still says everyday that he loves me and Wakes me up each morning. But I don’t see any actions that could prove nor a guilty conscience of the pain I’m going through. I’ve noticed since a month he’s been asking to end things and yet I am chasing him which he enjoys thoroughly. When I ask to end things he seems more than willing to do so. He says he’s got no money to begin divorce proceedings or to visit me while he enjoys Outings and parties with the rest of his family oh so often. I really really don’t know what to do as I feel lost. I want him and yet I hate myself for these complications. There’s not been an ounce of happiness he’s given me nor made me feel special. I am so so lost and troubled

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Dory

I’ve been having a sexual affair with a married man for 9 years. We first got together on Valentine’s Day 2010. We went to high school together. Had a brief relationship after school. Then went our separate ways. I never married (I’m 58). It started out as “Friends with Benefits” , which was fine at first. He always comes to my place. I refuse to go to his. He’s tried to get me to go to his place when she’s out of town. I thought this particular friend was a true friend & I could trust her! Not the case! About 4 years into the relationship she told his wife. His wife then started stalking me. I had to have her arrested & a 6 month order of protection against her. And told him it was over I couldn’t do it anymore. About 2 weeks after her arrest he shows up at my house. I asked him what the hell are you doing here? Do you know what I hvae done to your wife? And he said yes she got what she deserved!
He has my heart. We don’t do anything together. Just meet at my place a couple times a week. Most times sex is involved but not always. We don’t text. We used to, but she keeps track of his texting & phone calls.

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DDee

I started and affair with a man I met on “illicit encounters’ a UK website for attached people. I was in a 9 year relationship not having my sexual needs met, or others needs really, no emotional support when it came to my daughter whom is adult dependant.
I met a wonderful man who swept me off of my feet, we were peas in pod in so many ways. He was married and had twin girls that were 18 at the time, he was a very loving father, the bread winner.
He told me he had had two previous affair, basically his wife didn’t want to have sex with him.
It started of the same as most affairs, lots of sexy messages, hotel meets. Then we fell in love, deeply in love. He wanted to leave his wife. He fully integrated himself into my life, he turned up on a holiday I had booked for me and my daughter in Tenerife and we had a wonderful family holiday. He was a massive support for me with my daughter. He talked about me leaving my partner and us getting married. Looking back I knew it was time to leave my relationship. I was however looked after financially very well and I gave it all up for him. He but 8 months money down on a rental and furnished the whole place, spending thousands of pounds. I moved in and he was due to follow. He didn’t, last minute he got cold feet. He completely involved my daughter, he let her choose her bed and help decorate her room, then he let us down. I was broken beyond broken. After a few weeks he was back, saying he loved us and wanted to leave but was too scared and could not make that step towards us. This went on for another year, more promises, weekly meets with my daughter whom now called him ‘Pops” something they agreed on. When the lease ran out I bought my own home as I tried to put myself best foot forward. He came here a few times and regularly picked my daughter up. I tried ti tell him to leave me alone but his messages were daily. I threatened to expose him and did once, again things went quiet for a while, then he was full on again. We spent the last year swinging from arguments to trying to be polite, he said ‘he wanted to be there for us and would never let us down anymore’ basically he was too scared to leave her but wanted us in the background. I then ended up in hospital and had major neck surgery, he only messaged my daughter and didn’t once contact me. Its as if he all of a sudden decided it was over. I called him and he threatened me with a solicitors letter if I contacted him again. He continued to send the odd message to Jenna but things were strained.
After I got home I wrote to his wife, I sent lots of correspondence highlighting him as the instigator of the affair etc. From the minute I exposed him he cut my daughter off, blocked her, she had rung him several times, written to him, emailed him, and nothing! I wrote and asked him to explain to her what she has done wrong. It is clear he was using her as a way of keeping me silent and not exposing him. I have no regrets as I think it would have never have truly ended for me as he would have always had me waiting on the back burner stroking his ego. he knew how much i loved him. I cannot however believe he could treat a vulnerable adult the way he has, he encouraged and nurtured their relationship, he involved her in all his plans to be a family. For clarity she is 27 (mental age about 13-15, younger in some areas)
Tonight my daughter rang his wife and asked to speak to her Pops which must have took so much courage, she told her she would call the police if she contacted her again. I cannot believe he is doing this to her, I am sure it is to get at me but what sort of man does this to a vulnerable child? Her real father turned his back on her 5 years ago and her Pops knew this, he promised he would never let her down. It is hard enough dealing with my one pain let alone hers. Any thoughts or advice of how to handle this awful situation will be gratefully received. My heart is breaking watching yet another man let her down.

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Anonymous

Dear all… I am finding myself in this situation right now. I fell in love with a married man who was in a very bad relationship and decided to divorce 2 years ago. We have been together for 1yr and 4 months. I loved him so much! I still do and recently I asked

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Alegna

I’ve been seeing a MM for about 1 month now, we know each other since about 5 yrs. Met him through work, the past month things started to get more intimate between us, we kiss a lot yet I till to this day refuse to sleep with him. I know he won’t leave his wife and child for me. Yet I have gotten my heart involved, he also says that he loves me, which I don’t believe btw. I’m feeling more pain than happiness since the last month, I’m sick n tired of always hiding when we meet up. It’s not too late for me to break it off, thankfully I have not been stupid as to sleep with him or else my feelings would be more intense. It will hurt me breaking off things with him now yes, yet if I don’t break it off now it will poison me even further in the long run. That I have to avoid at all costs.

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Sally

Affairs with married or even attached people usually stem from selfishness, poor self control and a lack of respect on the parts of both the married person and their piece of meat on the side as well as ongoing and/or unresolved marital issues on the part of the person whose married or attached which you cannot heal or fix.

Most times a piece of meat on the side will be all you will ever be to that person as most people don’t end up leaving their spouses, you are being used for a variety of reasons whether it be extra sex, emotional support, money etc etc. You were just a means to a end and nothing more.

Some of you have talked about being heartbroken and/or wanting revenge when it all ends…Why?!

Most of you knew damn well what you were getting into, most of you knew damn well he was married or at least attached possibily with a family, most of you knew what the risks were and yet most of you still CHOSE to get involved despite knowing all of this…

The question should be why didn’t you have you have enough respect for yourself and that person’s partner or spouse to say NO and stay away?!

If you make a crappy choice to have an affair with a married or attached person then you deserve to reap what you sow.

Getting involved with an married or attached man is almost always going to be messy, you will almost always have to play second fiddle to the spouse or partner, you will almost always end up losing and getting badly hurt when it all end because most of these filthbags very rarely ever leave their spouse or partner and you will definitely lose the chance to meet, date and marry a truly amazing person because you’re wasting your precious time (time that you will never ever get back) on some scuzzbucket who shouldn’t even be cheating on their spouse or partner in the first place.

If you’ve just come out of an illicit relationship with a married or attached person, sure it’s gonna hurt because you were invested in this relationship on some level so let it bleed, let it hurt, let it go and move on.

Don’t worry about getting revenge on them as you were just as much in the wrong as they were. Instead focus on learning from the experience and grow from it.

Next time have some self control, self respect, say no and stay away from a married or attached person… It’s just not worth the trouble or heartache.

You can do better than being someone’s piece of meat on the side and you certainly deserve better.

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