True Story: I Chose To Have A Baby On My Own (With The Help of A Team of Doctors And A Sperm Donor)

Tell us a bit about yourself!
The first things people notice about me are my height (I am just over 6 feet tall) and my love of plaid. After that, I aspire to be silly, kind, and generous. I am a writer, photographer and graphic web designer who is mid-thirties (on the dot!). For

I am a writer, photographer and graphic web designer who is mid-thirties (on the dot!). For fun, I like to find new fonts, sing along to Paul Simon, and cook with my toddler son W. I have been blogging under the pen name Calliope  for over 6 years and just recently began writing a combination memoir and self-help book about caregiving for a loved one with Alzheimer’s.

When did you begin to think about having a baby on your own?
I had a moment in college that I imagine a few women did: I was certain that I was going to have a very large and amazing life full of romance and career success. But there was a flash where I thought, “but if I don’t have kids by ___ age I will call up ____ and we will take care of that!”

I didn’t seriously think about becoming a single mother until my entire life changed. I left my career in the film industry in Los Angeles and moved to Alabama to take care of my Grandmother who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. After the first year of being her primary caregiver something sort of shifted inside of me – I don’t think it was a biological clock- I was only 28 at the time-but this sort of maternal light turned on and I felt that if I wanted to be a Mother, NOW might be a good time.

Why did you choose to go this route instead of adopting or fostering?
This is an interesting question that has several answers. The first answer is that I come from a small family and had just lost my Grandfather. I imagine my desire to have a biological child was just as strong as any other woman’s in a married or partnered relationship. That I was single just meant that I needed to go through a few extra steps.

The next answer is that adopting and/ or fostering a child in the United States is not an easy thing to do as a single woman.

Can you tell us about the process?
The first step that I took was setting up an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. This is not something that every woman needs to do, but there happened to be one in the same building as my primary care physician so it made the most sense.

At the first appointment, I had a complete woman’s wellness exam and several vials of blood taken for a complete blood workup as well as genetic carrier tests. I wanted to start immediately but decided to wait until I had my results back – just in case.

In the meantime, I had a very unique Mother/daughter bonding experience: My Mother and I spent a weekend looking on-line at different sperm banks that my doctor’s office had experience working with. It was a whole new world for both of us.

By the second day of looking, we were able to focus more. Buying sperm on-line is a very surreal thing to do. It’s like internet dating. I ended up making a list of what was important to me and then went back to the banks and used their search tools to narrow down the selection.

I wanted a donor that had a similar ethnic history, indicated a good health history (it is amazing the details that you are provided!), with an interest in athletics (in case that is hereditary because I am a klutz), with an outgoing personality, and a few other characteristics.

I went through several different donors from three different banks.

I went through a total of 13 IUI’s and never achieved pregnancy.

I went through two IVF’s but only made it to retrieval day for one of them. (it’s a LONG story why I didn’t get to finish my first IVF cycle – you can find it by searching “false positive hepatitis C test” on my blog…um yeah)

My 2nd IVF resulted in a pregnancy that I lost early. I then had a frozen embryo transfer and had a healthy pregnancy and beautiful son.

As for the cost breakdown? You can read all about that here

How did the people in your life react to your decision?
Someone once told me that how you present news is how people will receive news. So if you say, “GREAT NEWS! I’m going to have a baby!” People realize it is, indeed, great news. All of my friends and family know that I am single – and most of them knew that I was trying to become a Mom. Five years of trying is not something you can really keep under wraps.

“It’s just us.” Is what I say now. If someone remarks on my son and says, “oh I bet his Father is tall too!” I just smile. (and if I feel comfortable I share more)

How did you prepare (emotionally, financially, domestically, logistically) since you knew  you’d be having and raising this child on your own?
The greatest advantage that I have is that while I am, indeed, a single mother I have never felt like I was raising my son solo. I have amazing friends a phone call or e-mail away should I ever need advice. But the only way that I am truly able to be the kind of mom that I want to be is because of my own Mother.

Ever since my Mother and I moved in with my Grandmother we have lived in a multi-generational home. I was able to stay at home and be a caregiver to my Grandmother because my Mother worked full time. When I was pregnant with my son my Grandmother went with me to every OB appointment I ever had. She was holding my hand when I found out I was going to have a son.

My Grandmother passed away when my son was 6 months old & My Mother and my son and I continue to live together – it is the only way I can imagine making my family work.

What have you said to your son about his father?
It hasn’t been a subject that has come up. We are still differentiating between Bert & Ernie. When it does – I plan on being incredibly open. I used an open donor to conceive W. This means that when he turns 18 he has the option of being in contact with his donor. I also know that there are half siblings created from this donor that are listed on the donor sibling registry. I plan on presenting all of this information to W and letting him tell me how much or how little he wants to be involved. He has options.

Are you interested in having more children? 
Yes. I would love to try for one more child. I am incredibly lucky to still have some frozen embryos and hope it won’t take as long the 2nd time!

What advice would you give to other women who are interested in having children this way?
I have been blogging about my path to creating motherhood for many years now. Through the years I have gotten several e-mails from readers that are much older and they all say that they wish they had just taken the leap.

It really IS a leap. But if you have been thinking about this? Go for it.

One of the (MANY!) reasons why I am so happy that I had my son this way is because I know that once being a Mom was on my mind that it was going to be at the front of my mind. Bringing that into any dating relationship is hard. I also didn’t want to meet someone great and find out that they didn’t want to have kids and surrender this dream.

Now I am a woman who has a son. I can not wait to meet a wonderful man that is ok with that. Of course, I would have loved to have gone a more traditional route in life and met someone, got married, and had a baby. But traditional doesn’t always happen. Sometimes you just have to make your own story happen.

Have any of you considered IVF or a sperm donor as a way to have kids?  Any questions for Calliope?

P.S. I gave my baby up for adoption + I was adopted at 24

photo by jordan whitt // cc