I’m Kate Rowan and I’m a step-mom. I’m also a wife, mom, and pet owner. I’m 25 years old, and I live in south west Colorado in a tiny mountain town. Hubby and I love to hike and walk our hairy dogs along the river. I am a stay at home mom to Leif, our 3 1/2 month old baby.
I met my husband on Craigslist, actually! I was looking for pen pals, and put an ad in the “strictly platonic” section. In one hour, I got about 50 offers for sex with strangers…and one nice guy who wanted to write.
Honestly, I didn’t think about it too much. I was there for him. I fell in love with him. Having a child was an added bonus to me, but I didn’t think about his daughter too much until later.
Not at first. I have a ton of experience with kids, so caring for her when she was with us just came naturally. My husband needed a lot of help since he didn’t have as much experience, so I just fell into the routine of being a caretaker without a hitch. She was a lot of fun. Later on I started to get stressed because she was getting older and starting to talk, and her needs were changing.We moved 6 hrs away when she was 2, and then it was hard to be a step-parent from a distance. She would come to visit, and it would take about 5 days to settle into a routine. By then, it was prepping for her to go home. We will always struggle with being close to her with the distance between us.
What is your family’s specific arrangement?
My stepdaughter lives with her mom full time, and we have her when we can. It’s not ideal. When we lived close by, we had her weekends and some days during the week. It was awesome then. We now live far away, about 6 hrs.
It’s hard for us to get time with her. We used to try to have her every 6 weeks-2 months, but it was breaking our car and the bank. We have also moved several times and sometimes our living situations haven’t made it possible to have her. It’s our biggest regret.
It’s also difficult because separation anxiety can set in. We do our best to make it comfortable for her, but we have different parenting methods from her mom, and she is still very young. We are hoping as she gets older it will be easier to understand.
For now, we are accepting that we won’t have her as much, and hopefully that will be less stressful for her. We talk to her on the phone and tell her about our lives. I send packages at holidays and try to stay on top of her likes and dislikes.
What have been the biggest challenges of life with step-children? The biggest rewards?
The biggest challenge was stepping back. I tried to be Super Step-mom for a while, and I burned out. I was trying to be a perfectionist, and it hurt my ability to see that it’s not about being perfect. I needed to step back and be a wife, first and foremost.
Being a step-mom needed to come second. I needed to be married to my best friend, and support him as a parent. My stepdaughter has a mom and dad. I was a bonus, but I wasn’t supposed to be her everything.
I was a support role. I needed to relax and enjoy my life. The biggest reward is having my stepdaughter tell me that she loves me. I adore her, and I think she is so smart and wonderful.
Have your step-children affected your feelings about having children of your own?
Yes, very much so. I realized that I really wanted to be a parent, but to my own child. It might sound mean, but I wanted my own baby. Not because I wanted to push my stepdaughter away, but because it is so heartbreaking to have to drop her off and walk away for a long time.
I wanted to have the family we always talked about having. I never wanted to drop my baby off somewhere and wonder how he was and if he missed me.
My husband and I will always have an open door to my stepdaughter, and if she wants to live with us, she is very welcome. But she is her mom’s baby, and I would never want to take her away from her mom, just like I would never want my son away from me.
We want to have a few children together, and raise our family the way we feel is right in our hearts.
What advice would you give to others with blended families?
Breathe! It’s not easy, and requires lots of patience and care and love. Spouses need to stick together especially tight, because the statistics are very against second marriages. You need to remember that if you are supportive of your spouse, you are supporting the child. Don’t be a super step-parent. Just be there.
Your presence is so important, and the simple act of being a phone call away is better than forcing yourself into their lives. They need to be kids. They are doing the best they know how to and just saying “We love you and miss you!” is so great. As a step-parent, you are a support person. Be supportive!
Are any of you step-parents? Any questions for Kate?
P.S. I, too, am a stepmom and everything Kate says is 100% right. Two things I’ve found super helpful: this book and joining a local Meetup Group for stepmoms!
Oh, I absolutely needed to read this.
But I do have a question.
Right now I'm not a step-mom, but I am the live-in girlfriend of a man with a child. My boyfriend's son is 11-years-old. That said, he's clearly old enough to know what's going on around him. He's also seen his dad go through a few girlfriends in the past, although none that lived with him. My boyfriend's son lives with his mom full-time, but he comes to visit once or twice a week. His dad is almost 30, while I just turned 25 and I don't have any children of my own – and have never really been the mothering type.
Basically, my boyfriend's son and I treat each other like friends. We talk books and technology, but I don't tell him not to watch South Park on our Apple TV.
Basically, my question is: How different are the boundaries when you're not a stepmother yet, but very well could be? I obviously want him to have respect for me (he is very respectful at this point), but he's older and – according to his dad – still has this dream that his parents will one day get married (although they never have been, or even lived in the same house w/ him). Eek!
Any advice?!