True Story: I dated a trans man

I dated a trans man

Tell us a bit about yourself!
Hello! I’m Staci and I’m a 30 year old lady from New Jersey. I have a corporate 9-5 and I’m lucky enough to live at the beach. I love riding my bike, swimming in the ocean, indulging my wanderlust, and being around kindred spirits.

For those of us who don’t know, what does it mean to be transgender?
Someone who is transgendered has decided to identify and move through the world in contrast to the gender they were born as. There is a condition known as gender dysphoria which a lot, if not most, transgendered people fall under. Gender dysphoria means, in utero, your body developed one way and your brain developed another. Being transgender has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

What are the biggest misconceptions about trans individuals?
From my experience, many people do not know the difference between a transvestite and a transgendered (or transexual) person. Transvestites derive pleasure from dressing as the opposite sex but have no problem living as the gender they were born with. Whereas transgender individuals do not feel comfortable associating with the societal norms of their biology.

Drag queens and transvestites are not mutually exclusive terms, either. Most drag queens are male cross-dressers doing so for entertainment value.

Prior to meeting your boyfriend, who did you date?
I dated men and have always identified as a heterosexual female.

How did you meet your boyfriend?
I met –A through the cousin of a former colleague. She and I began chatting at a party and from getting to know me and my interests she thought I should get to know her good friend, -A. He was mentioned to me as ‘my tranny friend, -A’. Because I had nothing else to go on, I pictured some tall white guy in drag. She did not describe him to me physically so I had no idea what to expect. I wouldn’t say I was set-up with him, this person just thought we’d get along very well because our interests were so similar.

Did you know when you met him that he was trans? How did you feel about it?
Yes, I actually knew before we ever met in person. As I mentioned, the person we met through spoke of his identity very early on. –A was living in another state when we began communicating but was shortly moving back to our home state where I lived. At that point I knew what he looked like and I thought he was darn cute; hot, even.

Since I had no idea we’d be involved romantically, -A being transgendered had no bearing on how I felt. We innocently e-mailed, occasionally chatted on the phone, and eventually met in a setting with our mutual friends. I’ve always had an open-minded spirit and was endlessly curious about his journey in life. He would verify the fact that I asked a thousand questions about his identity over those e-mails and conversations. He was constantly open and always fed my interest with kindness.

When we found ourselves falling for each other, my only concern was with our intimacy. Our chemistry was pretty electric, but sexually I was very apprehensive; considering I had only been with biological men until that point. Although the hormones he took changed his face and overall build, –A still had a biologically female body when we were together.

I considered myself pretty experienced at the time but just because I have a female body doesn’t mean I know exactly how to give pleasure to another one! -A was very patient and we took our time discovering what would be best for both of us.

Did you and he ever discuss his journey from woman to man?
Of course, we spoke of it often. I am inquisitive by nature and from the beginning I never felt any question was off-limits. The closer we grew, the easier it was to ask more probing questions. I’d never met an FtM (Female to Male) before. I had the utmost respect for the way -A chose to live his life and the decisions he’s made along the way.

Did his trans-ness have any affect on his day-to-day life? Or your relationship?
Aside from a few, small sexual hurdles in the very beginning, I don’t believe it did. I was in love with a man and that was that. Our relationship started and ended just like any other. Being with -A was an amazing experience, not because he was transgender, but simply because who he was and what our relationship brought to my life.

I’ve been in and out of many relationships but the one I shared with -A showed me what it was like to truly be in love. For that I will be forever grateful.

How did the people in your life react to your relationship?
I was very apprehensive to disclose the details of -A’s life to anyone. I told a good friend first and although she didn’t quite understand, she was supportive and simply made sure I was happy. When we eventually told my parents they were very understanding and accepting of who I’d chosen to be with.

The reaction I’ve received most often is, “I could never do that.” Perhaps it’s different for men than it would be for women but I’d like to think (maybe naively) anyone is capable of having an amazing relationship with anyone as long as love and respect exists.

Many people are curious or confused by the transgendered community. Are there any helpful resources you could point them towards to learn more?
Thankfully, the internet can be a huge support group for people who need answers.  I recommend PFLAG.  There are unlimited sites out there but here are two I feel are accurate and informative.  I’d be happy to answer any questions your readers may have!

Thanks so much for sharing, Staci!  Do you guys have any (polite! respectful!) questions?

photo by ariel hasanovic // cc

30 Comments

Rachelia G

This is a really beautiful and honest true story! Thank you for sharing your experience. I too believe that most people are capable of capable of having healthy, beautiful relationships with anyone, if love is present.

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Rebecca

I agree with Rachelia that I love Staci's comment that anyone is capable of having an amazing relationship with anyone as long as love and respect exist. We need more people to think like this in the world.

I am currently writing a thesis on sexuality and migration from Mexico and have learned so much about the trans community through that. While other groups who don't recognize themselves by heteronormative standards, such as gays and lesbians, have found a voice within their communities and are becoming more recognized and accepted in mainstream society, the trans community still exists very much in the shadows. This is why I thank you for doing this interview, Sarah, and thank Staci for sharing her story with us! It is so important for people to be exposed to positive stories of non-normative relationships like this and realize that everyone deserves to be loved.

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Sara

What a wonderful story. It sounds like it was a great period in your life being with A. Thank you for sharing.

I must say that transgenderism is a concept that has always confused me. I have a genuine desire to understand it because I'm going into social work and I want to be prepared for the possibility of working with transgender individuals, but I've never actually met a transgender individual who I felt comfortable asking.
That being said, I'd like to ask the question that has always nagged me, and I want to be so clear that I don't mean to ask it in an argumentative or offensive way. This is a real question that I really want to know the answer to to help me better understand the transgender community.

If gender roles and identities are based on societal norms, why change your biology simply because society dictates that your thoughts/behavior/desires/etc are indicative of a different sex? Why not simply be who you are and keep the body you have? I guess what I'm asking is, what is the difference between being transgender and just being different from what society expects?

Once again, I am not asking this to be rude/argumentative/insensitive. I really want to understand.

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Anonymous

i'm not transgendered, but i have had several trans friends transitioning in both directions. the problem isn't about trying to fit into societal norms of gender roles, it's about feeling like you are in the body you should have had all along. i have a very good friend that is ftm and he always felt incredibly uncomfortable being perceived as a woman. he was uncomfortable wth his body, not least of all the DD breasts his genetics produced. in being transgender, changing your body to the right sex *is* being who you are because your birth-gender is so mentally and emotionally *not* who you are. i hope that makes some sense, because it is a bit difficult to explain and understand from the outsider perspective.

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Self-Preservation

It's me, A-.

First off. Props to Staci. No matter what transgresses or transpires we continue to find one another in life and soothe each other's souls. You done good with this piece, kid, and I love you always.

Now, for the question and answer portion of this comment, directed at Sara:

Transgenderism can be confusing even for those who may struggle or live with this as a part of their lives. What you're asking is extremely layered. It’s not quite as simple as going against the expectation for you to attend a University or get married and/or want to start a family. Transgenderism is not considered just being misunderstood. For some reason making the brave decision to live your life in people’s faces, to alter “what God has seen fit” for you, well, that is a disgraceful act. And before I continue I must state that I promise to speak on behalf of myself and no one else, regardless their [gender] identity.

I like to ask people, “Do you have to reconsider your gender, ponder your body versus your desires, every day you wake up?” The answer is usually no. And the same goes for me.

There is nothing as simple as black and white on the gender spectrum once you begin speaking about transgenderism. Transgender means to medically transition. That could be hormone replacement therapy and/or surgery. Staci makes several points above distinguishing trasnvestism from transgenderism, but it still goes deeper.
You ask why a person would seek to alter their biology. First, let's simply touch on prejudice and phobia. Let us say a person is afforded the opportunity to avoid potential harassment [up to, but not limited to hate crimes] because their voice is deeper or their face exhibits attributes more socially recognizable and/or acceptable to that of their gender expression or has surgery that allows them to get changed in a communal locker room without stowing away to a personal stall, etc. Safety is huge and sometimes the physical transition allows transpeople to move through the world without being noticed for ways in which we may be different.
Next, let us consider those societal norms you mentioned. We are born and then quickly labeled and raised based on our genitalia. And, not so much present day, but there was a time when if aforementioned genitalia didn't conform a decision was made by parents and doctors as to what gender the child would be and surgery was conducted immediately. People needed to know how to raise their children and this was deemed necessary. I digress. We have our guardians (gender specific) hopes and aspirations piled upon us in heaps. If a person feels/knows they are a gender other than that which they are presently living then I personally cannot see, with this typical upbringing, how one could easily make the consideration to essentially adopt a new attitude about the way they know society sees gender and in doing so fully express their gender within the same body. Right, I mean, we live in this greatly visual society that judges you before you open your mouth. Aesthetics and appearance are important and we are taught that from the beginning.
Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDoR) is November 20th of every year. This day is set aside to memorialize those who have been killed due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice. And every year the names on lists across the world include non-transgendered people who were targeted because they didn't look "normal".

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Self-Preservation

(continued – sorry, I was a bit verbose for only one comment)

Allow me to not let this go without paying respect to those who do make the decision to not physically transition and move through the world having to proclaim their gender. They are brave souls that chose a different journey. Perhaps the prospect of medical transition was too jarring, or maybe they are happy with all aspects of them adding up to exactly what they wanted or possibly something else entirely.

And these are just a few examples, the tip of the proverbial iceberg with regard to why a person would choose to physically transition. This goes without getting into how someone’s gender is separate from their expression of self, their character and their sexuality. All notable aspects of what make us whole.

I personally found it tremendously important to physically [read: medically] transition because of the way I wanted/needed to move around the world. To me, the core of what it means to be a man has absolutely nothing to do with my physical appearance. It is about my personal conduct, the way I treat my fellow human beings and the people that are important to me, how I recognize and take advantage of the power afforded to men in our society, and how I feel every single day I wake up.

And in the beginning it was just as simple as, “Hey – I’m a guy, I’d like to take my shirt off at the beach, too.”

Reply
Sara

Thank you so much for sharing this with me (and the rest of us), A.

While I'm sure I still don't, and probably never will, fully understand the experience of any transgender individual, this was very helpful. I feel like it makes a little bit more sense to me now.

I am glad that you are now able to be comfortable with who you are and I wish you all the best in your life. 🙂

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Anonymous

pre transguy of color….hoping to get my mine this yr,jus met this lady of 48,
and i'm 39 big gap init yar she knows bout me,she did'nt c it…… an likes the man i am,never been with a person of color nor have people in her life of any back ground as far as i no anyway an she want 2 kick it with me…….she is a very nice lady,but i dont really think i got time for her coz 25 miles between us 1st of all an only meet her 4 times,an the other day i called it a day an she went MAD…….. IT was quite sexy really.i jus met her an i've gone so far to b getting my t soon and i an going to change so much an she does not even no me..talking on the phone is good an i have to wacth what i say coz she really nice lady a i really digg her but i fill she come in my life to late of my jonury which i'm taking an she might not like the man that i will b come?help

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Anonymous

Sir, Your comment is difficult to read. The answer to the question I think your asking is pretty much answered in the story posted. Both individuals talked a lot and were honest.

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Anonymous

Hi I am FTM and I am concerned about dating I don't want to hurt anyone or misslead anyone of who I am but yet I don't want them to judge me before they even get the chance to know me. My question is when do I tell someone about who I am?

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Anonymous

As soon as you feel there is a mutual attraction…….you will know when that is………after 1 date or 2 or 3……

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Anonymous

i didnt know he was FTM until we were in bed together and he told me. I had already told him, how l felt about him a month before. I still have feelings for him but l wish he had told me sooner……

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Anonymous

Transman of color……..i met this lady at a job i was doin in her part of town an,she had finished work an had loads of shoping…So yes helped her,i said my cars up the road…She said my place is round the corner,so i said cool lets go…as we were walking i notice so had an actsent west contry………she told me her name age i did so to an before i new she was home by this time i new she had know 1 in her life an she was ok………i saw her about a month later an she was overwellmingly nice to see me so i felt to say i would like 2 pousue u she said yes i said great………..by this time i had not told her i was female yet coz i'm working in a mans role first job per trans an i working good so far?……an this lady is checking me out?i've only seen her twice for bout 15mins first time an 10 mins tha second time so…not anuff time to say look i'm female……….so she left me a note, an i miss led it for some weeks….i found it an text her and stated that i im per trans guy an she didnt no what it was so i told her to look it up she did…she said cool she still likes me an she said she met me as the person before her an she likes what she see,i say cool. but i feel say,she dont really no whats what, an this women talks in a way that she wants me to digger OUT?………

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Anonymous

Not quite sure what that means can you explain so I might be able to give you some feedback

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Anonymous

This post is difficult to read. The thoughts expressed in this post are jumbled and unclear. I hope the issue resolved itself.

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Anonymous

Hello again I had asked when do you disclose to someone that you are trans, and someone told me you will know when it is time , well you were right it was time I had talked with her several times on the phone and saw her twice for a date but I never used the word man or woman I always said person because I certainly did not want to hurt her or misslead her in anyways. She fell in love with me right away and I knew I must tell her, so last night I told her of my journey of how I became a man. She was very understanding and you know if I wouldn't giot the response I needed I knew I was going to hurt myself because of the rejections I had in my life since childhood. First of all let me say she is of color and I never thought I would go out of my race but when I see her I don't see anything more than a beautiful woman that she is okay I told her and it was the answer that I needed to hear and that was she loved me and it doesn't change a thing she was glad I told her now than later and so am I but believe me when I say it was a horrible experience to do at least it was for me. I often asked the question what makes a woman a woman and what makes a man a man know one could answer that for me last night I found out the answer. It is not what is between your legs it is what is in your brain, heart and most of all soul. I am very blessed that I found this woman because she has saved my life. I am a man I knew since I was 3 years old that I was different but back in my days well that wasn't easy to talk about or as far as I knew I was a freak, I am 57 so as you can tell things were different then. If anyone needs to talk about anything please feel comfortable to contact me. If I get any replies I ill give you my email address to you. God Bless for the one who told me you will know when cause you were right. Thank you. Elliot

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Anonymous

Hello…i'm a person of color an i'm sort of see a lady which is not of color,an i really don't think she would of steped out of her zone if she never met myslef,i like her alot………she different 2 what i go for i wish i could b with her everyday she works days an i work nites,…….an i'm live the life as pre T in a new job workin my new life as male it's hard but i'm goin throw tho?

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sb

Very nice and true story , I am transman from India , but I am not lucky as A .. I recently had break up with my 5 years of Gf just because she was not sexually happy with me.. she said she has very basic need and I cannot give her that .. she said love can be given by anyone but sex is also very very important part.. initially everything was good but in mid 2013 she started maintainning distance from and I couldn’t understand the reason . And when a week before I asked her she said I am not happy with you , I need something more , I need kid, money etc … I didn’t forced her to be with me and said I love you very much and I respect your decision. and now she may be happy.. god bless you both ..

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Terry Crisp

I think you two are awesome I love this story I would love to find someone like this to meet and fall in love with I think trannsgender lady’s are so interesting and a lot of them are very beautiful people inside and out thank you for sharing

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