Tell us a bit about yourself!
I’m a 30-year-old professional girl in Canada, I have a very stressful job and I work a lot but when I’m not I enjoy reading, hanging out with friends and family, and running.
Prior to your experiment with Ashley Madison, what was your experience with relationships?
I’ve never had a lot of luck in relationships and have spent most of my adult life single. The relationships I’ve had always seem to be very one-sided –one of us is more invested than the other.
I’m still hopeful to one day meet that elusive guy who likes me as much as I like him and vice versa! As far as I know, I haven’t been cheated on, and I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend in any way.
What made you decide to sign up for Ashley Madison?
After I turned 30 I kind of took stock of my life and I realized that, after putting it on the back burner for a long time, I wanted a more exciting sex life. A big part of the turn on and excitement of sex for me has been to be strongly desired by my lovers.
I also wanted the opportunity to explore without worrying about all of the other issues that factor in when you’re dating and trying to determine if someone would make a good all around partner.
Ultimately it was kind of a spur of the moment thing where I just thought I would sign up and see what happened, I didn’t really have any strong expectations (and AM is free for women, so no financial factors either!)
Can you tell us about the guys you’re seeing? Why are they cheating on their wives?
I didn’t expect to wind up seeing four different men, but it’s true what they say – all the good ones are married! I was only on AM for about 3 weeks and I spoke to so many great men, I couldn’t choose just one!
· J is in his early forties, he has small children and really loves his wife a lot. Due to health issues she has lost all interest in sex for several years now, and he didn’t want to give that part of his life up. He has told me that he was on AM for over a year and I’m the only person he’s met. He’s a very sweet, smart, successful guy who is just missing passion in his life.
· A is in his late thirties, self-employed and very stressed out! I think he’s been struggling for years with feeling inadequate in his life, and unhappy in his relationship, but for many reasons (mainly financial) feels like he can’t leave. I honestly think he’s doing this to try to take back some control in his life.
· K is in his mid-thirties, married with two kids. He and his wife have agreed that their relationship doesn’t work and they are in a ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ open relationship, but they’re continuing to live together for the kids
· My last lover is a Dom (ah!) who I refer to as Sir – he’s in his late forties and his wife is not interested in BDSM at all, while he feels very strongly about that part of his life, so he has sought it outside his marriage.
How do you manage to date these men in a discreet way?
Well, we don’t really ‘date’ – if I wanted that I’d find a nice single guy! I met all of them in public at first, coffee shops, drinks, that kind of thing. Once the sexual relationship was established, now they just come to my place (I live alone). We also keep in touch between meetings by text, email, and sometimes phone.
Do the people in your life know about this?
Nobody knows and I have no intention of letting anyone find out. While I’m comfortable with what I’m doing, I know it is not something that most people would understand and I just don’t want to go there!
Why do you prefer this sort of arrangement rather than dating a single guy?
I wouldn’t say I prefer it, it’s just something I’m experiencing right now. I have told all my lovers that if I meet a guy I really care about (and I am dating single guys too) that they’re getting kicked to the curb, and they all understand!
Has this changed your views on marriage/monogamy/commitment?
I don’t think so – the fact that some people cheat doesn’t mean that everyone does. Relationships are very complicated and have to evolve as people change, and sometimes that’s just not feasible.
I honestly do think that sometimes cheating can help a relationship (so long as the one being cheated on doesn’t find out) because it can make the person feel generally happier, less frustrated, etc, which has an effect on every area of their life.
Would you like to get married eventually?
If I find the right guy – definitely! If I don’t find the right guy, I’m perfectly happy on my own.
How would you feel if you got married and your husband cheated on you?
It’s hard to know because it would depend on the circumstances. I’m sure I would be very upset no matter what the circumstances, but if our relationship had significant other problems or I had completely withdrawn from it (emotionally, sexually, whatever) I think it would be more understandable.
One thing I think I have learned is that it is possible to distinguish different parts of our lives – just as we can have many friends without diminishing the value of each of them, it’s also possible to have multiple lovers – enjoying your time with one doesn’t mean the other intrinsically suffers.
Thanks for sharing your story, Lucy. Have any of you ever knowingly dated married men? What are your thoughts on monogamy/cheating/marriage?