Around this time last year, I was dating A Very Nice Guy Who Just Wasn’t Right For Me.
I did all those things you do once you discover that someone’s not your person. I made it painfully clear to him that I wanted to ‘take things slow’. I only saw him once a week. I instituted a ‘no sleepovers’ rule.
But, eventually, I realized that it wasn’t particularly kind to string along a sweet guy who wanted to be my boyfriend when I was more interested in Dollywood and moonshine than my relationship status.
I spent a month crying in restaurants to my girlfriends, practicing break up speeches, and googling things like “how to let someone down gently.”Also: eating carbs and cheese in various combinations. I finally worked up the nerve to end things and closed the conversation with ye olde “but I’d like to be friends.”
And then, dear readers, to the horror of us both, I actually tried to do that.
After what I thought was a suitable amount of time, I sent him an email. When I saw his hometown in the news, I texted him. I asked him out for breakfast.
Was I interested in getting him back? Not at all! Did I miss my friend? Yes. Was there a hip hop show companion-shaped hole in my social life? Yes. Did I worry that he hated me? Yes.
Now, if you’re keeping track, exactly none of those concerns had anything to do with Very Nice Guy I Dumped. They had everything to do with me, my needs, and my ego.When we end things with someone – a romantic partner, a friend, even someone we’ve employed – we become a source of discomfort.
As much as we’d like to stay in touch, stay friends, stay in the loop, we need to put the ball in their court. When you’ve ended something, you no longer have a say in how that person spends their time or directs their feelings.
If you really care about someone you'll let THEM decide how (or if) you'll be part of their life. Share on X
So what does this look like in real life?If you know he’s having a hard time getting over your breakup, don’t text him those inside jokes you used to share.If you know she’s still hanging on, despite the divorce papers, don’t tell her that she looks great and you like that haircut.
If you know he’s still holding out hope that you’re ready for a serious relationship, stop it with the late night booty calls.
If you don’t want the best friendship that she does, stop inviting her out for one-on-one drinks while you unload all your problems on her.
Sometimes love comes in the shape of space.
Quiet.
A tough but clean break.
Mentally wishing someone the best and then letting them go after it – without you.How do you deal with exes? Do you give them space? Do you wish they’d would let you be so you could get on with your life?
P.S. You also have the right to be left alone. If someone hurts you or ends things and then wants to be part of your life, you can tell them that you’d prefer not to be friends. You get to choose who’s in your life!
P.P.S. If you’re trying to break your “stalking your ex on social media” habit, this will help. And it’s free!
Wise words, my dear. Sometimes the things we think we are doing out of kindness are the things that hurt the people we care about the most.
Love this. And may I say it's so nice to see a blog post that is not bussiness-related (no offense, it's just that I don't have a career in that area so I apreciate more the personal development posts or the plain funny ones) 🙂
So glad you liked it!
You make some excellent points in this post. Sometimes I think we focus too much on trying to keep them in our lives that we completely miss that fact that it's hurting them. Sometimes they just need to move on without us.
This was so profound. Let people go because we are holding them back for our egos. So very true!
My mom always told me to take at least half the length of the relationship to get over the relationship. It doesn't work so exactly… ever… but I like the sentiment.
My one ex that is still a really good friend– we dated for 22 months, didn't speak at all for almost the same time, and then we did reconnect we were both beyond it and could talk about the things we have in common again without the pain.
Very well-said. I had it in my mind for most of my twenties that remaining friends with exes was a sign of being a healthy person who can get beyond the past. Personally though, I couldn't really gain perspective on why exactly the relationship failed when I was trying to be friendly with the person – I needed the distance and ultimately, with sufficient distance I could safely realize that I didn't really have any desire to keep that person around at all. It just didn't need to be. I've realized that my drive to be friends has been more about needing to believe that there was something redeeming/good about the person, otherwise why would I have been with them?! By staying friends, I was forceably proving to myself that I wasn't utterly terrible at selecting intimate partners and that I hadn't wasted years of my life on lost causes. So it was TOTALLY about my own ego! Ugh. Once I was able to let go of that insistence, I was much more able to move on (and honestly I think most people breathe a sigh of relief when they know there aren't any exes lingering around).
Yes! I just wanted to show how emotionally mature I was (how mature we BOTH were).
wise words.
i struggle with "letting my ex go".
we broke up 5 years ago – but have communicated, fallen back into old patterns, etc over the last 5 years.
we stopped talking again about a month ago – we just become so toxic for each other.
my heart still hurts.
i still miss him.
i liked feeling DESIRABLE….especially from him.
break ups can be so easy for some, but others…sometimes you connect your heart with a person too deeply and when it ends, it just…resonates pain.
My relationship of seven years just ended 3 days before Christmas. I was deeply attached to him. We both had issues to resolve independently and as a couple. I shared the realization with him that we didn’t seem to be moving forward… Apparently he had been thinking the same thing, because he abruptly left me and relocated to another state. It is all much more complicated than this, but ultimately I feel lost that he couldn’t forge ahead with me and put concerted combined effort into rehabilitating our many destructive behaviors. We had so many wonderful and inspiring things in common. I’d never felt closer to anyone. Then boom. Over. The hard part is kindness mixed with blatant cryptic disregard was displayed (by both of us) in the days before he left. Was it me just trying to figure him out? I think so. I think maybe I was ready to let him go because he had become a stranger who I couldn’t make happy no matter how much I tried. This, after being the center of each other’s codependent, addiction ridden worlds. Anyway. I am doing my best to respect the distance he has put between us. My heart breaks to know he believed we could not be together, and that the best thing to do was take the things he’d given me and leave. I know that all this was meant to express his anger, disappointment and dissatisfaction with me, but crap, I wish I would have been given the chance to work on it. That’s what hurts. I had not given up. He had. That spells THE END. He had mental health issues and I started to mirror him…I can’t believe love was not enough, because I think we tried very hard in different ways and different times to honor each other. I just want to blot out all the memories if I’ll never get another chance to “make it right”, or get healthy mentality, physically and spiritually and meet him again with health on both our sides, like we had the first time he came back from rehab… Only time and God knows, and probably Tod knows too, as the secret to why he left went out the door with him.
I’m in the same boat. Just that he hasn’t left yet. I’m honestly grtting closer to the point of kicking him out of my apartment. Trying to be without him. Hoping that maybe with legitimate space, he will grow to miss my significant role in his life.
No lie there!!!
Then why end it if you really connected and you love them ?
I've always wondered if this was a cultural thing. I grew up on the east coast and remained friends with none of my exs and don't know anyone who has. However now that I live on the west coast I find that it is a common practice. There is only one instance where I saw someone who couldn't make a friendship out of a past relationship and it was because she was hurt by the guy way too much and he didn't give her any space to heal from their relationship to be friends.
As someone who has received 14 texts from her exboyfriend today, mostly along the lines of "call me, it's urgent" (Because he knows I block his number and he can't really call me without my phone hanging up in his face.) I would like to give you a hearty, "hear hear!" It is extremely painful for me that is still so selfish, after a month of being broken up, to the point where he does not give a damn that I want space. It's absolutely unfair. And then I feel guilty since I was the one who broke up with him, and I know he's hurt, so in my guilt I'm like "ugh, maybe I should call him…" but that always turns out to be a terrible, terrible idea…. it's the worst.
Ugh! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that <3
oh my goodness! I have been in a similar situation. #1 – DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! It is not selfish to tell someone you're not into them. You're actually doing yourself AND the guy a FAVOR by being honest!
#2 – DO NOT CALL HIM! He is still hung up on you and it is DISRESPECTFUL OF HIM to continue contacting you in the way he is (its borderline harrassment). The only way he will get over you is if you guys just do not make contact. AT ALL. For a long time. Do not give in! DO NOT GIVE IN! Respect his feelings, his pain and realize what the solution is — and its not a pity-call-to-maybe-make-him-feel-better-and-increase-his-false-hope-of-getting-back-with-you …
Maybe after 3 months. Maybe 6. Maybe even a whole year should go by. And you'll know its okay when the conversation does not "end terribly" and BOTH OF YOU can be totally honest!
Ok I'm done.
I just know exactly what you're going through and I hate seeing actually feel bad because someone else is having trouble maturing a little bit.
I usually remain friends with my exes. I never break it off with "but we can still be friends". I just break it off. There is no "gentle" way to do it. It hurts and we're big boys and girls. We get over it. I don't say "lets stay friends" because it's their decision if they like me deeply enough to stay in touch or not. And we usually do, anyway. If someone is ACTUALLY YOUR FRIEND, you don't have to let them know that you still are friends. It will happen naturally, IMO.
I went through a pretty tough best friend "break up" and this was something I really struggled with. Though he was the one who broke my heart, I was the one who screwed it up. Trying to give him space and let him go was the hardest thing – I never quite mastered it as I never gave up trying to get him back and, eventually, I did.
Excellent post. When my ex and I divorced, I briefly considered whether we would remain friends, but I ultimately, I realized that if we could be friends, we wouldn't be getting divorced. If we enjoyed each other's company, respected each other, shared similar interests/perspectives, and cared for one another–like friends do–we wouldn't have split up. I frankly don't know anybody who is truly friends with an ex who doesn't harbor uncomfortable thoughts about that.
yes, I was married for over 27 years and after our divorce he wanted us to remain friends, I tried for a while but couldn’t move on, It was like an emotional roller coaster ride so I had to tell him to stop, He still hurts a lot but I can’t move on if he keeps coming back into my life and acts like he did nothing wrong. He had an affair for 4 years whiled we were married and I had no idea, total shock.
I totally agree with all of this. I would actually go a step farther: it's not just about leaving the ball in their court. Most of the time when I've broken up with someone, I actively wish to not have them in my life anymore in any capacity. It's still painful, but if I was initially attracted to him as a boyfriend, that's very different than a friend. If the boyfriend thing doesn't work, I can't just move them over to a different type of relationship and see if that works any better. I've already got enough friends! Maybe that sounds callous, but it has worked really well for me.
Damn you're good. And the timing of this article is absolutely the strength and reinforcement I need right now. I am just about to head out to diner tonight to dump a super great, amazing guy. But I need to tell him this Oscar Wilde quote "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
Also – FYI Sarah – You are never ordinary!
You! <3 Best of luck on your break up.
This is so great, and I'm kind of mind-blown at your realization that the wanting-to-stay-friends bit is mostly about ourselves, not about the ex-partners.
I had a boyfriend who claimed he didn't understand why people couldn't remain friends, and he ALWAYS stayed friends with his exes ("just because you're not sleeping together, why should anything change?"). I eventually figured out that this was because none of these past relationships had actually been serious; he hadn't had the kind of emotional commitment that causes the agonizing break-ups that aren't friend-able. Needless to say, when we ended things after 2.5 years, we did not remain friends… (hah).
On the other hand, though the love of my life and I couldn't speak for 2 years after we broke up, we now are friends and I value him as one of the people in my life who knows me best. Not to say it's not a TAD weird, but it's worth it.
It's very true. My ex and I don't live in the same city anymore so I don't run across him or anything, which is a good thing I guess. We are in good terms, and I'm glad for that. I really value the relationship we had, and I'm glad we are not one of those people always throwing venom at their exes. I do think this came with the boundaries we have, we have let the other person free to be.
I just recently (circa 1 hour ago) ended up on the other side of this scenario. He broke up with me, wanted to remain friends, I said sure but left for a different bar to get some beer and space simultaneously, and magically he showed up there demanding closure and friendship. I had to put my foot down and say no. I needed the space very definitely.
So basically, I told him the title of this post and left, because it's hella true.
INTERNET HIGH FIVE, GIRL.
Totally agree with this! My ex broke up with me and was at first good enough to give me space but then he was texting and calling me and if I didn't reply he'd be all antsy! In the end he wanted to get back together but I didn't want that, I do want to be friends though. But for him to get over it like I did I'm giving him the space he needs 🙂 xx
Giving someone space is definitely important, but I do want to say it's not impossible nor is it always a selfish thing to stay friends with your exes. I've tended to do that at different times of my life and to varying degrees. There's definitely a right and a wrong way to go about it, and like Sarah says, it's really about the person who's been broken up with (the dumped) and how they feel. Most of the relationships I've been in spawned from friendships- whether or not this is the "right" way this is how it's been for me.
Most recently, I was the "dumped" but in a weird little twist, I had to give him space. So we didn't talk, for about 6 months, and I felt like my heart got ripped out. He was going through some heavy stuff and was in an "or flight" kind of place with everyone who loved him, and it was painful. Eventually he got back in touch with me, and at that point I wasn't sure I was ready to have any kind of relationship with him, but he was also cautious and gave me space.
The weird and happy ending to this is that we are back together, the relationship is stronger than it ever was before, and we are both incredibly happy. We learned to talk more openly and be more respectful of each other, and we learned that we didn't really want to be apart, ever. But NONE of that would have happened if we didn't respect each other's need for space and understand where we'd both hurt one another, so I think you're dead on about that.
When someone gets hurt, no matter how pure your intentions were in the first place, you need to let them have time to let the wound heal. Then you need to see where it takes you. Sometimes, you may still have that buddy to get a beer with now and again. Sometimes, you'll part ways and memories will be all you have. And at least in one case, sometimes it'll work out in weird ways you can't understand and you'll feel really lucky.
Just thought I'd share.
I like your story it’s encouraging. But, how long before a break up did you guys date? Was the trust established at that point? I mean you have got to be able to look back and say, yes because they were nice to me ,I will give them another chance.
I asked because my situation is different. We only dated for about 4 months. We were so happy the first couple months before things stopped working out and she became distant.
Though I attempted to ask her back , I have learned that I need to give her some space . My question is how long should I wait before I make make my case again because at this point am ready to be friends with her which she offered before she cut me off completely.
Can I just ask what happened once you tried to be friends? Did it work for awhile? Was it then 10,000x worse when you did have to stop talking? Just curious, in that just-curious-cuz-that's-what-happened-to-me kinda way. 🙂
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for this post. I think it has given me a little insight into what my recent ex-boyfriend has been going through. He dumped me without fully telling me why, and the closest thing he gave to an explanation was that he "wasn't 100% there for me". He also said that he wasn't sure what he wanted, but based on his actions, it is clear that it isn't me that he wants, not romantically at least and expressed that he didn't want to lose touch with me but it's tricky because of residual feelings. So far, we have not been in contact and I'm giving him as much space as he needs to figure out what it is that's going on. He said that he isn't sure what happened, whether that is true or not, I don't know – it could be that he's decided to put me down gently without telling me the real reason to avoid hurting my feelings. (That he was never in love with me, etc.) Basically, he's not opened up to me. I am hoping that he will somewhere down the line. I have a few questions for you, though, if you don't mind.
How long were you dating this guy before you realised he wasn't the right one for you? What made you realise he wasn't the one for you and what did you say to him to let him go?
Hope this doesn't revive any touchy memories.
X
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This post is exactly what I’m currently going through. I was dating a great guy for about 6/7 months and realized into a few months into the relationship that maybe we weren’t quite right for eachother. We started off as friends so I still really enjoyed spending time with him and talking to him, but I just couldn’t see us working as a couple. The thought of breaking things off with him made me almost nauseous at the thought of hurting him like that. But in the back of my mind I knew it was the right thing to do and in the long run would benefit us both. I finally ended it about a month ago and he hasn’t spoken to me since. The worst part was that I still saw him around school and we had mutual friends in our classes. It was painful having to see him everyday and having him ignore me. Since it is the holiday season I thought about sending him an email to wish him well and a happy holidays but I think you’re absolutely right. Me reaching out to him is more about me than it is about him. I just have to accept that he needs space and no matter how much it sucks to lose him, maybe that is what is for the best for us. Thanks for helping me feel less alone<3
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My only addendum is… if you bump into each other on the street don’t be an asshat and ignore them. Being rejected and parting ways is bad enough but making rude and making the person feel like a leper is just mean.
Say hi. Keep it short. And then back to giving each other space.
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keithhargrove12
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I and my husband had been very loving, caring and sharing a lot of common things for almost 28 years, and in (December 2017) i was hoping to go traveling with my husband. Whoever we met would comment how much we complement each other. He was a loving father and husband, but he changed without me seeing it. He admitted to one affair and I found out about a next one, and suddenly he came up with the idea of divorce. I became depressed to the point of suicide. I never saw this coming. I visited our marriage therapist several times, but it seemed everything was getting worse. I felt empty and hopeless about the future. We both recently retired and I thought I could spend the rest of my life in retirement with him. I tried everything possible to get back with him, and I cried 24 hours a day and didn’t know how to get back with him until i met with Lord Lugard of the Miracle temple who guaranteed me a 24 hours powerful love spell to bring my husband to return back to me again and Love me unconditionally.I was ready to try anything because I still loved him very much and didn’t want to loose him. Now here we are living happily again after Lord Lugard did his spell in just (24 hours) brought back my husband, and reunited my family back. Words are not enough to let you tell you how grateful i am for your spells. Thank you so much Lord for making me start this year as a happy and fulfilled woman. Here is his Email: miracletemple@live. com his Mobile Number:+1(760)973-9250
Save Your Relationship and Get Your Ex Boyfriend/Girlfriend Back!contact: [email protected] is certainly the best spell caster online and his result is 100% guarantee.
I had an ex who—after cheating, coming back, leaving again, 3.5 years of hell, etc—still thought it appropriate to pop back into my life every few months with a joke or a text or a pop in. I repeatedly told him to STAY away once we definitively ended things. He just refused to understand my right to move on. To make the point that I wanted him GONE I started writing him a200$/month check for a couple of months. It worked…then I missed a payment and…he started again. When I told him to stay away, he asked where his check was. I was livid.
So I sent him his check….with screen shots of all of the emails/texts he had sent me with me repeatedly telling him to STAY AWAY since he left me for another woman. Here’s the kicker: i sent it to his new GF’s house and wrote her a nice note asking her to pass his check along to him and to tell him to leave me alone.
Guess what? No more checks and no more contact from him. Apparently, all he needed was the inappropriateness of continued contact to be pointed out to him by the new GF.
Point being: you have aright and an obligation to heal. When people refuse to let you do that, you are permitted to go to extreme measures to protect your space and peace of mind.
This is my testimony about the good work of a man who helped name me…My is Clifford Mary, and I am based in CANADA. My life has returned!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three children. I felt that my life was about to end, and it was falling apart. Thanks to a sorcerer named Sacerdote I met online. On a faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was looking for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across the series of testimonials on this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought his ex lover; some stated that he restores his belly; some testified that he can cast a spell to stop the divorce and so on. There was a particular testimony, which I saw, it was a woman called grace, she testified about how Sacerdote brought back his ex lover in less than 72 hours and at the end of his testimony drop addresses email. After reading all this, I decided to give Sacerdote try. Contacted him by email and explained my problem with him. In only 3 days, my husband came back to me. We have solved our problems, and we are even happier than before. Is really Sacerdote a talented and gifted man and I will not stop posting him because he is a wonderful man … If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try the great Sacerdote day; it could be the answer to your problem. Here is his contact: [email protected]
Thank you great Sacerdote. Please contact him for the following:
(1) If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have nightmares.
(3) Do you want to be promoted in your office?
(4) Do you want women / men running behind you?
(5) If you want a child.
(6) [You want to be rich.
(7) Do you want to tie your husband / wife to be yours forever?
(8) If you need financial help.
(9) Herbal care
10) Help get people out of jail
(11) The spells Marriage
(12) The Miracle Spells
(13) Beauty spells
(14) CHARM PROPHECY
(15) Attraction Spells
(16) Evil eye spells
(17) Kissing Magic Cards
(18) Remove Spells of Illness
(19) SPELLS win the election
(20) Success in SPELLS exams
(21) Charm to get me to love you.
(22) Business spell.
Contact him today at:[email protected]
Read this post a while back, it helped me in my future. I’ve always walked on eggshells. The devaluation stage eventually happened. Eventually my senses and intuition would eventually kick in. I’ve joined many forums, surveys and research. I always wondered, how certain individuals keep ex’s as friends. Long story short, sometimes it has nothing to do with maturity. A lot of the times individuals lie and manipulate, only to repeat the same behaviors. So giving the choice of friendship is honest. Making the choice for someone is revenge. Just because certain individuals have old childhood wounds, doesn’t mean they can have everything. Individuals unable to see themselves as wrong or unhealthy, will always try and make you stay. You make a great analysis of a healthy way of letting go.
I couldn’t agree more with your statement. Ive met many individuals with the mentality of.
“I’ve found someone better, and I’d like to see where this goes. However, we can still be friends.”
The above indcludes, I statements. I think, instead of we. Add in childhood trauma, and you will get a very uncaring partner.
Then you have the individuals that refuse to take any responsibility. They are not in the wrong, they are the victim. Their partner was horrible, however they refused to see the changes. They rebound quickly, and the cycle continues. The whole, the to love them and leave them alone. This is great, however it only works if both partners communicate and understand each other’s love languages.
I and my husband had been very loving, caring and sharing a lot of common things for almost 28 years, and in (December 2017) i was hoping to go traveling with my husband. Whoever we met would comment how much we complement each other. He was a loving father and husband, but he changed without me seeing it. He admitted to one affair and I found out about a next one, and suddenly he came up with the idea of divorce. I became depressed to the point of suicide. I never saw this coming. I visited our marriage therapist several times, but it seemed everything was getting worse. I felt empty and hopeless about the future. We both recently retired and I thought I could spend the rest of my life in retirement with him. I tried everything possible to get back with him, and I cried 24 hours a day and didn’t know how to get back with him until i met with Lord Lugard of the Miracle temple who guaranteed me a 24 hours powerful love spell to bring my husband to return back to me again and Love me unconditionally.I was ready to try anything because I still loved him very much and didn’t want to loose him. Now here we are living happily again after dr unity did his spell in just (24 hours) brought back my husband, and reunited my family back. Words are not enough to let you tell you how grateful i am for your spells. Thank you so much Lord for making me start this year as a happy and fulfilled woman. Here is his Email: Unityspelltemple@gmail. com
It is a good thing to love your loved one. But once you show your truly and full love to them, then leave them alone. If that person love you, he/she will definitely come back to you.