If you, too, are a child of the 80s, you grew up well-versed in the antics of pro wrestlers. My childhood best friend (a boy named John who always wanted me to help him dig ‘holes to hell’ in the bottomless sandbox) was obsessed with pro-wrestling and preferred playing ‘Hulk Hogan and Miss Elizabeth’ to playing house. I didn’t particularly care to play either of those but, like every other kid from my generation, I knew alllll about spandex and fake fights.If you’ve never been to a professional wrestling event I’d imagine that once is enough (I mean, it was for me) but I totally, totally enjoyed it. Each wrestler has a character, a costume, and something of a backstory.
For your enjoyment, I’ve ranked my ‘favorites.’
6. Playboy Pete Huge
. Known for being cough
well-endowed, Pete enters the ring doing a dance to indicate pride in his anatomy.
5. 6% Body Fat Rob James
. One very fit guy with an Alabama Thunder mustache wearing zubaz and t-shirt that reads “Diabetes Ain’t Sexy.” He berates the crowd for their “doughy Midwesternness” though, ironically, he has a butt that could be described as “womanly
3. The Yeti. A dude wearing what looked to be an old, full body (!) gorilla suit with a pair of black speedos on top and a homemade mask. I become very concerned that he’s going to overheat and faint.
2. Yellow Dog. A man wearing a yellow vinyl mask (with droopy ears, obviously) and yellow vinyl pants with a tail. At one point he’s carrying around a chew toy in his mouth. A few times he leg humps opponents.
1. The Wild Cat
. A masked ‘crime fighting feline’ who carries a giant ball of yellow yarn and gets the crowd amped up by SCRATCHING AT THE AIR WHILE PEOPLE CHANT ‘MEOW MEOW MEOW.’ A.ma.zing.
Have you ever been to a pro wrestling event? What did you think?