This is one of many True Story interviews in which we talk to people who have experienced interesting/challenging/amazing things. This is the story of my friend Kaitlin and her miscarriages. It’s estimated that 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage.
Kaitlin and her husband
Tell us a bit about yourself.
I’m from Minnesota, currently living in San Francisco, but soon to be moving back to Minneapolis (yay!). I’m 34 and, although I have far too many degrees, my present job (in property management) is not really related to any of them.
Growing up, how did you feel about having kids?
I can’t say that I daydreamed about being a mother, but I’ve always been fairly confident that I wanted to have a child. I’ve thought about other ways to build a family — one of my younger sisters is adopted, so that option has always been something I’ve been willing to consider. However, I have a strong desire to experience carrying a baby, giving birth, breastfeeding, etc.
Can you tell us about the circumstances surrounding your miscarriages?
My husband and I started trying to conceive when I was 32. After about nine months, we were successful. We were thrilled and I was pretty nervous. My mother had four miscarriages and, growing up, she was quite open about her experience. So, for me, the possibility of miscarriage wasn’t just this thing that happened to “other women”– I knew quite well that it was common and could happen to me.
Nevertheless, we were optimistic after an initial dating ultrasound at 6.5 weeks. We saw a little heartbeat so, even though we knew it was really early, we told our parents about the pregnancy that night.
How did you know you were having a miscarriage? What did you do when you realized what was happening?
I think one of the big misconceptions about miscarriages is that they are these instantaneous events–everything is fine one minute, and the next minute the women is cramping and bleeding and she knows it’s all over. That does happen, but the process can be a lot more drawn out for many women.
With my first miscarriage, I had no idea that anything was wrong. When I was about 9.5 weeks pregnant, I went in for an ultrasound that was unrelated to the pregnancy. During the ultrasound, the tech let me peek at the baby on the screen and there was no fetal heartbeat. The baby had stopped developing at about 7.5 weeks, but my body had not yet recognized that fact. I hadn’t had any bleeding or cramping.
I was given three options: 1) I could wait a couple of weeks to see if I would miscarry on my own, 2) I could have a D&C (dilation and curettage — where a doctor goes in and manually removes the pregnancy), or 3) I could take medication to help my body expel the pregnancy. I opted to wait two weeks and then, when my body was still showing no signs of recognizing the miscarriage, I had a D&C.
I ended up getting pregnant again just a few months later. This time around, we went in for an ultrasound when I was 7.5 weeks pregnant and there was only an empty sac visible. After some follow-up blood work and another ultrasound, I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum (the sac develops, but the embryo itself does not). I had another D&C.
How did you cope – emotionally, physically – after the miscarriages? Were there any resources/books/websites that really helped?
I was absolutely devastated after my first miscarriage. When I became pregnant again rather quickly, I was hopeful that the new pregnancy might allow me to swiftly move past the loss. So, needless to say, having two miscarriages back-to-back took a huge emotional toll.
I was so ANGRY, but there was really no logical place to direct that anger. I started picking ridiculous fights with my husband and we argued a lot during that time. I eventually decided to join a therapist-led infertility support group and I’ve made some friends via an online support forum, both of which helped tremendously.
I’m also someone who is comforted by research and information gathering. To that end, I found one particularly helpful, comforting podcast “Creating a Family” which features expert guests discussing different issues related to fertility and family building.
Finally, my mother has been a huge source of support. I can’t exactly say I’m glad that my mom had miscarriages, but it does mean that she knows exactly what to say (and what not to say).
Have your miscarriages affected other aspects of your life?
The miscarriages (and infertility) were definitely hard on my marriage at times. I think it has really been a test of our ability to communicate and support each other.
It’s also sometimes been quite difficult to see some of my friends get pregnant and have children with (seemingly) no difficulty. I don’t want anyone to struggle, obviously, but it can feel very isolating to feel as though everyone around me is having a completely different experience with family building than I am.
Are you planning on starting a family?
I’m happy to say that, more than a year after my second miscarriage (and with the help of infertility treatment), I am pregnant again. I’m eight months along and, although I have my fears, I’ve had a number of ultrasounds and everything seems to be progressing well.
As far as preventing another miscarriage, trying to prevent another one depends upon what caused the first two. After two or three miscarriages in a row, doctors will typically run a bunch of tests to see if they can identify a reason for the losses. Beyond chromosomal abnormalities, possible reasons include blood clotting issues, autoimmune problems (like Lupus), and uterine issues (like fibroids or a septum), among others. Most of these issues can be treated if discovered and, if a couple goes through in vitro fertilization, testing can be done on the embryos before they are transferred to try and make sure that they are chromosomally normal.
Quite often, no issue can be identified. Research shows that most couples who have miscarriages do go on to have healthy pregnancies, however.
Unfortunately, we weren’t able to get genetic information about our prior pregnancies themselves, and all other testing has come back normal. Chances are they were due to chromosomal issues. With this pregnancy, I’ve been prescribed a couple of “can’t hurt, might help†measures: progesterone supplements in the first trimester and low-dose aspirin. There is some evidence that these things can improve outcomes and are unlikely to cause problems.
If someone we know has suffered a miscarriage, what can we do to be supportive? What are some of things we SHOULDN’T say or do?
Different women react to miscarriage differently. Some women don’t grieve as strongly as I did. That said, I’d recommend treading lightly. I think the best thing you can do is say that you are sorry for her loss and offer to be a listening ear. Unless you have had a miscarriage yourself (or you are a Reproductive Endocrinologist), I wouldn’t try to offer advice (the same goes for infertility, by the way). Chances are she knows more about the issues than you do.
When I tell people about my miscarriages, the first thing many of them tell me is how common miscarriage is. While true, this is not news to a woman who has gone through it and it can feel awfully dismissive to hear others remind us. The fact that it is common doesn’t make the loss feel any less real.
Likewise, hearing things like “It is nature’s way [of dealing with chromosomal issues]” didn’t help me, either. It doesn’t make it easier to hear again and again that I probably didn’t have healthy pregnancies. I’m grieving the fact that they WEREN’T healthy.
Finally, “You can try again” isn’t comforting. First of all, not all women get pregnant easily, so it might be many months or even years before she can get pregnant again. Secondly, even if the women can conceive again quickly, that doesn’t change the fact that she is grieving the lost pregnancy. And any subsequent pregnancy is likely to be filled with much more anxiety. Her “innocence” is gone and many women also grieve that fact.
What advice would you give to others who have had miscarriages and are struggling to get past them?
Mostly, I would say be kind to yourself. Not everyone will recognize that you are grieving a very real loss, but that doesn’t make your grief any less legitimate. Seek help where you can. Consider speaking with a therapist who is knowledgeable about the grief surrounding pregnancy loss (because not all of them are).Thank you so much for sharing your story, Kaitlin. Do you guys have any questions for her? Have any of you experienced something similar? How did you get through it?
I have had a miscarriage as well, and I completely connected with this story. I got angry too. I ended up getting pregnant only a month after my miscarriage, which left me grieving and scared as well as happy and excited. I ended up having bleeding during my pregnancy, which made me paralyzed with fear, but luckily my son was born happy and healthy. I am 31 weeks pregnant with my second, a daughter, and also had bleeding with this pregnancy. I have not had the "glowing and happy" pregnancies everyone talks about. I spend all of my time praying my babies keep growing, that we keep finding heartbeats. I have decided that after 2 babies, I cannot go through the strain and stress that pregnancy puts me through, and I will not be having any more children. Miscarriage is devastating to some, and I know for a fact I am one of those people.
I'm so sorry you went through that, Kate. Thanks for sharing your story <3
Thanks for talking about this, Sarah & Kaitlin. I had two miscarriages between my two sons and it was probably the hardest thing I've experienced. I hated how bitter and angry I got – it was so hard. And being pregnant after two miscarriages in a row, whooo boy, that was not a walk in the park, either! I've never been so nervous and full of anxiety.
However, because of women I knew off and online, I knew that miscarriages happened to others and that it was NOT something I had or hadn't done. Talking openly about my miscarriages on my blog was the one good thing I could get out of those dark days – maybe bringing comfort and awareness to others.
Rock on, Kaitlin, and congrats on the baby!
Thank you for sharing your story–it's an important one. I haven't been through miscarriage, but I have been though a considerable trauma, and I can relate to what you say about anger. So much. And misplaced (but well-meaning) comments. Anyway, congratulations on your pregnancy. All the best.
Miscarriage is so hard. I've had 3 in total and it never gets any easier. After my second miscarriage I got pregnant with my son, and those first 14 weeks I was in a constant state of anxiety. Mostly due to the fact that I had spotting my whole first trimester. At every single appt with my health care provider I was so uptight that they wouldn't be able to find a heartbeat. And now that we're trying for a second (and I've had another early miscarriage) I'm so gun shy that it's hard to think about being pregnant again and I almost want to give up.
It's like your life is heading a certain (very exciting) direction, and you're planning and dreaming about how it's going to be. And then very suddenly your life is back on the same path it was before. It always felt very devastating and defeating and unfair. Especially when you see friends & family have "oops" pregnancies with no problems.
Thanks for sharing. Currently experiencing infertility and dealing with it one day at a time. This was encouraging.
I also have had two miscarriages. Thank you so much for sharing Kaitlin. I think it's important that this subject be less taboo, since it is so common. It is difficult to grieve when you are made to feel alone, or that your feeling aren't as valid as someone else's grief.
Here is my blog post about my experience: http://magtravels.wordpress.com/2014/09/02/we-are-not-alone-personal/ – this post helped me get the courage to share my story. Thank you for that!
I am 26 years old and a type 1 diabetic. I am currently experiencing my 2nd miscarriage and feeling so many things yet also feeling nothing. My first miscarriage was very devastating for me and left me in a deep depression for two years. My husband and I found out we were pregnant for a second time hoping for our rainbow baby 3 weeks ago. I was certain I was 6 weeks and 3 days and started spotting. I had an ultrasound that showed an empty sac and my doctor said he thinks I was off on my calculation and was just earlier than I thought. I started cramping and bleeding the next day(yesterday) I am not shocked because I was having strange dreams and had anxiety from the beginning. I want to start trying again as soon as possible but feel like I also need to give myself time to grieve. I am so sorry for all of your losses but find comfort in your stories knowing I am not the only one who has experience multiple miscarriages. Thank you all for sharing.
Thanks for talking about this it gives me strength and hope. I had a miscarriage in september. It was the most devastating thing i had in my life. I cried every day and stayed at home for 1 month with my pyjamas and not wanting to do anything. Just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I have to tell you here that i am 38 years old and i have a boy who is 12 years old, a young man that i love more than my life. My husband and i didnt want to have children for so many years and when we decided it was time i got pregnant. After the miscarriage we tried again and i got pregnant in november. I was happy but i didnt want to show it because i felt fear and anxiety. Today was my appointment to hear the heartbeat. Unfortunately there was none and also the embryo is very small comparing to the sac. I am devastated i dont know how i will get through this and dont know if i have the strength to try again . I just want someone to tell me that everything will be ok and i will be able to give my son a sibling…. i am sorry for all the womens losses and i understand them. Again thanks for sharing.
this has helped i suffered 2 losses last march then october and im numb it has totally changed me as a person
Thank you for sharing your experience. Even though it might be wrong to feel that way, it is comforting to know I am not the only one going through these difficult times. I got pregnant for the first time in September last year after trying for 10 months that were quite frustrating (irregular periods, very long cycles, hair loss, spots like when I was 15 yo). For some reasons, I was worried the entire time feeling that I might not even be really pregnant (taking pregnancy test regularly to reassure myself in some way). I was actually right to feel like that because a week before the 12-week scan, I felt a strong pain and experienced bleeding. At the scan, we found out that there was only an empty sac (~5 weeks) and when I took the pregnancy test the first time, the baby was already gone. I was really stressed during this period and it was further increased by the fact I did not share it with my family and friends and after the miscarriage I started to believe that my stress might have caused it. Two months later I got pregnant again. We were very surprised and more excited about it than the first time. I told my sister right away. It didn’t last long as three days later I was bleeding again and my HCG levels dropped. It was few weeks ago and now we are more upset and depressed than sad. The most frustrating is that several friends have told us that they were pregnant (desired pregnancies or not). We want to be happy for them but at the same time we wonder why them and not us? And we can’t share our frustration with them as you don’t want to cause them anxiety during their pregnancies. We are still hopeful as we now know that I can get pregnant but we are also worried that actually these miscarriages are the sign that I can’t carry a pregnancy to term. Fingers crossed!