This is one of many True Story interviews in which we talk to people who have experienced interesting/challenging/amazing things. This is the story of “Maggie” who was a virgin till her 30s.
Tell us a bit about yourself!
Hello, my name is “Maggie” I’m from Ohio (lived here all of my life). I’m 39 and I live with my fiancé. I work in the human resources arena for a company that just about everyone knows. I read, love music and good food, and enjoy life as much as possible.
How did you feel about sex when you were younger?
I was the girl who read Everything You Were Afraid to Ask About Sex at the age of 9. I was definitely curious, as the book was titillating. However, my parents were very preachy about no sex before marriage and all that.
They were terrified of the shame of an unplanned pregnancy and all that. Growing up in my house, if you had to pass gas or burp, you went into the bathroom and did it. We certainly didn’t discuss sex. My mother would tell me it wasn’t that great and you just did it because the man wanted it.
How old were most of your friends when they started having sex?
I grew up in a very small town. It was a lot like the town in Footloose. There was NOTHING to do. I was in the AP classes, band geek, choir geek and my friends were from all over the social structure of high school.In general, we hadn’t even had long term boyfriends.
However, one of my closest friends did become pregnant when we were 16. If there were other girls having sex at that time, it wasn’t brought to my attention. I think we were just so naive at the time.None of my friends had watched a porn (nor had I). That didn’t happen until college. Maybe they put something in the water to calm all of our hormones? LOL I don’t think we discussed whether or not we were having sex because we already knew the answers.
Was retaining your virginity an active choice – or something that just kind of ‘happened’?
It was both. I was being abused at home and I know that I was very standoffish to most boys. I had crushes, I wanted to do things like kiss, but I had very low self-esteem and just couldn’t imagine being that intimate with another person.
Plus, I had been raised to believe that sex was for marriage. I don’t know that I fully bought that, but I thought it was something that I should not just do with anyone. I thought it was something I should save.
As time went on and I went beyond college and into my 30s, it became a liability. Like, great, how am I going to explain to some guy that this hasn’t happened? Or that I’ve never even really kissed someone? What if I’m bad at it? What if, because of the abuse, I just can’t do it? I was terrified that I was never going to be able to have sex.
When you started dating someone and things were moving in a sexual direction, did you tell them that you were a virgin?
The guy that I finally decided to give it up to was the first man I thought that I loved. Emphasis on thought. He was not a bad guy, just not the right guy. I didn’t tell him straight out – just that I wasn’t very experienced. We had met online and lived 10 hours apart, so it wasn’t the biggest concern at the moment.
Did the people in your life know you were a virgin?
My closest friends knew and they knew why. They knew that I had been abused and that it was very difficult for me to be vulnerable in any sense of the word. They were very caring and understanding.
When you lost your virginity was it something you actively decided to do?
The guy I mentioned before was coming to visit me and I knew that he planned on us having sex. And I didn’t plan on stopping him. I wanted it to happen.
He arrived and we made out. He wanted to go further and I stopped him, which he took nicely, but I could tell he was upset. Later on that night we finally had sex.
After you’d lost it, how did you feel?
First was the pain – good LORD, it was painful. I ended up just gritting my teeth and bearing it through back to back sessions. He didn’t understand how to get me excited or anything like that. He finally asked me, why does it seem to hurt you? I finally admitted that this was my first time.
He had performance issues, as well, so sex was just not that enjoyable with him. We dated for a bit longer, but it really was not that great of a relationship. Other than the pain, I thought, THIS is it? THAT was sex? Of course, now I know that my first time was a lot of errors on both of our parts. And I have definitely learned to ask for what I need.
After I lost my virginity, I can’t deny that I went a little crazy. I wanted to figure out what I was supposed to be feeling, and that involved a lot of testing out of various men. I do wish that I could take some of it back and I’m forever grateful that I came away from it okay.I love sex. I am pretty uninhibited for the most part. I love men and I love being with them in a sexual way. Sex to me can mean a lot (when you’re in love) or can just be a one night stand (as long as that is clear from the get-go).
What advice would you give to other late-blooming virgins?
You’re not in a race. You don’t have to be on anyone’s schedule but your own. Be vocal. Say what you like or don’t like. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Watch porn – I learned a lot from that. And there are two types of orgasms for women: vaginal and clitoral. Most women don’t have orgasms just from intercourse. Don’t feel bad about yourself if you don’t.
Did any of you wait till later than usual? Any questions for Maggie?
P.S. True Story: I had my first child at 40 and True Story: My marriage was arranged by the Unification Church
I really think there is no wrong age to have your first sexual experience at. Unless you are under the age of consent or a child (under the age of 16 is how I think of it).
Some people start later, some sooner. It is all about when the individual is ready to become that intimate with another person. You just have to be ready within yourself for being sexually active and not feel like you are doing something you are uncomfortable with.
I really wish the shaming and mocking of people who have not had sex would not happen. It makes people feel they have to lose their virginity as quickly as possible and possibly when they are not ready.
I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18, which I was ridiculed about for years.
And then I lost my virginity later that same year. My friends kept raising their eyebrows at me and wondering if I 'knew' I was moving 'too fast'.
Well, I've been with that guy two years now, and I've never been uncomfortable with my sexuality. So many people think that you have to live your life exactly like they did, and it's not true at all. Whatever's right for you is just right for you, not for everyone else.
Oh my goodness, upbringing can create so many insecurities. I remember my mom referring to sex as "a wifely duty." My husband and I dated for an entire year before I was able to "go all the way" with him – then when I happened, I realized what a wonderful, understanding man he was to wait so long.
I share such sentiments! I’ve always felt too guilty and made guys wait…
I wonder what made you change your mind about loving that guy? Obviously you've found a more suitable long-term partner for yourself, but does that negate the feelings you had for the other guy, regardless of how things ended with him? I'm always curious when people claim to have thought they were in love, past tense… it's like we're only allowed to admit to one major love in our entire lives. But what was it if not love?
There is no such thing as "two different types of orgasm". The stimulus that brings people to orgasm may be different (and can be from more than 2 areas of the body for both male and female), but the idea that there are different types of orgasm is outdated and wrong.
Maggie here – Thanks for all of the comments!
@ Joanna – I think it's that he was the first of 3 relationships where I realized that I was going to be playing mother more than equal partner. The man I am with now is very mature and is my partner in every sense of the word. We are a team. Upon reflection, I didn't have that with him or the next two.
@Anonymous – You're certainly entitled to your opinion. I have found that they feel very different and one is much easier to achieve.
Maggie again: JoAnna, I forgot too that I will say that I have had more than one great love. And I have found that it is possible to be in love with more than one man at a time.
There was a man I met before my fiance. When we met, it was as though we looked at each other saying, wow, I haven't seen you in years and I'm so happy to see you!
I loved him and I still do. But I love my fiance so much more – though we don't have that same connection.
There's no right or wrong age to decide to have sex, only the right time for you.
I waited until I was 29 to do the deed, and I did so with my boyfriend of almost four years. Waiting was a personal choice based what I knew about myself and I don't regret it for a second. And while many people gasp at the idea of a boyfriend who had been previously sexually active willing to wait four years to have sex again, it was just one of many reasons that reinforced that he was the right guy for me.
thank you so much for this! it makes me feel so much better about myself, because i'm 24 and i've never had sex (or even kissed a guy!).
i have a question for maggie (or anyone else that wants to answer): the thing that makes me hesitant to have sex is that i don't want to become one of those crazy, clingy girls afterwards….somehow everyone says that this happens after the first time. was that the same experience with you?
My dear believe me you are on the right path. Never kiss or have sex with a guy who isn't your husband. Sex is for marriage since the clinging, it's meant to let husband & wife become one and never be the same again. I hope it's not too late, I hope you save your kissing and sexing for your husband.
I love hearing stories like these! I'm 21, in college and haven't had sex. All of my sexual experiences with other people have been forced upon me without my consent (not sex, but being kissed and touched). Nowadays my focus is on defining and reclaiming my sexuality as my own, and keeping it within my control.
I believe virginity is a cultural myth, being "sexually active" is a scale of many different levels rather than an on-off switch.
If it okay for me to direct this to everybody, not just Maggie, I have a question for those men and women who had their first consensual sexual experience with a more experienced partner! How did they react when they heard about your relative inexperience? Were they scared, did they laugh, did they like it, did they take extra care?
Sex is for marriagePeriod
Maggie:
@ Anonymous – The first time does have the potential to create that – I mean it's your first time (hopefully consensually) and you can get wrapped up in what all of that means, plus everything you've seen in movies and read in books. It's supposed to be special and memorable – and it can make you clingy. My experience was that I wanted to keep trying it because I was sure it was going to get better and plus he was leaving in two days. I think for me I tried to make it more emotional than it was.
I think it really depends on how much you feel for that person. Plus, you're bound to feel an intimacy that you want to hold on to. That can make people take it to a level of being clingy.
@Claire – I think it's just about you both being open and honest. I like the man to take charge in bed, so having a man who didn't have much experience wouldn't appeal to me. But it might appeal to a woman who wants to be more dominant. If he laughs, then he's not the kind of person you want to be with, anyway. He should respect your choices and be proud that you are choosing him to be your first.
wow thank you,this post was heaven sent, is always good to know that you are not the only one in the same situation.
I´m 24 , never been kissed and obviously a virgin. I really had opportunities to kiss a boy or even had sex, but always something weird happens , is like an invisible force pull me apart, later I discover that the guy wasn't for me for different reasons, and I don't feel that bad. I think the issue with me is to have to deal with difficult relationships or being hurt
When I was younger I didn't feel ashamed on telling my situation to everyone, so a lot people know my story. Nowadays is big secret , i don't feel well talking about relationships with new people. This lead me to ask Maggie this question how to deal with the subject with new people? or a boy who wants a relationship with me?
sorry for my english I'm from a non english speaking country
You are lucky. keep your virginity till you marry. You 'll never regret.
To be virgin or not to be virgin does not make any difference. The person with whom you have sex should be right according to your perception.
The story is very interesting. However she did right thing. There has to a certain age for having sex and she did it almost right time but with wrong guy.
In fact, it depends on person to person. How and what the individual feel and think on certain issues.
The right time for having sex is marriage, the right guy is the husband.
Maggie:
@Ana – When it gets to that point, be honest. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
Think of it this way: If you're not comfortable telling a boy that you're a virgin, it may not be the right situation at all.
I was 21 when I lost my virginity, and I was the last of my friends to lose it. I had always held my virginity to be something precious, which I would give to a very special person. When I finally found the man I wanted to have sex with, we dated for three years before we finally made love. I felt incredibly loved and respected, and at no point did he ever pressure me. When it finally happened, I was 100% ready and it was an entirely wonderful experience. We are still together, and have been a couple for eight years now.
I was the first of my close friends to lose my virginity. I was 18 at the time and had been with my boyfriend for two years. We had said we would want to wait for marriage (mostly because we had been told to) but graduated from high school, had wanted to go all the way for a while, and were deeply in love when we decided to go ahead and have sex.
Looking back now, at 22, 18 sounds young to me, but I am glad things came about as they did. I'm still with that wonderful guy (man now) as I was at age 15 and we're getting married this year. He's my one and only with sex and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm glad I didn't wait seven years to be with him but I'm also very glad that we're each others only partners. Something about that makes it very special to me.
We still have a lot of friends who are virgins and the ones who aren't have all lost their virginity in very serious relationships (each at least two years long) and no one has put any pressure on us. None of us are strongly religious we are just extremely careful about who we share ourselves with. I'm glad I had that group although after graduating college I feel less judgy about people who didn't wait or who had sex with multiple partners. That seems a lot more common that I thought when I was naive back in high school. Even then we had people who knew us, but weren't close to us, asking if we'd had sex yet and not believing us even when we said we hadn't!
I think it's really up to the individual. I think that for me it was important to be slow about things and know he was a guy I loved enough that I could have spent my life with him. While it all worked out magically I don't think I would regret it at all if something ever happened.
I think it doesn't really matter if you lose your virginity at a later than normal age (better late than never!) and at least you didn't lose it when you were too young. No woman wishes she could have lost her virginity sooner. Most wish they should've saved it for later.
I don't know. I am in college, and still a virgin. I just really want to wait for marriage. I can't imagine all of the feelings and trauma and wondering if I had sex with my boyfriend, and then got married. I feel that since he loosened up for me, that he might loosen up at a later date with another woman. Why not save it for my husband? I mean, my boyfriend and I may never be married.
Let's say best case scenario, I have sex with my boyfriend, and we get married monogamous. As of right now, I am talking about getting married in 5 years, and being married for 55. Even on the basis of chance, why would I want to play for 5 years to risk 55 years of marriage? I can live with my eyes on delayed gratification for a few more years. Even a decade or so.
Sure, the choice is hard, but that is part of being a good wife: laying down my will for the good of the partnership of marriage.
I'm a 33 year old woman and I am a virgin. To me it means I've never met anyone I trusted enough to have sex with. I value trust and commitment and I don't want to start a family with someone I end up not wanting in my life. I think it's something that is only really appealing to me with someone I'm in a committed relationship with, and for me that means marriage. I used to date a guy who was smoking hot, my perfect ideal, I couldn't have been more attracted to him. When I told him I didn't want to sleep with him, he said he respected me for it, and confessed to feeling quite empty after a one night stand. He then said he just wanted to be friends. He really was only after one thing. I totally dodged a bullet there, as I could have ended up with a broken heart, failed all my exams and harpooned my future career. For some guy who wasn't even worth it. I know I'm worth more than being somebody's conquest, and I'd rather be inexperienced than to be disrespcted in the worst way by being used. Neither do I want to use anyone to gain experience, since I'm potenyially playing with somebody's emotions. To be honest it all seems so obvious to me that I think people should be explaining why they would want casual sex and not the other way around! 😛
Same here. But the reason for me is that I fear/ terrified of the pain during sex- as told from my experienced girl friends. Will I ever overcome it even I have a loving bf.
I am an attractive, normal, fun woman with healthy sexual desires. I was 33 when I lost my virginity. I didn't date seriously for most of my 20s. In my early 30s, the circumstances of my life began to shift and my reasons for remaining abstinent began to wane. Having sex and knowing what it would be like became such a pervasive thought until I finally decided to pick a person that I had previously dated to have sex with for the first time. I didn't tell him it was my first time. We didn't continue seeing each other. I felt so many things afterward – a mixture of relief, regret, disappointment, satisfaction and a very powerful awakening of pure lust. For me losing my virginity felt like a banner that I had finally put down, a weight that I hadn't realized I was carrying all this time until it wasn't there anymore. But I also felt saddened by the loss of an age of innocence within my self that had always been so precious to me. All in all, it wasn't the best time, way or person for me to lose my virginity, but it wasn't awful either.
However it's done, whatever the age and whatever the reason, it is a major milestone. It is a very big deal and shouldn't be done out of pressure, expectation, fear, loneliness, some sort of desperate self medication or as a defiant attempt to define an independent adult identity. There is NO REASON to feel ashamed about the choice to have sex, wait or not have sex. But if it's done, waiting for the best circumstances in which to do it has its own wonderful rewards. Timing IS everything.
This is really interesting to know as I’m contemplating similar and wondering if I’ll feel better or worse for it. Which do you feel more of? Thanks.
I’m 29, have no reason for staying abstinence. I’m a polytheist. Slim (5’7 135 lbs), dress well enough, not ugly, Masters degree, have a great job and have kind and loving friends. Been on two dates ever in my life and the last one was 7 years ago. Nobody has asked.
I have a cat now am adjusting to the prospect of lifelong celibacy. Not ideal but not as bad as if sounds.
Your comment…This is a wonderful post and I learnt a lot from it. Keep it up. UGOCHI
24 years old and have never even had my first kiss or held hands with a guy. I’m depressed as hell and I cry all the time! I’m very frustrated and there’s nothing I want more than to experience sex. I’d chose having sex one time over winning the lottery or world peace! I’m very upset because I read that if you’re this age and haven’t had your first kiss, it’s likely that you never will. I keep reading that nobody wants a virgin. How will I ever not be a virgin if I keep getting rejected for being one? I’ve tried to consult the help of a sex surrogate, but the problem is that there’s no male surrogate near where I live. I absolutely hate birthdays because it means one year older, still a virgin, still never been kissed. Since I’ve entered my twenties, my birthdays have become increasingly painful. I have family force me to go out to eat when I don’t feel good is all I really want to do is lie down, hide under the covers, cry, sleep, and forgot the world. My last two birthdays, I couldn’t take things and at the restaurant, I ran to the restroom where I broke down crying! I’m not looking forward to turning 25 in November…. I’m very worried that I’ll never lose my virginity. HELP!
Hahaha take a chill pill and drink it, don’t stress yourself over things like this. Im also a virgin and im turning 25 in July, someone out there is waiting to break your virginity and he is sent by God (the love of your life)… Those who broke their virginity at an early age,, today they wish that they were you. Don’t worry even if you turn 27 it’s your choice wise woman.
I am 28 and also virgin, had on-off relationship with my very first girlfriend (she is martial artist) and suddenly she just break up with me via facebook (she made kid with someone else). After that been single super many years. So ending up a beautiful virgin with athletic body is kind of weird indeed. Especially when they publicly tell lies about my sexuality (they dont know my past relationship, since its my personal secret). Basicly women are really passive towards men and If they give you promise to love you they cheat you by going bed with someone else. So this is the story of my life. Greedings from virgin Ken. Really what you need is someone who is into you without any extra requirements + person must not change who you are. If you are running after someone and they show no interest you are just wasting your time. Seek same valued people and ignore hunting money bitches and women who get easily bed with everyone. When you are kid relationships are easier but when you grow up boy and girl kind of get separated. Women are passive always so you need to start and grab her hand! (My style). But yes some girls also may ask if they can kiss you if you smile (they must already know your smart). Generally you just haven’t met right person or someone jealous tells public lies about you (which ruins your relationship future for that area of residency). BEATIFUL MEN ARE ALSO VIRGIN AT 28 SO IT’S JUST THAT YOU HAVE MET WRONG WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE WHO ARE NOT FAITHFUL TOWARDS YOU. God says everyone has other half (soul mate) waiting somewhere of the world so there must be everyone for everybody who is virgin. Remember religion circles highly value virginity and catholic churches you may find other virgin women at that age 30 because of their religion dedication to stay virgin until marriage.
I just turned 30 this year ? kinda crazy. Never thought I’d be the attractive 30 year old female virgin. I have two college degrees. I am fit,long dark haired, African American woman.Guys hit on me everywhere I go. It was my choice to remain pure until marriage. I never liked the idea of “making love” to a stranger. That is definitely for Married folks. It’s a reason God instructed us to wait. With sex,comes emotions,attatchments and all kinds of crazy. Just wait . God has someone special for everyone. Be a virgin may be hard but it’s worth it. Ton of celebrities waited later in life. P.S hot celebs make it look cool(Tim Tebow,Lolo Jones..etc. Forget what society thinks. You are responsible for your own happiness;)
33 and just had sex for the first time yesterday. I do wish I would’ve done it sooner. I also had a sex disorder because of bad experiences and being told sex is only for marriage. I went through months of physical therapy and mental therapy to be able to do this. The guy I did it with and I aren’t even together. He’s awesome cos he was kind and understanding of my situation. I also got clingy without having had sex. I hate the idea of virginity as awesome and sacred or anything. We make this too much of a big deal. And I’m so glad I can finally move on with my life.
I just came across this post and thread and it’s exactly what I’m looking for. I’ve just turned 34 and have remained a virgin, because that’s how I was brought up- culture and religion. I’ve always been a good girl and Catholic, though it’s not strictly because of that. (Also on that note been “bad” in other ways, like sexting). I’ve been in relationships and done other things (mainly receiving as I don’t feel comfortable giving blow jobs) but not penetrative sex. Now I’m realising that the last two guys i was with, who seemed so good and patient, actually lost interest/sexual attraction because of that… till we were just like friends. I’ve been in a relationship for a year without much sexual stuff and we’ve just decided to be just friends… But now I’m seriously thinking about losing my virginity to him just because I know he cares about me and understands how important this has been… and I guess I feel he “deserves” it (my virginity, for my mind not his sake) more than some new guy whom I might do it with sooner. I wonder if I should do it for the sake of breaking the ice (or hymen) and this will make me more comfortable and better in other relationships. But at the same time I’m not sure we will feel the chemistry (i want him to turn me on) or if we do if it will be harder to be friends and move on. I just don’t think I should wait till marriage or for another year and lose the next guy too. Any thoughts?